What You Should Know About Consent in BDSM

Learn about consent in BDSM and the various models of consent including implied, express, and informed consent, plus the undervalued Wheel of Consent model.

Why is consent important in BDSM?

There is a fine line between abuse and enjoyable, pleasurable, kinky play and that line is consent.

In mainstream society, hitting someone, degrading them, sexually using them, are all seen as bad, wrong, and should not be done. They are abusive. Holding power over someone is seen as manipulative and toxic. Rightfully so, as the person who is on the receiving end of those actions has not given consent for those actions to happen to them. 

However, for a kinkster, those can all be indulged, because all participants have given consent for them to happen. 

What consent means

Consent within BDSM is when a participant makes an agreement for certain acts to occur or types of relationships.

While some may say that consent is a simple "enthusiastic yes”, I believe it’s far more nuanced and the ways in which consent can be acquired are far more varied depending on the situation. 

Most recognized by anyone, vanilla or kinky, are three types of consent: implied consent, informed consent, and express consent.

None of these models are wrong and all of them together can build a framework of meaningful consent.

Models of consent:

Implied Consent

Implied consent is when you make an assumption, based on body language, physical actions, and inferring of words, that the other person is open to what you’d like to do. No one explicitly or expressly has said yes to anything.

A large majority of the vanilla dating world runs on implied consent, and it’s the basis of seduction.

Here’s an example:

• You match on a dating app, talk, and decide you should grab a coffee or drinks to “see if there is chemistry.” Being that both of you are on a dating app, you both assume that the other person is open to some type of relationship, possibly a sexual one.
• You show up for the date, and give each other a hug. Being that they were into you enough to agree to a date, you assume that a friendly hug is no biggie. You go for the hug and they happily embrace you back.
• During the date, you’re flirting with each other, expressing your attraction to each other, laughing, smiling, looking into each other’s eyes, maybe even bumped legs a few times. You assume that things are going well, so you reach to hold their hand or rest your hand on their thigh. They return your touch, placing their hand with yours.
• A moment of silence occurs, your eyes lock, and you feel a warm tension between you two, and can feel your bodies pulling towards each other. You assume that you both want to kiss and you lean into their lips, for which you feel them lean into you and begin making out with you.
• You’ve had an amazing date and ask them back to your apartment. The agreement to go to your apartment wouldn’t necessarily imply they were up for some sexy fun times (even though they might be), but would at least imply they wanted to get to know you more. They are assuming that “no means no” will be observed.
• You get back to the apartment, you chat a little, and begin heavily making out. You assume that they are now open to more, so you begin heavily touching and petting them. They don’t move away from your hands and return by touching you back.
• You then assume it’s ok to start removing clothing, and they happily help you, and start ripping back at yours.
• You’re both now naked, heavily touching each other, making out, and you assume that sex is fair game.

As you can see, a lot of assumptions are made along the way. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean it's a bad model. 

You make assumptions all the time about how to act with other people. When you get in your car, you assume that everyone else on the road is going to stay in their lane, stop at stop signs, and follow all the other rules, standards, and norms for driving that we’ve agreed upon as a society. It’s when they don’t follow the rules or standards of society, either by ignorance, disregard or ill intention, that accidents happen.

It’s the same here. If both parties are implicitly saying yes the entire time, want to be doing the actions, and willingly going along with each step, then the model works swimmingly.

However, the implied consent model also breaks down when one of the people does not follow the rules, standards, and norms underlying the assumptions. 

Those primary assumptions being:

• If I start doing something, and you’re enjoying it, don’t show signs of disapproval, don’t say stop or no, I can continue. 
• If you start doing something, and I don’t want you to do it, I can say stop and everything stops, or I can say no and you won’t pressure, coerce, or force me.

Using only implied consent in practice is difficult to do and can be problematic, even in purely regular dating.

Downsides of using implied consent:

• Building social skills to the level that you’re adept at accurately reading people can be difficult to do and requires considerable time dating many people.
• The “norms” of society change over time, and even between different cultures, where something as simple as a hug could be seen as a social faux pa. 
• The uncertainty of never really being sure if the other person wants what you’re doing can cause anxiety.
• “No means no” assumes you feel safe enough to say no and that you are capable of saying no.
• If someone has ill intentions, it can leave wiggle room for manipulation, which you have to guard against.
• You’re at greater risk of crossing a boundary you didn’t even know existed.

Given the activities involved in BDSM, the implied consent model just falls too short. So other models are needed. Let’s now move from one extreme, where consent is not talked about at all, to the other end, where everything is talked about.

Express Consent

Express consent is a clear and explicit communication, either verbal or written, that the other person gives you about what they will and will not do. The purest expression is a genuine and enthusiastic “YES!”

The express consent model operates on “yes means yes”, where everything must be requested and consented to.

Here’s an example:

• Person A: “I’d really love to use wax on you. Would you be interested in something like that?” 
• Person B: “Maybe, I’m not sure. Where would you like to use it on me?”
• Person A: “How about I start with your arms and legs, and if you like the sensation and are comfortable with it, we can move to your chest.
• Person B: “That works well for me and I’ll let you know when I’m ready for more. Yes, I’d love to!”

Person A asked to do something to Person B, and in the process Person B expressed a few clarifications before giving an explicit yes to having the action done. Both parties know what’s going to happen and both parties know the other person wants what’s going to happen.

Great, right?! Sort of.

Yes, we’ve dropped the risk of crossing a boundary way down and we don’t have to be able to read them as much or make as many assumptions. 

However, it also has its share of problems, mainly that it can lack what makes seduction so thrilling. Having too much certainty can kill creativity, suspense, tension, intrigue and power differentials. 

If everything is not discussed entirely beforehand, there may be a barrage of escalating questions: “May I hug you? May I touch you? May I kiss you? May I take your clothes off? May I tie your hands behind your back? May I penetrate you?”

For someone who wants to be ravished, this may come off as unconfident, not as sexy, and maybe slightly annoying if you’re asking for explicit consent the entire time. Furthermore, it hinders your ability to be flexible and creative when the vibe of the moment calls for something you haven’t gained explicit consent for yet.

If power dynamics like Dominance and submission are part of your play, it can be counter intuitive to dynamic, where the Dom must repeatedly be asking permission first of the submissive, pulling you both out of those headspaces.

Additionally, if someone has never tried something before, it’s hard for them to say yes to something,

So an enthusiastic yes for everything, is not foolproof either.  Which is why BDSM enthusiasts and kinksters prefer using one of the models of informed consent.

Informed Consent

Informed consent means that you know what is about to happen to you with a varying degree of understanding about how it's done and risks associated with it, and can say you’d like to participate in that activity.

Informed consent operates by having a discussion (often called a negotiation) before engaging in play, but the level and depth of that discussion defining all aspects of play can vary widely, falling somewhere on the spectrum of implied consent to express consent.

Here’s some popular BDSM models of consent:

• Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC): everything is based on safe activities, that all participants are of sufficiently sound mind in their conduct, and that all participants do consent. 
• Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): this model emphasizes the personal responsibility of each participant for their own well being. It puts more emphasis on being your own advocate for what your boundaries are and what may be risks you’re willing to take and not. 
• Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK): Just like RACK, this model emphasizes personal responsibility for their kink. If they are stepping into play, it’s their own responsibility to be aware and informed of the activities and risks associated with them. This does not mean that you’re free from disclosing potential risks if the other person doesn’t know them, but it does mean that the other participant is equally responsible for asking and learning about what the risks might be before playing.
• FRIES stands for freely given (not coerced), rescindable (consent can be withdrawn), informed (you understand what's about to happen), enthusiastic (no reservation to what’s about to happen) and specific (consent is given given ONLY for this time, this place, this activity, this location, these people).

I’ve seen new models pop up from time to time, so don’t expect this to be an exhaustive list. 

While all the models stress consent, you’ll see that in the SSC model, there are still assumptions about what’s considered safe or sane activities and what each person’s tolerance for risk might be. As we move towards FRIES, the level of informing and specification increases, with a need to gain express consent for all activities to take place.

The missing factor in consent: Whom is benefitting

So far, we’ve observed consent as merely permission: one person giving another permission to do an action. 

Consent is not merely permission, it’s an agreement that constitutes who is doing, who it’s being done to, what’s being done, and for whose benefit.

For whom the action is taken for is a piece that is highly underrepresented in consent models but is important for the psychological and emotional health of those participating, making the play fulfilling for both parties.

A model that emphasizes this is the Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin.

The Wheel of Consent differentiates who is doing the action and who the action is being done to, just like in BDSM which differentiates a top (doing the action) from a bottom (having the action done to). However, it also differentiates who is giving and receiving, or rather, who the action is meant for, as if that action was a freely given gift for that person’s benefit. 

The model creates four distinct types of action:

• Giving: You’re performing an action for the benefit of the other person (ex. massaging)
• Receiving: You’re having an action done to you for your benefit (ex. being massaged)
• Taking: You’re performing an action for the benefit of yourself (ex. ravishing)
• Allowing: You’re having an action done to you for the benefit of the other person (being ravished) 

It’s important to note that you can experience pleasure in all four quadrants, so pleasure is not the difference between them. Same goes for the activity or type of touch, because from the outside, giving a massage and ravishing another person's body may look similar, but the person for whom that action is intended for will be different.

Why does consent matter in this? Consent is what makes the activity pleasurable.

Let’s observe the four quadrants through the lens of consent:

• Giving: You’re performing an action for the benefit of the other personsome text
  • With consent = You’re happily of service and feel joy for being able to give to your partner. Seeing them in pleasure lights you up.  
  • Without consent = You’re either forced to give or you’re giving beyond your means, sacrificing your own needs and pleasure like a martyr, which causes you to feel resentful of your partner.
• Receiving: You’re having an action done to you for your benefitsome text
  • With consent = You relish in the experience of someone doing something for you and feel gratitude to receive such a gift.
  • Without consent = You’re either being given something you don’t actually want and receiving out of obligation, which feels annoying, or you’re expecting your partner to give and serve you, whether they want to or not, making you entitled.
• Taking: You’re performing an action for the benefit of yourselfsome text
  • With consent = You’re indulging your desires and being in integrity by actually expressing your needs. You experience the thrill of being entirely selfish in your pleasure.
  • Without consent = You take what you want with disregard to the other person, using them. This is what leads to rape and assault. 
• Allowing: You’re having an action done to you for the benefit of the other personsome text
  • With consent = You willingly give yourself over to the other person for them to do what they want within your boundaries. You get to experience the bliss of surrender.
  • Without consent = You become a doormat and people pleaser, letting people do whatever they want to you, without regard for your needs or boundaries. 

Many of the previous consent models combat against taking without consent, but they do very little to help a Dom from becoming a coin operated kink dispenser and giving without their consent, a sub from becoming a people pleaser allowing things to happen to them they don’t actually want but say they do in order to please their Dom, or from anybody doing an action out of a feeling of obligation. To be clear, a Dom or sub, or any kinky person, can be in any quadrant, and actually needs to be at times in order to have a completely fulfilling erotic life.

So how do we better make who the experience is for more explicit? By asking your questions differently. 

The previous consent models all asked “May I do x to you?” The implied assumption underlying this question is the person asking the question is the one receiving the benefit, otherwise why would they ask to do it? Maybe because they want to give you something! 

So instead, you need to differentiate your intention:

• To ask consent to take (your benefit): “May I do x to you?” 
• To ask consent to give (their benefit): “May I do x for you?”

Also the person having actions done to them can also make sure that the actions are being done out of genuine desire or willingness from the person doing them by asking:

• What would you like to do to me? (for their benefit)
• What would you be willing to do for me? (for your benefit)

Now do you have to clearly and explicitly state who an action is for? No, but it does help make sure that needs are being communicated and met. Too often the couples get confused about who the pleasure is actually for and both can be left unfulfilled. The classic example is the husband massaging a wife in order to get her aroused for sex. Is he massaging her for her benefit or his? He thinks he’s giving, but that’s not how she is receiving it. Instead she allows him to touch her body, but because he thinks it’s for her, he’s not actually taking pleasure from it because it’s not the type of touch he wants. Instead, if the couple were intentional about who an action was really for, they may both experience fulfillment. 

What model should I use?

That really depends on you and your partners' comfortability and limits. 

When you're first starting out it’s difficult to know everything you may need to be aware of, and you might not know your partner well enough to be assuming correctly, so it's safer to start explicitly and move towards one of the BDSM models with experience. 

I’d also say that the higher the risk level for physical, emotional, or psychological harm that may occur from a certain action, the more it should be discussed beforehand. But of course, everyone has different risk tolerance, so that’s why it's important to talk with your partner about their comfort level.

Why the Dom has more responsibility in consent

If you’re a Dom reading this, it’s important to note your responsibilities with consent as there are a couple elements that will affect your submissive’s ability to give consent. 

First is the power dynamic itself. From the submissive’s point of view, they may say yes to something that they are not entirely comfortable doing in order to please you or avoid disappointing you. From the Dom’s point of view, there could be something you really want to do and you might inadvertently pressure your submissive, not out of malice, but purely out of trying to do something you really enjoy. So when possible, it's best to set aside the power dynamic during discussions and actively encourage your submissive to speak up for their needs, limits, and boundaries, and reassure them that you won’t be disappointed if they do not want to do something. 

Second is during play, the submissive may enter the altered state of consciousness known as subspace. Just like any other altered state of consciousness, subspace can affect their judgment. While in subspace, they may agree or ask for things that are out of their “sober” comfort zone. Setting boundaries and limits before play can help to mitigate this, in addition to learning your partner well over time and multiple play sessions.

With that in mind, don’t forget that consent goes both ways! As a Dom, you can sometimes feel pressured to perform an action on your submissive partner because you want to make them happy, but you may not be comfortable doing so either from lack of skill, lack of desire, or it's a limit for you. Yes, Dom’s can fall prey to being people pleasers, too, and become kink dispensers.

No matter who you are, you never have to do anything you don’t want or feel comfortable doing.