Ethical Non Monogamy: A Practical Guide to Having Multiple Partners

Curious about ethical non monogamy? Learn what ethical non monogamy (ENM) is, why someone would want to share or have multiple partners, and how to practice ENM for multiple happy relationships.

Despite what some people may have you believe, there are no one-size-fits-all rules for doing relationships. It’s about finding out what works for you. 

For some people this means being monogamous – having only one partner. For others it means being non-monogamous, which means having more than one partner, or having one partner but having sex with other people as well.

Today, we’re going to dive deep into non monogamy, specifically ethical non monogamy (because being cheated on sucks, right?) and how you take practical steps to having fulfilling relationships with more than one partner. Whether you’re curious why someone would want to practice ethical non monogamy or you want to be able to do it for yourself, I’m going to break it all down for you, including practical insights from my own journey.

What is Ethical Non Monogamy?

Let us first consider what the standard monogamous relationship looks like.

Person A + Person B = Relationship

The fantasy of monogamy is that we all have a “soulmate for life,” – but in reality, it’s really just a commitment to one person at a time.

However, what if Person A starts having feelings for Person C, or what if Person B wants to fulfill some deep seeded desires that Person A has no interest in, or what if Person A and Person B fall in love with Person C and D and F…

Monogamy implies there is one person you will love and have sex with and you’re to never love or have sex with another person outside of that relationship. However, it’s quite common for humans to lust or love other people, sometimes multiple people, and often shame themselves for even having those thoughts when inside a monogamous relationship.

Enter stage right, non monogamy.

Ethical non monogamy (ENM), also referred to as consensual non monogamy, is the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple partners who are all honest, aware of and agree to this relationship structure.

Myths about Ethical Non Monogamy

Ethical non monogamy gets a bad rap because of internalized prejudice towards any form of relationship that goes against the grain of the societal “norm”. But in reality, it’s just another form of expressing love that works for some and others not so much.

Common Myths:

• Non-monogamy is an excuse for cheating: at its core, ethical non-monogamy is inherently different from cheating as it places a strong focus on consent, honesty, and openness. Cheating, in contrast, is a betrayal of trust.
• ENM relationships are unhealthy: studies have shown no significant differences in levels of relationship satisfaction between monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The toxicity of a relationship does not have to do with the structure of the relationship, but rather the behaviors of those in the relationship, regardless of structure. 
• Non-monogamy is an attempt to avoid commitment: Just because someone does not conform to a monogamous structure does not mean that they do not ever fully commit to someone. In ENM, there is always commitment, at least to some degree, with everyone you get involved with.
• Non-monogamy is complicated: These relationship structures can be complex but don’t have to be complicated. Complex tends to signify that something has multiple layers/parts/components (in this case partners). Complicated would tend to signify that something is difficult or requires advanced knowledge because of its complexity. Later in this article I’ll show you how to make ENM less complicated.
• Non-monogamous relationships never work: This myth is born from the societal belief that “success” in relationships is equivalent to the longevity of that relationship, despite the quality of the relationship or how happy its participants are. It can be the case that some ENM relationships are shorter than others, but that’s often due to the fact that those practicing ENM are ok with the relationships ending and don’t cling to them. On the other hand, some people have had decade long non monogamous relationships that are as happy or more so than their monogamous counterparts.

The Spectrum of Ethical Non Monogamy

One of the problems with the way we often think as humans is putting everything into neat little boxes and compartments in our mind. Our brain is so efficient at this that it often creates binaries to describe phenomena - “good” or “bad”, “right or wrong” - when reality is far more complex and often needs nuance to properly describe it.

When it comes to relationships, we make this same mistake, labeling all relationships as monogamous or non monogamous as if it were a light switch. Reality is, relationships are messy and we experience them in a multitude of ways. Here’s just an example from the Wikipedia page on non monogamy…

Look at just how many ways people actually experience their relationships. Things can get confusing fast…

It’s far more helpful for you to think of non-monogamy as a spectrum, where at one end lies a completely closed, one person to one person, monogamous relationship and at the other end lies the most completely open relationship you could think of where every aspect of love, sex, and commitment are open to be had with any and all people. Between those two points lies hundreds of relationship structures unique to the needs, boundaries, and relationship capabilities of each person in that relationship.

When viewed in this way, it opens your mind to the possibility that maybe you could still have a very committed relationship with someone, but for certain circumstances, it could be more open. On the other hand, if you’re someone who has been practicing ENM and missing some of the benefits that come with monogamous relationships, you know that you can move yourself on the spectrum more towards monogamy without having to entirely close your relationships.

Popular Types of Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships

Although you can essentially structure your relationship however you’d like, there are few common structures that can act as starting points for you to conceptualize what an ENM relationship might look like.

Popular models:

• Polyamory:  having romantic love with more than one person
• Hierarchical polyamory: one partner is primary and takes priority over the relationships
• Throuple or triad: all partners are in a romantic and sexual relationship with each other
• Closed V: two people share a romantic and sexual connection with the third, but not to each other
• Monogamish: usually monogamous (as far as anyone else knows), but they make allowances for sexual occurrences with others to take place in certain circumstances
• Swinging: recreational sex with others but don’t necessarily pursue romantic relationships with them
• BDSM or D/s dynamics: either with or without a romantic component. It’s usually, but not always, because the other partner just doesn’t share the same kinks as their current partner.
• Relationship anarchy: rejects traditional relationship norms and hierarchies, valuing all connections based on mutual agreement without predefined roles. It’s about creating intimate relationships that suit individual needs and values, allowing for a highly personalized approach to love and intimacy.

Of course, these are not your only options. Your relationship can look however you like, as long as it’s accepted by you and your partner (and anyone else you decide to include). If wrapping your head around designing a new relationship structure is difficult and overwhelming, you can work with a sex & relationship coach to help you untangle the mess and gain clarity on exactly what you want and how to implement it.

Why Do People Choose Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Why on earth would anyone want to share their partner? A common question that I hear from those that have never practiced Ethical Non Monogamy or feel that monogamy strongly works for them. Before I explain some common reasons, let me share my story coming into ENM in hopes that it illuminates how one’s thinking, beliefs, or desires might guide one here.

How I came to practice ENM

Growing up, I didn’t exactly have the best models of relationships. My parents divorced when I was two. My father went through 3 marriages (and subsequently 3 divorces) with my mother being the second. I also witnessed him cheat on his third wife, and while it could be easy to say he was “bad” for doing so, I’d learn later in life that things are not so black and white.

Fast forward to when I later got a girlfriend in college. At the time I just accepted monogamy and we rode the relationship escalator all the way to marriage, because that’s “just what you do.” I don’t really know if I ever bought into the idea of marriage fully, but I didn’t really know what else existed. However, there were two things that I promised my wife: 1) I will never cheat on you. 2) I don’t see divorce as a failure, and if for whatever reason it comes to a point that continuing to be in the marriage is more detrimental than supportive to our thriving, then it will be ok to end things. Now we can philosophically argue whether I set things to end from the beginning or not because I didn’t fully commit or set up an escape clause, but to me, it felt like the truth. 

We spent 8 beautiful years together. We were a powerhouse couple. We really moved mountains together and really cared for one another. However, in the back of my mind I had a fear that at some point, a beautiful woman was going to enter my life and capture my mind. I knew myself. I have a tattoo on my forearm of a siren with the word’s “Captain’s Temptations” wrapped around her as a daily reminder of how there can be some women that completely rapture my attention. Honesty is too high a value for me, and I would never cheat on my wife, and so I feared the day I would live in agony and resentment of feeling trapped to not express my desire or love freely.

On top of that, I have a high sex drive and I’m what Miss Jaiya calls from her erotic blueprints, a shapeshifter - meaning I enjoy and desire all that sex has to offer from the sensual to sexual, and energetic to kinky, and shift to be what my partner desires, but my desires often go unfulfilled because it can be too much for the other partner if they only desire one type of sex. It’s sort of like walking into a buffet, I’m the guy who wants to put a little taste of everything on his plate (which is funny because I used to do that as a kid.) Unfortunately, my wife and I had sexual incompatibility, and I often shamed myself, thinking I was too much for her, and maybe even a little fucked up for the desires around Dominance and submission I had.

About 6 years into our relationship, I read Sex at Dawn, which despite its questionable scientific references, for the first time spoke to some of the feelings I had and that maybe there could be a different way of thinking about relationships. The only real life example I had was a man in my men’s group who was in an open relationship with his girlfriend, but they never really acted on the open part that much. So in “Brandon let’s get shit done and not let fear hold you back” fashion, I brought it up with my wife on one of our relationship check-ins. Yeah… that did not go too hot and we both cried in the parking lot. 

To be honest, I was too naive, uneducated, insecure, and ill-equipped to actually communicate properly, holding space for both of us to work through and actually make it a viable option. If I was the person I am now, back then, it's a good possibility we’d be in an open marriage right now. That’s now how learning lessons in life works. SO, instead I bottled it up, shoved it down, and all but neutered my sexual energy. We were married, I was determined to make the marriage work. It was really healthy (sarcasm).

Two years goes by and the resentment has begun to set in. I feel utterly trapped in the confines of a structure that I don’t believe in. It’s not that I didn’t love her, I did. I didn’t love the institution of marriage, more specifically the chains of monogamy. I’m an ambitious person, and a few other value differences started to arise in which the directions of our lives were starting to come to a divergence point. I had already felt I had sacrificed an entire part of my personality in support of the marriage, and I was no longer willing to negotiate and compromise. 

One day we went for a walk for our relationship check-in and she said she was really unhappy in the relationship. Right then and there, I knew it was time. The relationship was no longer serving either of us. I would rather her be happy without me than unhappy with me. I said I think we should get a divorce. She immediately agreed. And we cried together in the middle of the street. Luckily for us, we were getting divorced out of love and respect for each other, rather than hating one another. So it was the easiest, smoothest divorce ever and we are still great friends and check up on one another often.

Now, I was free to explore and express myself fully without hurting anyone. I could seek partners who possibly had the same desires as myself. I tend to use the term “non monogamous” in the broadest sense, but I guess I could be defined as a relationship anarchist. I have a real problem with labels, rules and standards put on me for what sometimes feels like arbitrary reasons (guess that’s why I want to make the rules as the Dom). For every relationship, I want that relationship to suit our needs and values, irrespective of what anyone outside of that relationship deems it to be.

In doing so, I’ve had many beautiful relationships with dozens of submissive women at different depths and lengths of time, all while being honest, ethical, and emotionally available. I also embraced my Dominant personality in all areas of my life where I lead and it has made me an incredibly powerful person inside and outside of the bedroom. Much of what I write here about sex, Dominance and submission, and relationships is my direct learning from those experiences.

Common Reasons Why People Choose Non Monogamy

For the people that practice non monogamous relationships, there are some commonalities for why they choose to do so.

Common reasons:

• They don’t believe in monogamy: Monogamy is not how we are evolutionarily wired, anymore than non monogamy is. Monogamy is a social institution, a story, and a value. Not everyone values sexual and romantic exclusivity. Simple as that.
• It’s too much to ask one person to fill every role: In a business, we hire multiple people for specific tasks rather than asking one person to do every role. In a monogamous relationship, we ask one person to play dozens of social roles we might need and that becomes a burden.
• Love is meant to expand, not contract: It can feel bad to not be able to express your love or desire for another person when you know you clearly feel it. It starts to paint your current partner in a bad light, as if they are being selfish not allowing you to spread your love. Just because we love another person, doesn't mean our love for you is diminished. That's not the way love works. Love expands, not contracts.
• Allowing connections to be at whatever level is most conducive to genuine connection: Depending on a variety of factors including personality, values, attraction levels, and more, some connections are more conducive to friends, to FWBs, to spouses, to sex only connections, to dating, to being a work-spouse, to whatever you want to call each other. When someone is pigeon holed to one option as monogamous partner, they are judged and evaluated against the ideal of being a “perfect match”, and anyone falling short of that gets kicked to the wayside. However, when you have many options for connections, you allow that person to be as they are, perfect for the level of connection that best suits you two being happy and loving to one another.
• They value freedom and autonomy: Non monogamy from the beginning makes clear that your time, your love, your body, and your autonomy are yours and yours alone. Nobody can dictate how you can interact with anybody in your life except for you.
• Sexual diversity: Some people have higher sex drives than others, or more variety in their sexual tastes. Matching with a single person to fulfill a large sexual palate such as that can be too much for that person.
• Allowing relationships to take their natural course: Relationships should only exist as long as they are enriching for the people in them. If however the relationship is detrimental long term the relationship should not exist. Relationships naturally end and people will fall away sometimes. Monogamy can feel like a trap, not letting that person leave.

It makes them feel good to see their partner happy with another person: For some people, they genuinely enjoy seeing their partner happy and fulfilled, even with another person. This is known as compersion. For others, they may even get turned on sexually by seeing their partner with other people.

How to Practice Ethical Non-Monogamy

You are welcome to do research and discover different types of relationship structures out there. There are lots of great books on the subject. However, I tend to like to work from first principles whenever possible, and sometimes I feel like all the jargon can make it unnecessarily complicated. So I’m going to try to simplify this for you. Consider it a starting point.

To practice non-monogamy, I think you need four broad elements:

• Desires
• Boundaries
• Capacity
• Communication

Let’s break each of these down.

Desires: What do you want and need?

This is not a trick question. There are no right or wrong answers. 

In fact, as you answer it, refrain from judging yourself because those judgements are most likely limitations still set within the confines of a monogamous relationship model.

What are your desires when it comes to relationships…

• Emotionally?
• Sexually?
• Energetically?
• Spiritually?
• Romantically?
• I could go on framing it in different ways…

The point is, I want you to gain some self awareness around your particular needs. You might find you are asking one person to do a lot, and those needs might be better served by two or more people.

Knowing these desires can help you determine how you might like to structure your relationships, and where you might fall along the spectrum of non-monogamy. In fact, it’s totally ok to still value some of the things from monogamy and lean more monogamous! This is not about swinging to the other extreme of complete openness. It’s about finding where you can live with the most integrity.

Boundaries: What are the boundaries of these relationships?

Boundary setting is about defining a line about what is acceptable behavior and actions towards you and what is unacceptable behavior and actions towards you. Boundaries tell others how you want to be treated. It’s like handing your partner an operating manual to you. I don’t care where you fall on the non monogamy spectrum, boundaries are necessary. 

An example of boundary I often set in my non monogamous relationships is that I’m ok with hearing about your other partners on a surface level, but I don’t necessarily want to hear a lot of details about them, and I don’t want to hear about the sexual interactions with them. I consider myself a pretty secure person, but I am human after all. I know from experience, that when my partner shares something about another partner of theirs, my masculine competitive brain all the sudden kicks on and I want to now be the “best”. That’s just egotistically ridiculous because I know my partner can love me for whatever reasons that can be totally separate from why they love that other person, and we don’t need to compete. Sure, I could work through the emotional trigger every time, or I could just set a boundary so it doesn’t come up. 

Likewise, I often set a boundary that I don’t want to discuss my other partners too much during the time I’m spending with that partner. I set this for two reasons. First, I want to be entirely present with the person in front of me, not thinking about my other partners. Second, especially when speaking about looks or my “type”, they often will start comparing themselves and thinking less of themselves. Sure, I may not be giving them the opportunity to work through those emotions, but I feel it works better for me when it’s not even brought up.

Do what works for you. Just be sure you express your boundaries to your partners.

Capacity: What’s your capacity for commitment?

Let’s talk about the word “casual” for a second. As with most extremely vague words, I find it to be quite problematic. What the fuck does a casual relationship mean?

I find that the word causal still lives within the paradigm of monogamous relationships, implying that you're seeing multiple people with no emotional connection or investment with those people. It implies that I'm not serious about our relationship. I think that is looney toons.

I don’t throttle emotion or vulnerability in any relationship. That’s like the blood force of the relationship. Also, I am serious, within the confines of our mutually established boundaries, and sometimes those boundaries might be we are only connecting this one time, and one time only.

I think a far better lens for which to view relationships through is commitment.

Commitment implies a dedication, an investment, of time, energy, and resources. There are real, tangible limits on those and you can only commit so much to each person. Some relationships will have little commitment, while others have a lot of commitment.

People don’t like to think about romantic relationships in transactional terms, but I’m here to tell you there is no such thing as unconditional love. Even your dog, who is one of the most loving beings on this planet, will still turn on you if you don’t hold up your end of the relationship and starve them. In every relationship, you are in that relationship because it brings you some amount of value by fulfilling one or more needs or desires. The relationships that bring more value, you’re more likely to commit your time, energy, and resources to.

In the next section, we’re going to talk about honest and upfront communication. In order for you to be honest, you have to be realistic about your capacity for commitment. If someone is looking for a lot of commitment, and you don’t have the capacity for that, you need to be honest with them about that. 

There are also logistical considerations. If you’re committing a lot of time, energy, and resources elsewhere, you’re going to have less to give to other people. This puts a real limitation on the number of people you can have connections with depending on the depth of the connections you want in those relationships.

So, get very realistic - what is your capacity for committing:

• Time
• Energy
• Resources

Let’s touch on each of these for a moment.

How much time do you have available?

In order to build a relationship and feel like you “know” someone, you have two variables you can control:

Relationship depth = QUANTITY of time spent together x QUALITY of that time spent together

When increasing the quantity of time spent with another person, you begin to feel confident about the patterns of their behavior. They become predictable and known to you. Increasing quantity also allows more opportunities to begin improving the quality of the relationship.

Time spent together becomes quality when you reveal more of yourself to the other person, making each person feel seen, heard, and known to a greater depth compared to other relationships. The more quality time you spend, the deeper your connection will feel.

Why does this matter? If you want to build a relationship, you either need to increase your quantity, increase your quality, or both. 

Monogamous relationships rely heavily on increasing the quantity of time. You spend every day together. However, monogamous relationships sometimes fall into the trap of becoming surface level in their interactions, particularly after many years together, and the quality of the relationship drops.

Non monogamous relationships don’t have the luxury of relying only on quantity of time. The more partners you have, the less time you have to give to each one. Quality of time becomes extremely important. Focus on quality allows you to have fulfilling relationships, even when you may be only spending one day a month with that person. With that said, each of those relationships could be deeper if the quantity of time together were also increased.

In practice, this means you need to get out your calendar and allocate your available time for relationships against all your other commitments. You also need to weigh your availability against how deep you want all of those relationships to be.

If you have 5 nights a week available, you could have 1-2 very deep relationships, or a few shallower connections. If you only have 1-2 nights available a week, you might only have the capacity for 1-2 relationships.

A personal tip: Develop your ability to be present with whomever is in front of you. This means your attention is as close as possible to 100% focused on them. Your mind is not on your other partners, on work, and not worrying about yourself. Mastering presence will dramatically improve the quality of your time spent with someone, even if it’s only for an hour.

How much energy do you have available?

Now think about your mental emotional energy. Technically, there is not a limit to this. In practice, however, we all have things that feel like they “drain” or “fuel” us. Relationships take mental and emotional energy to sustain, especially if you’re holding space to go deeper with another partner. 

If your life is already full of more things draining you then fueling your energy, you either need to be highly selective in the partners you bring into your life, ensuring they are not drains, or you need to minimize the amount of partners you have.

If you feel abundant in your energy, maybe even overflowing and want to share it with others, you may have a greater capacity to have multiple partners.

How many resources do you have available?

Resources become a real limitation particularly as you begin deepening these relationships and want to take steps towards greater commitment, ranging from small commitments like dates and trips, to larger commitments such as moving in together or having a child. 

Limited resources makes it difficult to make larger commitments, even with just one person, let alone multiple partners. It’s going to be easier to have multiple FWBs than it is to have multiple live-in partners or spouses. 

Communication: The bedrock of your relationships

Communication is the only way that humans are able to collaborate with each other to reach a shared goal. In the case of romance, that goal is love and connection. To successfully have that love and connection with one or more partners, you’ll need to communicate everything we covered in the previous categories.

Communication is an ongoing process and you can’t just communicate once and be done. With that said, communicating from the start of a relationship is crucially important so that each person can determine whether or not they will find value in the relationship and if they would like to start committing more. 

I always advocate being open, honest and upfront about your intentions and what you’re looking for. If you already have partners, be honest with new partners about how many.  If you’re only seeking a sex only relationship, be honest about that. If you’re open to it becoming more in the future, be honest about that. If you start one way, then want something else in the future, be honest about that. If you start committing more to another partner and need to commit less to this partner, be honest about that. The only reason you’re not being honest is you either are trying to trick the other person, or you fear that person rejecting and leaving you.

Once you’re in the relationship, most of your conflict will either be needs going unmet which must be expressed, or boundaries being crossed that may have not been stated before. To navigate these conversations, I recommend listening to your partner first, and speaking second.

Listen First

When communicating with your partner, especially to increase the quality and depth of the relationship, you need to facilitate dialogue in a way that the other person feels seen, heard, and known. The Imago Dialogue process is an excellent way to learn how you can be reacting and actively listening to what your partner is saying. The dialogue process is used in therapy contexts and can be quite robotic if you follow it to the letter. The more you weave these into your normal language, the less robotic the process will sound. What’s more helpful is to learn the skills and phrases associated with mirroring, being curious, checking for accuracy in your understanding, summarizing, validating, and empathizing. 

Some key phrases to learn:

• “I would like to talk about… Is now a good time?” - this shows that you respect that your partner may have a million other things going on in her life or have no time or energy to talk at that moment. If they say no, you set another time to talk.
• “If I got that, you said… is that correct?” - after they express themselves, you mirror back what they said in your own words. This shows that you actually listened and understood them. So many times people just want to be heard and understood.
• “Is there more about that?” - sometimes people hesitate to share everything, especially if they have evidence that you flew off the handle in the past. This invites them to express themselves fully.
• “You make sense, and what makes sense is…” - people hate when you invalidate their emotions and write them off as being crazy. They have every right to feel what they feel, just as you do. By letting them know you understand why they might be feeling the way they do, you validate their perspective, which makes them feel seen and known while also opening them up to hear your perspective.
• “I imagine you might be feeling…” - now you are empathizing with them, showing them that you really get their feelings. If you actually get a felt sense of what their emotions are, it’s going to directly impact the decisions you make regarding them because you know what it feels like to feel that emotion, even if it’s in a different context. You won’t treat them like shit because you know how it feels to be treated like shit.

This process is actually beneficial to you because it digs deeper than the surface level of their original words, giving you greater insight. What they say first is usually not the entire picture and you shouldn’t just take the words at face value.

Speak second

Once you’ve understood their perspective and needs, it’s now time to express yours. When you’re expressing your needs, I recommend using nonviolent communication. The benefits of doing so are:

• It separates objective observations about reality, feelings you're having about the situation, and needs going unfulfilled. 
• Keeps you from attacking and blaming them, which would put you into a victim frame, and instead requires you to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs.
• Allows you to speak both logically, by stating objective facts, and emotionally, by stating the feelings by themselves. You don’t conflate the two and make poor decisions or speak unclearly. You also don’t disregard how the situation is making you feel.

‍Basics of non-violent communication:

• Observation: you’re stating an objective observation about the situation, such as she texts you in the middle of the work day.
• Feelings: you’re stating an emotion NOT a thought, such as you feel annoyed and angry when she texts you in the middle of the work day
• Needs: then you’re stating a need or value that is causing you to have that emotion, such as the need to stay focused and productive to finish your work
• Request: lastly, you make a request in the form of “Would you be willing to…?”, such as “would you be willing to wait until 5pm to text me during the day?”

The real power of nonviolent communication comes in the request for your needs to be fulfilled. When you make the request for your needs to be met, there must be no expectation of them to say yes and you must be ok no matter the outcome. Any form of manipulating them to try to get your needs met is insecurity and neediness. If they say no, then you take responsibility for yourself and find another way for that need to be met. They owe you nothing.

After hearing your partner out, and expressing your needs, you now decide what’s going to happen. In this process, remember your integrity and speak honestly.  This is where it’s going to be important that you are in control of your emotions. If you’re not, you’re going to say and do things that placate them and try to make them happy because you can’t handle the confrontation and discomfort of doing what is in alignment with your vision, values, and true desires. Don’t say something if it’s not true. Don’t do something if it's not what you want.

Do what works for you two (or many of you)

If I could say only one thing in this article, it’s to forget what other people outside of your relationships say your relationships should look like, and design what works for you and your partners.

Ethical non monogamy, much like any relationship style, isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. It’s about finding what resonates with your personal values, desires and circumstances. I encourage you to remain open to the idea that relationships can be designed in myriad ways, each offering unique experiences and lessons.

Whether you see ethical non monogamy as a viable option for yourself or not, the core principles we’ve discussed — desires, boundaries, capacity, and communication — are universal. They can enhance any relationship, monogamous or otherwise.