5 Relationship Stages for Couples Pursuing Purpose

Wondering what the relationship stages are and where you are in your relationship? These five relationship stages are important for every couple to know whether your monogamous or non-monogamous.

A partner in life is a partner in pursing purpose

The reason one would enter into a relationship is that the two of you can create something more than either of you could accomplish on your own. From a biological standpoint, that something is a child. From a romantic standpoint, that something may be a lifetime of fulfillment.

The longer you plan on entering into a relationship with this other person and the more invested you wish to be, the higher the importance should be paid to having both of your purposes aligned. Purpose is a direction of action that is meaningful to you and consequential to society. What is meaningful to you will be based on your values, your personality, and your path for self development. What is consequential to society will be solutions to problems and needs of the collective. Pursuing purpose requires your full commitment to these two pieces, including use of your resources. So if you plan on spending your life with another person, you should share nearly identical pursuits in purpose, otherwise you will battle each other on direction in life and allocation of resources. I know this scenario firsthand. Although my ex-wife and I loved and cared for each other, our directions in life were not fully aligned; as a result, we grew farther apart which ultimately led to divorce.

Stages of a relationship

Whether practicing monogamy or non-monogamy, let’s observe each stage of a relationship. In doing so, we can discern whether someone is right to move to the next stage through the lens of purpose alignment as each stage requires investing more time, energy, and resources into this person. 

As we discuss these observations, realize that very few people are consciously thinking in this way. Some may be subconsciously thinking about how well this partner is going to fit into their future, but most people are caught up in the neurochemical cocktails of love and just moving on to the next stages. However, if you want the relationship to last, it’s important to bring purpose alignment into your awareness so you can have at least some rationality to your emotionally charged relationship decisions.

Note: This diagram and following descriptions are not meant to be completely representative of how relationships play out, but rather to give a rough idea about investment. You’ll notice that non-monogamous relationships are represented as starting more sexually than the monogamous counterparts. In my experience, non-monogamous people tend to be more sexually open, but this is not always the case. Additionally, many non-monogamous people tend to circumvent the marriage standard. Likewise, monogamous relationships may start with casual sex and build from there, but it’s more typical to see the friend to lover arc. Generalizations are not perfect. They serve to give a rough idea.

Stage 1: Need Fulfillment

Our most basic level of relationship with another person is that of an acquaintance. You both enter into a relationship in order to fulfill a basic human need. This could range from financial transactions like purchasing food, saying hello to a stranger to gain human connection, or having a one night stand to have sex. The relationship is serving its most fundamental purpose - fulfilling a basic need that requires two people to achieve. At this stage, purpose alignment is minimal and the only resources shared are those needed to fulfill the basic need.

Monogamy: At this stage, those that practice monogamy will see this person as an acquaintance. If there's attraction, they may consider getting to know this person more, becoming friends or moving to dating. 

Non-monogamy: If the person practices non-monogamy, they more likely have other people at various stages. They most certainly can just keep people as acquaintances, however if there is attraction, they are more likely to engage sexually with this person at an earlier stage because they have the freedom to do so.

In both cases, attraction triggers a move to the next stage. That attraction is a combination of biological & psychological matches, or “sexual chemistry”. There may also be an identifying match in values, signaling that purpose may be aligned.

Stage 2: Mutual Benefit

We begin spending more time with another person beyond a one off encounter when we realize that doing so will bring us more benefit. We see that this person can be a consistent source of need fulfillment. As we spend more time with this person, we learn more about them and their direction in life. If it matches ours in some way, we’re more likely to continue engaging with this person. We see that they will help develop us to fulfill our purpose. So alignment of purpose is beginning to occur.

Monogamy: During the friends and dating process, the two people will see how much attraction exists and whether the goals for the future match with one another. If they do, it’s more likely this relationship will move to a commitment of exclusivity to each other, denoting they will share resources with each other.

Non-monogamy: At this stage, the non-monogamists are spending more time together, both sexually and platonically, which will divert resources away from other relationships. If the direction in life is shared between the two individuals, they may wish to start diverting more resources to each other and making a larger commitment.

In both cases, an identification of deep attraction, values and life direction trigger the moving to the next stage which tests whether or not this relationship is worth a larger commitment of resources.

Stage 3: Romantic Trial Period

Through extended time spent with the other person, we’ve received signals to how aligned the other person is with our purpose and if the relationship will help us achieve our purpose. During the romance stage, we are testing whether we can in fact work together to achieve small outcomes we both want in life. Oftentimes we are going on trips, mixing social circles, meeting families, doing small projects together, and possibly even living together. At this stage we begin to see if purpose is truly aligned because resources will either be flowing towards an aligned purpose in life, or it will feel like the two people want to go in seemingly opposite directions.

Both the monogamist and the non-monogamist are considering this other person as more than just friends and building a deeper relationship with them akin to the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” label. If the tests and life tasks being worked on by both people are going well, it will trigger a move to the next stage, where a sign of commitment is made to this other person.

Stage 4: Resource Trial Period

If purpose is aligned and the two people are working well together to achieve shared goals in the relationship, then it makes sense for them to signal to each other that they would like to continue the pursuit of purpose with each other and combine resources in order to do so. Oftentimes this means living together, an increase in time and energy, and combining finances. You are partners, working together, to build something greater than the two of you. 

Monogamy: The commitment made by the monogamist is that of a marriage proposal, turning them into fiances, and proposing that life should be spent together, pursuing the same purpose.

Non-monogamist: The commitment made by the non-monogamist may be engagement, or it could just be treating the other person more as a partner, further diverting large amounts of time, energy, and resources into that relationship.

The engagement period is essentially a second trial period with a stated commitment larger than the first trial period, but still has the socially acceptable escape clause to drop the relationship. Should things continue to go well after combining resources, it will trigger the final stage, where commitment is fully undertaken.

Stage 5: Life Partners

At this stage, purpose is so closely aligned it’s as if the two people are essentially one because they are acting as a unit, diverting all resources towards a shared course of action. However, small differences and polarity must be kept in order to keep the relationship effective and thriving. Nature exists with duality. A complete unification would result in collapse and end the relationship.

Monogamy: Commitment is finalized with marriage. 

Non-monogamy: Commitment may be finalized with a marriage, a spiritual union ceremony, or a mutual acknowledgement that this person will be here for the remainder of their life.

Commitment is a lofty ideal

In a perfect world, our purpose would remain the same for our entire life AND we would have thoroughly vetted that our partner is the best candidate to pursue this purpose with. Reality is, our purpose, and therefore our direction in life, may change. We may also have done a poor job at discovering each other’s purpose, values, and what we care about in life. As a result, divorce and changing partners are the norm. There should not be shame in that. It’s a sign of development.

You’ll see I did not prescribe what these two people’s purpose may be. For some, starting a family is their purpose. For others it may be building a business or serving their community. For the ambitious, it may be taking on a global challenge. What matters is that the more committed you want a relationship to be, for instance aiming to be married one day, the more it would behoove you to understand yourself and your own purpose and find a partner that is completely aligned with that.

Your odds of that relationship reaching the lofty ideal are far greater.