5 Tools to Communicate Your Turn Ons

In the previous article I discussed how to discover your turn ons. You have so many desires you wish to have fulfilled, yet you don't know how to bring them up with your partner... Worse yet, you fear they will judge you, shame you, find you disgusting... How will you ever live out your fantasies? These 5 tools will make communicating with your partner quick, easy, and a lot of fun for the both of you, all within a container of openness and non-judgement.

What is the purpose of communication?

It may seem like a silly question, but think about it for a second. The purpose of communication is to transfer an idea from our mind to theirs because other people can’t read minds. So why when it comes to sex do we assume that the other person can read our mind and know what we want?! If we want to have our desires fulfilled, we need to express them to our partners.

The 5 tools in this article will help communicate your turn ons.

Your fear: They will judge you.

I remember being in relationships where I was anxious to bring up some of the more taboo and dominant sex acts or share a fantasy. It’s part of my innermost world and if they reject that… It feels like they are rejecting me. 

I’m sure you have been there. You have a sexual desire but you fear that if you share it, they will judge you and leave (our greatest fear in a relationship).

Does this sound like your thoughts: “What would my partner think of me for even contemplating this type of stuff? They’ll probably assume I was the most disgusting sexual deviant the world had ever seen, pack their things, storm from the house, then tell all their friends on social media what a pervert I was…”

Of course, this never happens. But the anxiety in all of this tends to rear up when we have to ask our partners to try something new sexually.

So how do we avoid this?

Building a safe container of openness and non-judgment

In order for both you and your partner to feel safe in divulging your inner world, you need to first create a container based on openness and non-judgment. 

Openness means that both of you are willing to hear the desires of the other person. If you both have that desire, then you can move forward with it. If only one person has the desire, but it's not something that is a hard no for the other person, then you are open to exploring how that desire may be fulfilled. 

Non-judgment means that if only one person has the desire, but the other person does not, for whatever reason, that other person does not judge them for having it. They may even explore ways they may get it fulfilled outside of the relationship. It also means that whatever desires are shared, you're not going to look down upon that person, call them disgusting, or get up and leave right then and there.

This container is built by one partner being vulnerable and the other being accepting. Then doing that over and over and over again. Each time this cycle happens, you gain a little more trust in the other person because you have reference points in your mind about having shared desires in the past.

So, I recommend starting small and “low risk” and working your way up to desires that reveal more of your inner world. I’m quite comfortable with sharing a lot of my desires early with partners, and even friends sometimes. However, I’ve had lots of reps doing so and eventually I realized that bad outcomes rarely happened from doing so. I became confident and comfortable with myself. In time you will, too.

If you struggle though, here's 5 tools to help.

5 Tools to Help You Communicate Your Turn Ons

The order of these tools are listed based on how strong your container is with your partner. If this is a new partner that you don’t have much rapport and connection with yet, then you can start with a desires statement which is low stakes in terms of revealing yourself. As your container gets stronger, you can begin sharing more with your partner using the tools in descending order. A sexual disclosure is the most intimate and revealing tool, so it's best to have a strong container with your partner before using it with them.

1. Desires statement

A Desires Statement is your sexy elevator pitch that conveys a lot of information in a short amount of time. It’s quick, easy, and perfect to use with new partners, or those you may be doing pick up play with at a kink play party.

A desires statement conveys:

• If you’re dominant, submissive, switch, or just a sexual being
• What you want to feel most
• Your top sexual activities you want to do
• Your hard limits
• Your boundaries or parameters for the relationship

The structure of your desires statement looks like this:

• As a (Dom/sub/switch or just sexual person) I want to be… List your top core desires.
• The top 5 activities I want to do are… List the top sexual activities you’d like to do.
• The things I absolutely don’t want are… List your hard limits.
• And I want our dynamic to be… List out your boundaries and parameters for the relationship.

So as an example, my desires statement might look something like this:

“As a Dom, I want to be naughty, desired, appreciated, primal, respected, and worshiped. The top activities I want to do are DD/lg roleplay, bondage, slave training, primal play, and erotic photography. The things I absolutely don't want are being sadistic, giving extreme degradation, or disrespectful brattiness. I want our dynamic to be non-monogamous, casual but still emotionally connected, with power exchange in the bedroom, and occasionally on dates and play parties.”

2. Pillow Talk

Post coitus is a wonderful time to share about your desires because you are both in a neurochemical high and more open and receptive to each other. So sexual desires can be a fun conversation. 

As you’re both laying there cuddling, you could simply ask "What are some things you have always wanted to try? If I tell you one, will you tell me one?" I always advocate for being vulnerable first as it's easier for the other partner to go second. Then start really mildly by saying something low stakes like "I've always wanted to try using a blindfold" (just an example). Your partner will then share theirs. It's important that when they do that you DO NOT judge them, say it's weird or gross, or be surprised/appalled. Instead encourage them. If it's not something you're into then you can say something like "That's cool you're into that. I don't think I would want to try it, but glad you know what you like and maybe there is another thing we can try." That will continue the practice of building a safe container. After going back and forth on a few desires or fantasies, you can start divulging more intimate or spicy desires. It should be easier to do because you already practiced with milder ones and seen your partner was open and encouraging.

3. Sexual bucketlist

Also known as a Fuck-it list, the sexual bucketlist is list of all the sexual experiences you want to try before you kick the bucket. These can be fun pieces of sex homework for you and your partner. I typically give this task to my partner pretty early on in the relationship.

Each of you writes down all of the nasty, taboo, kinky, adventurous, fun, sexy things you want to try.  It can be really simple such as “I want to try blindfolds” to an extremely elaborate fantasy. Then you share that list with each other. Now every time you have sex, you can just select something from one of the bucketlists. Basically a cheat code for keeping the novelty alive in the bedroom and making you super excited to have sex the next time you see your partner. 

Remember to foster that container. Let your partner know that they can write down anything they want and you won’t judge them or think differently of them. Let them know you want to see that side of them and encourage their vulnerability.

4. Sex menu

A sex menu is a list of sexual and BDSM activities against which you place a score indicating how much you’d like to try that thing. Sex menus are typically written out in spreadsheets (I prefer Google Sheets so the results can be shared between partners) for easy filtering and discussion of results. Here’s a free template you can use.

Benefits of using a sex menu:

• Leaving detailed reference notes: for each sexual act, you can leave a note for what that act means or looks like for you, adding any nuance to how you want it done or why you like/dislike it.
• Discover new things: especially if you're new to kink and other types of sex, you’ll probably spend a lot of time googling and finding out things you didn't even know existed.
• Consent: going through so many sexual acts allows you to give and receive a detailed form of consent about what is and is not on the table
• Rating: with a lot of the sexual world, there is a gray area of how much you might want to indulge in something beyond a simple yes I’m interested and no I’m not

I often have partners I’ve seen a few times fill one of these out as sex homework. If you have multiple partners like I do, it helps you to keep track of everyone's desires, boundaries, and limits. I will tell them to fill out their menu fully first, and then I will show them mine. Being a Dom, I don’t want my submissive partners to be influenced by choices and them saying they are into something in order to please me. Once they finish their menu, then I’ll send mine as a reward. Most of the time they thank me because of how much they discovered about themselves and about sex while filling it out.

5. Sexual disclosure

We previously discussed sexual disclosure as a tool for uncovering your core desires. However, it can also be used to communicate your desires. Instead of doing the sexual disclosure with a therapist or coach, you do it with your partner, divulging your entire erotic landscape and sexual experiences. This requires a lot of vulnerability on your part, a ton of trust in your partner, and a partner who is secure in themselves enough to hear it. It’s not something that should be taken lightly and you may never do it. That's ok. Just know it's available to you if you want to be that forthcoming.  

How to do a Sexual Disclosure:

• Set up a time (preferably an hour or more) with your partner
• Disclose ALL past sexual partners & experience with them.
• Disclose desires, kinks, & turn ons.
• Disclose any shame or guilt you feel around past partners, experiences, or turn ons.

Practice makes perfect

The more you communicate your desires to your partner, the easier it will be the next time. Each repetition allows you to be more vulnerable and more intimate in the details of your erotic mind. Each time you share, you build greater trust and connection with that partner. So use these tools as a way to get started. With practice you will be able to unabashedly ask for what you desire and share yourself openly and freely, with those you wish to do so with of course. As a result, you may actually get to live out some of those kinky fantasies you have been having.