Sex Menu: Ultimate Tool To Quickly Communicate Your Desires

Having trouble communicating your desires with your partner? Try using a sex menu, a powerful tool for telling your partner everything that turns you on, quickly and with less anxiety about talking about your desires!

What is a Sex Menu?

Sex menus are a tool for communicating your desires, turn ons, and kinks to partners using an extensive list of sexual and BDSM acts with a corresponding score of how much you would like participating in those acts. I wrote about sex menus as one of the 5 tools to communicate your turn ons. 

Sex menus are typically written out in spreadsheets (I prefer Google Sheets so the results can be shared between partners) for easy filtering and discussion of results.

You may have also heard to sex menu’s referred to as “Yes, No, Maybe” lists or desire menus.

Why create a sex menu?

Fosters good communication

Most people have also never taken the time to really express what turns them on, what they want in sex, and just leave it up to chance. In my experience, great consistent sex happens with communication. Actually, the keystone to a healthy relationship, whether a marriage, Dom sub dynamic, or polyamorous relationship, is communication.

However, many people struggle speaking about sex for a variety of reasons from their own shame and guilt, to not feeling heard, to not having the words to describe what they desire. Depending on how strong the container of openness and non-judgment is between you and your partner, you may know what you desire, but it can be hard to speak up for those desires in person. 

Sometimes it’s easier to communicate your desires and boundaries by writing them down. It allows you to detach yourself from the act and observe it from an outside perspective, which makes it easier to say “yes! I enjoy this!” without shame and guilt.

What makes these menus a super powerful tool are two things:

• Leaving detailed reference notes: for each sexual act, you can leave a note for what that act means or looks like for you, adding any nuance to how you want it done or why you like/dislike it.
• Rating: with a lot of the sexual world, there is a gray area of how much you might want to indulge in something beyond a simple yes I’m interested and no I’m not. Sex menus have multiple categories such as “Hard limit, Soft limit, Occasionally, Love it, Need it, Try it, Indifferent.”

After you share the menu with your partner, they now have a greater understanding of what to do to turn you on and what not to do to avoid overstepping boundaries, leading to much more satisfying sex!

Discover new things

Sex menus are also excellent tools for discovering what turns you on. As you begin filling one out, you’re bound to come across sexual acts, kinks, and fetishes you have never even heard of. I know the first time I filled one out I came across dogging and had zero clue what that meant… So you open up your trusty friend google and sometimes you get pleasantly surprised saying, “oh… OH! That’s hot!” and open up a whole new world of possibilities for yourself.

Get and give consent

The concept of consent is fundamentally important in any BDSM act, but it applies to any sexual act in general. Using sex menus allows you to detail how and when certain acts are appropriate, how you will do them, and what it looks like for you. You have the opportunity to begin the discussions of giving consent to your partner about what’s on the table for them to do with you. A sex menu makes it far easier to ensure you are engaging in BDSM and sexual activities in a safe, sane and consensual manner.

Manage multiple partners

If you have some version of an open relationship, practice ethical non-monogamy, or are polyamorous, then you have to understand and remember multiple partners' turn ons and boundaries. Using sex menus with every partner can easily allow you to refresh your memory of what that person likes and does not like so you don’t get your partners confused.

Creates sexual variety

If you create a sex menu with your partner, you now have a list of hundreds of acts your partner enjoys or wants to try. Every time you have sex, you can choose a new act and always keep things fresh in the bedroom.

How to create a sex menu?

You’re welcome to try creating one from scratch; however, I don’t recommend it. You don’t know what you don’t know. Besides, many people on the internet have taken the time to compile huge lists for you. In fact, I have one you can use for free on Google Sheets with 350+ sex acts. You’re welcome.

At the top of the menu is space to leave some essential discussion topics that are important when discussing sexual acts, such as the types of emotions you wish to feel during sex.

Next is the list of sexual acts. Essentially the first column contains all the sex acts, grouped by category. The second column contains a score, indicating how much you want to try the activity. And a third column is for you to add notes to explain the reason behind your score.

The bottom of the sex menu leaves space to list out medical conditions, hard limits, and things not on the menu you’d be interested in trying, and any other comments.

Step 1: Filling out your sex menu

It’s best for you and your partner to fill out your sex menus separately and then share after completing them. This allows you to fully express yourself first and then share that information with your partner.

I often have partners I’ve seen a few times fill one of these out as sex homework. I will tell them to fill out their menu fully first, and then I will show them mine. Being a Dom, I don’t want my submissive partners to be influenced by choices and them saying they are into something in order to please me. Once they finish their menu, then I’ll send mine as a reward. Most of the time they thank me because of how much they discovered about themselves and about sex while filling it out.

A few things to keep in mind as you fill out your menu:

• Be honest: You will never have your deepest desires fulfilled if you are not honest that you have those desires.
• Don’t try to please your partner: This is YOUR sex menu. If you think your partner is into something and you're not, don’t mark on your sex menu that you want to do that activity. You will regret it later and be resentful if asked to do something you don’t want.
• Have fun with it! Yes, it's a long list. But it’s not just some task that needs to be done like washing the dishes. It’s a tool to help you build an exciting sex life. Which, sex is fun, right?

Step 2: Have a discussion

As I mentioned in 5 tools to communicate your turn ons, when you discuss sex and desires with your partner, you want to do so in a container of openness and non-judgment.

Be curious as to what it is about that act each of you enjoys. If you are not willing to try something your partner mentions, you may find an alternative way to elicit the same feelings for them by using another method or act.

What will most likely happen, is both of you will now have a list of exciting things to do with each other and lots of room for exploration.

Step 3: Revisit your sex menu

Over time your preferences and tastes will most likely change. As you explore you may also develop new boundaries. So I recommend revisiting your sex menu every 6 months or so. That way you and your partner always have a reference so you can communicate with each other.

Sex Menu Google Sheet

Here’s a free sex menu created on Google Sheets containing over 350 kinky sex acts for you to discuss and rate with your partner. Use it to instantly improve communication in relationships and have a better and more satisfying sex life!