What is a Good Submissive: 7 Essential Behaviors for Submissives

Want to know the behaviors that make good submissives? These are the essential behaviors every aspiring submissive should know.

Following the post on What is a Good Dominant?

Let’s discuss the flip side. Generally, a submissive is a person who willingly consents to relinquish control, authority, and decision-making to their Dominant partner. Submissives take on the role of being obedient, compliant, and responsive to the wishes and desires of their Dominant within the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship.

A bottom is someone who has the skills to receive acts from another person. But again, being submissive is the why and the intention behind those acts.

“Wait. Submissives need skills too?”

Being submissive is not a passive role. You don’t just let things happen to you. Receiving is a skillful act. Both sides of the slash must contribute and actively participate to make it a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience.

So what makes a good submissive? This article is all about the essential behaviors for submissives.

Essential Behaviors for Submissives

1. Service: Supporting the Vision

A submissive’s primary responsibility is to serve themselves & the Dominant.

“Wait just one minute… didn’t you say that was the Dom’s job?”

You’re right, but the way a submissive serves is different. While the Dom is leading the dynamic, focused on the desires of both people, the sub is supporting the dynamic in ways that are needed to achieve those desires. If the Dom is the captain, the submissive is first mate.

Whether one scene or an entire dynamic, leading is a lot of work. The sub is there to help the Dom in any way they need in order to reach the vision they agreed upon. The Dom can’t do it on their own. In fact, they don't exist without the submissive. Leaders need followers.

By being that person, the gifts that submissives offer to Dominants in the exchange are:

• Service & support, helping sexually, emotionally, or physically
• Giving the opportunity to practice leadership, bringing joy and purpose to the Dominant
• Nourishing the masculine energy of the Dom with the playfulness and beauty of the feminine.

Doms need their subs to trust their leadership, and not undermine their efforts. Rather, they need the support of the submissive. If the Dom holds the vision, the sub needs to know the details so they can help. If the Dom is overwhelmed by the complexity of taking responsibility, the sub needs to be there to help hold the weight.

2. Respect: Trust & Obedience

Trust is a cornerstone of any BDSM dynamic, especially for submissives. This will most likely be the hardest act for the submissive, relinquishing control and trusting the other partner, even though it’s what they want most. You’re going to have to take a step of faith that they will guide you to where you want to go. Even in the best negotiation, vetting, and trust building, you will still have to take a step of faith that they truly have the best intentions. A submissive trusts their Dominant to respect their limits, keep them safe, and act responsibly within the agreed-upon boundaries.

Because the Dominant has taken on the responsibility for the dynamic, holding the best interests of each person at heart, submissives signal trust by showing respect to their Dominant partner, acknowledging their role and authority. They treat their Dominant with honor and courtesy, even during intense BDSM scenes, and value their partner's guidance and decisions. Submissives show respect not just because Dominant’s hold the power, but because Dominants hold the responsibility.

Trust includes obeying the rules and direction set by the Dominant. These rules are in place for a reason. If the Dom has done their job well, you’ll know why. You’ll be expected to follow them. You’re not just doing it because the Dom told you to. You’re doing it because it will serve the goals and vision for the dynamic.

Remember, we’re on the same team.

3. Chaos: Challenging Structure

As a submissive, chaos means challenging the rules, expectations, and structure ONLY when those rules are NOT helping either party reach the shared goals of the dynamic. When rules are serving the dynamic, then the submissive is expected to follow them. With both their obedience and disobedience, they stress test boundaries to improve them and keep the Dominant in check from falling into tyranny. Doing so requires courage to not just people please.

While 100% power exchange, Master/slave dynamics exist, I want my subs to practice submission with agency. I could only do 95/5 at most. Rules are only good as the goals they serve. If I’ve lost awareness of where we are headed, how our actions are affecting the dynamic, or what your needs and desires are, then I need you to challenge me. While I hold the vision, you experience the details. I need to hear your voice.

Note to brats: There is a difference between challenging your Dom to be playful or to improve the structure of the dynamic, and being blatantly disrespectful. Personally, the former is encouraged. The latter will not be tolerated.

4. Communication: Servicing Feedback

Communication is the bread and butter of a dynamic. Each side must be able to openly and honestly communicate their desires and boundaries. Even if the Dom has failed to facilitate a structured conversation, it’s important that the submissive actively stands up for their desires, values, and boundaries. This means active participation in the negotiation. Remember your agency. If the submissive is unable to do so, the Dominant may lead the dynamic astray.

Once a mutual vision and goals are set, it’s the subs responsibility to deliver feedback about how intentions are being received, if expectations can be met, and if the dynamic is truly serving both people. Let the Dominant know when they are fucking up. Express gratitude and appreciation when the Dominant is doing well. Yes, we like to know we’re good, too. I’m Dom and I still have a praise kink.

Feedback is not always words. If we’re in the middle of play, body language, moans, and cries of ecstasy are all feedback too. As much as possible, express to me how you are receiving my actions. If you’re enjoying it, and you let me know that, you’ll receive more. If you’re not enjoying it, and you let me know that, I can change my actions for something more enjoyable. If you’re quiet, no one gets to enjoy themselves.

5. Play: Servicing Pleasure

Dominance is a heady game. We can get lost in our own mind, not present in the moment. Through the power of demonstrating submissiveness, being playful, and servicing pleasure, the sub brings their Dom into the moment, to what is right in front of them. Again, being submissive is not a passive role. In fact, submissives hold a lot of influence over their Dominant and can use that to help lead the dynamic toward the shared goals.

Personally, I can be positively influenced by:

• Demonstrating you are a sexual being: increase the naughtiness, dressing provocatively, begging and worshiping, showing off your body, playfully initiating sexual acts
• Using verbal and non verbal sexual cues: dirty talk, voice tone, and putting yourself in physically submissive positions without command
• Serving without being asked: perform little tasks, ask what you can do to help

Dominants have taken the responsibility of the dynamic. Reward them. Show them why they are working so hard. Remind them of the beauty that exists in this world if they are willing to go through the toil and trouble to nourish it.

6. Learning: Servicing Growth

Part of my desire in our dynamic is that we both become better people because of it. Whether spending several months or one night together, I want to leave you just a little better than when I found you. I’m hoping at the end of our interaction you have learned something about yourself, a new pleasure, or a new skill. If I’ve given you an “assignment” it's because you have told me you want to be better in some way and I believe this will help you achieve your goals. I don’t give out tasks just for the sake of doing tasks. So take them seriously and do your best.

As a Dom, I’m going to keep growing and bettering myself. I expect you to do the same. A good submissive will be open to learning and growing within the dynamic. You are receptive to feedback and strive to improve your skills and understanding of the shared goals. In an effort to be a better submissive and service the Dom, a sub will also take the time to learn the preferences of the Dom and how to best support them, knowing that they are leading the dynamic.

7. Love: Serving with Intention

I have a very nuanced view of love, similar to the ancient Greeks who saw that love can be expressed in a multitude of ways. Your submission is a gift. You don’t give that because you were told to. You give it because you choose to. You choose to intentionally serve this person because they care for you and you care for them. Love is your intention. Even if it’s not the grand romantic love. Remember, we care enough to leave each other just a little better off than when we found each other.

These are lofty ideals.

They can be hard to hit. I don’t expect you to be perfect. Lord knows I’m not. Rather, if I’m going to take responsibility for you as Dom, put energy into you, I expect you to match that energy and strive towards these in our dynamic. In the process we’ll have a lot of messy fun along the way and build something great together.