A Practical Guide to Tantric Sex for Beginners

Curious about tantric sex but have no idea where to start? Want to deepen your emotional connection, enhance your pleasure, and feel closer to your partner than you have ever before? Then this guide on sex and tantra is for you.

Why Tantric Sex?

Sex is the most intimate act that two (or more) people can do with one another. Yet sometimes we can treat it as if it were like asking someone to run to the grocery store with you to get milk. It’s not like every sexual encounter needs to bring you spiritually closer to each other, and sometimes even to something greater than either of you, but it could, if that’s what you desire.

Incorporating tantric practices into your sex life and relationships can open the door to:

• Deepened emotional connection: At the heart of tantric relationships is emphasizing forging a profound emotional bond. Unlike conventional intimacy, which often prioritizes physical pleasure, tantric sex encourages partners to be fully present with each other.
• Enhanced pleasure and sensitivity: Tantric techniques prioritize the journey over the destination. By slowing down and savoring each moment, individuals become more attuned to their bodies and the subtle sensations of their partners. This increased awareness of sensation amplifies the pleasure of each touch.
• Stress reduction and relaxation: The use of breathwork in combination with the intimate contact with your partner offers a unique blend of mindfulness and physical intimacy. The fusion of mind and body practices helps alleviate stress, release pent-up tensions, and promote a sense of well-being.
• Personal growth and self-awareness: Tantric practices are not just about connecting with a partner but also about self-discovery. By delving deep into tantric sexuality, individuals embark on a journey of self-awareness. They become more in tune with their desires, boundaries, and emotional triggers.
• Spiritual growth and unity: At its core, tantric sex is a spiritual practice. It’s about transcending the physical realm and connecting with the divine energy within and around us. By integrating tantric practices into their intimacy, couples can experience a sense of unity, not just with each other but with the universe. This spiritual dimension adds depth and meaning to the act, transforming it from a physical act to a sacred ritual.

For you rational types, myself included, that last one may be much to swallow. And yet, you might be begrudgingly yearning for it. Let me help you understand what Tantra is a little more before we just throw it into woo woo land. 

What is Tantra?

If you google Tantra right now, you’re going to wade through a lot of bullshit. To understand Tantra, we must first separate Neo-Tantra from Tantra, and the role that sexuality plays in both.

Tantra is a spiritual tradition started by culminating scriptures and practices from many different tribes in Southeast Asia and would become the precursor to Hinduism and Buddhism, emphasizing enlightenment and rituals. 

Neo-tantra, its modern Western counterpart, focuses on enhanced sexual experiences and personal growth, adapting traditional teachings of classical Tantra for contemporary sensibilities.

The most prominent form of Tantra was Nondual Śaiva Tantra. In this tradition, Tantra is the direct experience of the sacred reality represented by Śiva and Śakti. Śiva as pure consciousness that underlies everything and Śakti as its living energy that manifests the whole universe. With this worldview also comes spiritual practices, such as contemplation on the worldview itself (philosophy), meditation, yoga exercises of the subtle body, and sharpening of the senses. The goal of these practices is to realize the divinity in all things, including self-realization, in order to attain worldly and spiritual liberation.

So how does that lead to a focus on sexuality seen in Neo-Tantra? The original texts of Tantra actually speak very little of sex. Rather, there a few key philosophies that allow sex to have its elevated position as practice to reach the divine:

1. Everything can be a spiritual practice: Washing the dishes, walking the dog, or having sex, are opportunities to encounter and experience the divine if you are diligent about your practice to present awareness.
2. The role of the physical body: Unlike some classical yogic traditions which viewed the body as impure, sinful and an obstacle to enlightenment, Tantra views the body as an instrument to experience the sacredness in everything - sometimes by means of the senses of the body. By engaging all of our senses in a heightened state during sex, we can amplify the tunement of this instrument.
3. Shiva and Shakti at the center: At first it seems confusing, but Shiva and Shakti are one. However, they represent two different aspects of reality. Shiva is also described as the light of awareness, as potential, as beyond space and time and inaccessible through our senses. Whereas Shakti is seen as the personified feminine divinity, representing the entire universe in all its material forms. The experience of these two aspects is the experience of absolute reality. According to Tantra, it is necessary to know both sides in order to have a complete experience of the Absolute and to enjoy true spiritual freedom. The act of sex can be interpreted as the union of Shiva and Shakti, of masculine and feminine, and has influenced practices like the Yab Yum, which I will discuss later.

But before I get there, let’s cover one other controversial topic: energy.

Tantra without the “Woo”

To be clear, I consider myself a spiritual person and the ancient beliefs embedded in Tantra actually resonate with me quite a bit. However, I know that some people will completely disregard these practices, missing out on a boatload of benefits in pleasure, because of the spiritual associations. So let's discuss what’s happening on a physiological level, particularly around “energy”.

Like most ancient traditions that did not have an understanding of biological processes in the body, Tantra's "energy" is not a literal thing but points to a real biological experience.

For example, the practice of Qi-Gong is meant to restore and move "energy" throughout the body. In reality, the practices have you breathe deeply, which hyper-oxygenates the blood, and then you move the body around, encouraging blood flow of that oxygenated blood. This gets blood to places that naturally need restoration and brings more oxygen to the brain, making you feel more alertness and arousal.

What most people practice when they say they do Tantra is actually more accurately described as Neo-Tantra. At the foundation of Neo-Tantra, when you strip out all the spiritual stuff, are biological components which produce real responses between you and your partner. These practices include using a combination of breath, eye contact, and touch which will work together to pull levers in your brain.

Now there is an experience which is often referred to as an energy orgasm. If we understand that an orgasm creates a neurological response; and that breath, eye contact, and touch can all create neurological responses, then in theory we may be able to simulate a similar experience.

None of you have probably done this so let me give you the closest experiences to it.

Think about the experience of cuddling, skin to skin and how you feel. That warm, fuzzy, floating feeling you get.

Now, think about the experience of holding eye contact for a really long time with someone you like or think is attractive. That tension and antsy feeling.

Now, there is a practice called holotropic breathwork, which is like deep breathing for 15-60 mins, and it's supposedly like doing DMT. I've never done DMT. I have done holotropic breathwork. But maybe some of you have at least done Wim Hof breathing (which is actually a form of tummo breathing). Think about that feeling of having super oxygenated blood flowing through your body, being hyper aware but calm and in tune with your body.

Now smash all those together and you're getting what I can only conceptualize as an energy orgasm. I don't really know. I don't have an MRI machine in my fucking bedroom. My point is that by using deliberate elements of breath, eye contact, and touch during sex it can bring you both deeply into your bodies, quiets the mind, and puts you two in sync. All of which makes it significantly easier for you to have multiple, intensified and blended orgasms.

Energy movement has to do with being able to move the sensations that you have created through eye gazing, touch, and breath and feel them throughout the rest of the body. It's also about bringing in a degree of empathy, knowing the same sensations and feelings you feel are also felt in your partner. You're essentially trying to sync to each other. This is where things get "spiritual" and "you become one" and "move energy through each other". Whether you believe in that or not is up to you. The reality is that you two will feel closer when feeling the same sensations created through these physiological practices.

How to Get Started With Tantric Sex

3 Basic Pillars to Tantric Sex

For a beginner, there are 3 main pillars you want to focus on: Eye gazing, touch, & breathing.

1: Eye Gazing

As foreplay: The most basic practice is to essentially sit with your partner  and look into each other's eyes for an extended period of time. I will sometimes do this when my partner first comes over before sex. It will create a separation from the busy world and bring connection between you two. You can also mix in touch and breathwork with this. It will be very intimate and eventually you'll see your partner’s breath and body language begin to surrender and sync with yours. It will build more connection and comfort with your partner.

During sex: You can stop all movement during penetration and gaze into your partner’s eyes. If you want to mix in dominance, you can tell your partner they are not allowed to look away. If you want more dominance, you can lightly choke your partner and tell them how beautiful they are, while holding eye contact. That’s getting into the realm of Tantric Kink, something I’ll cover in another article.

2: Touch

The focus of tantric sex is to bring awareness to sensation, savoring pleasure, and elongating that until saititied. Your hands will be your most powerful tool. You will want to learn how to run them slowly, very slowly, across every inch of your partner’s body. Essentially you map every zone of your partner’s body, paying attention to their reactions as you do so, taking note of what is most pleasurable.

You'll want to learn different types of touch. Most people will associate these with the different elements (water, fire, air, earth, ether) but that's just labels to describe them. 

• Water is fluid motion across the body
• Fire is scratching, rubbing, and spanking which create heat in the body
• Air is when you run your fingers so close to their skin but not actually touching
• Earth are holding and compressing
• Ether is getting into energy work 

Best way to learn these is by taking massage courses and practicing. What's key here is you are slowing everything down way more than you think. Think you are going slow enough? Go slower. 

I'll most often do a variety of touches in my BDSM play. For example, I might spank her a lot, get a lot of heat and blood to her cheeks, then slowly run my fingers across them so she can feel every inch of her ass. Another example is before eating a girl out, I might hover my mouth above her clit so she can feel the heat of my breath and then make her beg for me to lick her.

3: Breath

Your breath and your arousal levels are linked to one another. There are a ton of different breathing techniques, but you really only need two: one to increase arousal and one to decrease arousal. 

I mentioned earlier about using breathwork during your eye gazing session before sex. During this time you are teaching your partner to follow your breath. I often teach my partners the command "Breathe" which means I want them to take a deep breath in, follow my breath, and together we will calm down. 

Then when I'm having sex with her, and I can tell she is getting overly excited, maybe about to orgasm, I will stop and tell her to breathe. Why? Because I'm helping her to "ride the wave", basically building her up over and over again, going from a 6 to 9 to 7 to 9 to 8 to 9 and finally letting her hit an 11 on the arousal scale. If done correctly, she will orgasm and continue to orgasm a bunch with all of them mixing together.

You can also use your breath to get you and your partner more aroused. Next time you have sex, pay attention to how you breathe when you're about to cum. It will be similar to what's known as tumo breathing or breath of fire: short, rapid, shallow. What I like to do sometimes before sex is sit in Yab Yum position with her, foreheads touching, and breathe of fire. It's a simulation of intercourse without actually having intercourse. It will raise her arousal level, especially if she was low energy when she walked through the door.

Gaining awareness of your breath will also allow you to learn to move that arousal through your body so it doesn't feel so concentrated in your genitals. You will want to learn to breathe deep into your pelvic floor. When you orgasm or ejaculate your pelvic floor constricts and becomes tight. So by breathing into it you will be able to loosen it and last longer.

Tantric Practices for Couples

Far from an exhaustive list, here are some basic practices (with videos) to explore using the 3 elements:

Eye Gazing

• Eye gazing
• Yab-Yum

Touch

• 3 Minute game
• Elemental touches
• Genital and body Worship - please refer to the courses below, YT is not friend for this
• Yoni & Lingam massage - please refer to the courses below, YT is not friend for this

Breath

• Meditation
• Heart to Heart Breathing
• Fire Breathing (arouse) vs Extended exhales (relax)
• Microcosmic orbit 

Recommended Resources

Disclosure: the links below are affiliate links. However, I have personally taken each of these courses and can attest they are high quality. As an educator in my vanilla life, I wouldn’t recommend them if I did not believe so. So help me, help you, and use my link if you decide to take a course.

Beducated is a great platform with netflix style selection of sexual education courses. But not like the crappy sex ed you took in high school. These courses actually show real demonstrations of the techniques and concepts so you can easily learn them.

Beducated courses on Tantra:

• Tantric Kink with Luna Agneya
• Ejaculation Mastery with Eyal Matsliah
• Yoni Massage with Mariah Freya
• Sensual Vulva Massage with Jaya Shivani
• Sacred Sex with Aida Lucie

There are also tons of other courses on there not specifically labeled as Tantra, but they discuss the skills I listed above like touch or massage.

If you're at all interested in the culture and spirituality behind Tantra, because sex is only just a sliver of the beliefs and practices, "Tantra Illuminated" by Christopher D. Wallis is an excellent read.

Tantric Sex and Personal Growth

Tantra allows you to experience sex as a sacred act that fosters spiritual development. As you embark on this journey, remember that Tantra is as much about self-awareness and personal growth as it is about connecting with a partner. By slowing down, being present, and exploring the rich tapestry of sensations and emotions, you open the door to a more fulfilling and enriched intimate life. Whether you are drawn to the spiritual dimensions or simply seeking to deepen your connection and pleasure with your partner, Tantra offers a path that is still relevant today.