Attending Your First BDSM Munch? Here’s What to Expect

Want to start getting into the kink scene and community? Try a munch, a social gathering for kinky people. In this article, learn what happens at munches, what to talk about, how to act, and where to find them.

What is a munch?

A munch is social gathering up kinky people to meet and make friends with others that are into alternative lifestyles such as BDSM, polyamory, or swinging. Munches are typically held at a social venue like a bar, brewery, or restaurant. Have you ever attended a meetup for a hobby club or a business networking event? It’s sort of like that, except when you go to a munch, you know all the other people there have a genuine interest in kink and it’s not as awkward to be discussing being tied up and hit with a paddle in between your discussions about the awesome board game you found the other day.

Depending on the group that hosts the munch, they may be more general, welcoming anyone interested in kink, or they may be more niche, attracting people who are interested in a specific kink, such as those interested in primal play for example. Some munches also make restrictions to create special gatherings for particular types of kinksters, such as groups having an age restriction or for submissives only. 

Munches can vary a lot in size, and even within the same munch the amount of attendees can vary substantially each time the same munch is held. Some munches you can expect less than 10 people, other munches could be more than 50.

What do you do at a munch?

At the most basic level: you meet other people, talk to them, and make friends who just happen to be kinky. Just like any other social gathering.

Every munch is run a little differently depending on the group or organizers hosting the event. 

Here’s a few different ways you might expect a munch to be hosted:

• Purely social: you show up and mingle with anyone there on your own with no guidance
• Discussion: some munches may have a discussion on a topic (usually kink focused) you can participate in either as whole group or in smaller groups
• Games: either using ice breaker activities or even board games, you’re given some sort of task while you’re meeting other people
• Jams: most seen in the rope community, these gatherings allow people to practice rope while socializing with others. Typically these are held in a more private setting.

I started and host a munch in Austin called Young and Kinky (YAK) for 18-39 year old kinksters. We typically sit in a big circle where everyone can share stories and discussions. To help those who may be shy at sharing at first, we often play the question game where one person in the circle asks a question and everyone else in the circle answers before moving on to the next person to ask a question. 

With such variety, if you attend a munch and don’t find it fits well with you, don’t be discouraged. There are usually other munches that you can try that may be more your vibe.

What do I talk about?

Whatever you’d like. Just because it’s a group of kinky people, doesn’t mean all the discussions are about sex. You can talk about the concert you just went to, how your cat is doing, the hiking trails in your area, your love for DnD, really whatever floats your boat. 

What’s unique about a munch is if you’d like to talk about sex and kink, you can! Nobody here is going to judge you for bringing up the topic (because they all secretly want to talk about it, too!) The magic of a munch is that you have a safe space to express some of the kinky things you like and you're likely to find others that say, “Hey! I like that, too!”. You don’t feel weird because everyone there is just as kinky as you are.

If you’re open to having conversations with others about your kinks, you can learn a lot from them. You can ask questions to veterans, get ideas for things to try, and even learn about kinks you didn’t know existed. People are generally very friendly and forthcoming, especially to those beginning to learn, because we were all there once, too. 

If you’re a person who is more shy and reserved, consider attending one of the more structured munches where you can participate in a discussion or game to help ease you into talking about these topics. 

Why would I attend a munch?

There are many benefits to attending a munch, particularly if you’re new to the community or new to the lifestyle in general.

Benefits:

• Getting comfortable with your desires: Munches allow you to see and hear other people from all walks of life say they are kinky which can give you the courage to own some of your desires and share them. For some, a munch may be the first time they have ever told someone about a kink they have which can be liberating and validating. 
• Seeing mental models for structuring dynamics: Whether you’re interested in Dominance and submission, or curious how polyamory or non-monogamy might work, you’re likely to find many people with all different kinds of relationship structures at a munch for whom you can ask a few questions.
• Vetting for play parties: Some of the groups who host munches also host play parties where people can come together to indulge in their kinky desires with one another. Oftentimes the group will use munches as a way to meet and vet people who would like to attend the play party.
• Vetting potential play partners: Have someone you’ve been chatting with online? Munches are a great place to meet up in a safe space with people and vet them for play in the future. 
• Making kinky friends: You’re bound to make a few friends when you attend some munches. These people can be great to go to other events in the community with. 
• Learning about the community: Many times the host of the munch is involved in or at least knows about what’s happening in the scene in your area. They can help point out other groups, classes, and parties that fit your interests.
• Meeting potential play partners: While the focus of a munch is on making friends, it’s just like any other social gathering in that you may meet someone you want to play with in the future.

Now, a downside of munches is that depending on the size of the group and how active the scene is in your city, it can sometimes feel like high school where people can get clicky and gravitate towards hanging out with the same group of friends. For a newcomer, that can sometimes be intimidating to step into. I recommend either finding a munch that either has a structured conversation, or one that regularly has new people flowing through it or makes it obvious it is friendly to newcomers. 

What’s the etiquette?

Most munches are pretty lowkey and there is not too much to worry about. Do make sure to read the event description because some munches may have a few specific rules they would like followed. Oftentimes these rules revolve around restrictions (like submissives only) or specific considerations for the venue.

However, there are a few unspoken guidelines to keep in mind:

• Dress vanilla: unless otherwise specified, most munches will be in a public place with regular people around. So it’s suggested to dress as anyone else in public would, meaning not showing up in your full fetish gear attire. This is asked because although you may be comfortable drawing attention to your participation in kink, the others at the munch may not be. Additionally, the public may not be comfortable with it either.
• Confidentiality: Sometimes you happen to run into someone you know from work or a different friend group and you get to have the either awkward or totally amazing realization that you’re both kinky. The courteous thing to do is keep that discovery to yourself and not be telling others that you saw them or found out about some of their kinks. Doing so can have real consequences for them in their personal and professional lives.
• Don’t yuk someone else’s yum: People who come to munches are doing a courageous act by being vulnerable about a side of them that many others would judge, criticize and shame. If someone shares a particular kink or fantasy with you that is not your thing, don’t tell them it’s disgusting or they are weird for having it. Imagine you were sharing one of your most intimate desires, how would you like the other person to respond?
• Consent: Before you touch someone, ask that person if it is ok to do so. You will often hear kinksters asking if they may hug each other. We’re all still friendly people, and many will be happy to hug, but we also respect each other’s bodily autonomy. No one will get angry because you asked, they can and will get upset if you don’t ask!

Where do I find a munch? 

First place to start is FetLife, the social networking site for kinksters. When you’re logged into your account, you can browse the events tab which features all the kinky events that are happening in your city including munches. When you find one, you can RSVP to it, or just note the date, time, and location and arrive there (some people prefer to do this in order to keep their privacy from other FetLife users). 

You can also search for groups in your city. Most groups include the city name in their listing, so you can just type your city in the search bar and look at the groups. Some groups will post calendars of their upcoming events including munches and play parties.

Get out from behind the computer

Personally, I think munches are great. In our hyper digital world, we spend far too much time behind computer screens and not enough time interacting with people in the flesh. Just as many people in the kink community are, I’m an introvert. It can be easy to not get out with others. However, some of the most down to earth and friendly people I’ve met at munches. Hosting my own munch, it’s also great to see people’s faces light up when they realize they are not alone in degeneracy. So do yourself a favor and attend a local munch in your area. Who knows, it could be your very first step to actually experiencing some of your desires.