What is a Good Dom: 7 Essential Behaviors for Dominants

Want to know the behaviors that make good dominants? These are the essential behaviors every aspiring dominant should know.

If you're anything like me, you were lost in the beginning when trying to learn what it meant to be a good Dominant.

Generally, a Dominant is the person who takes on the role of authority, control, and power over the submissive. The D/s dynamic involves consensual power exchange, where the Dominant exercises control and the submissive willingly surrenders control, all within agreed-upon boundaries and guidelines.

A Top is someone who has the skills to perform acts on another person. But a Dominant is the why and the intention behind those acts.

I think a good Top is someone who has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves about different aspects of BDSM to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.

But what makes a good Dominant? This article is all about the essential behaviors for dominants.

Essential Behaviors for Dominants

1. Leadership: Creating Vision

A Dominant’s primary responsibility is to serve themselves & the submissive.

"Gasp! you mean a Dom is serving? That’s heresy!"

Yes. A Dom’s job is primarily leadership, which requires understanding the goals & desires of each person, you and I, and creating a clear vision for how we achieve those. A Dom is in service of the dynamic: the mutual vision for the relationship.

It’s impossible to reach any goal, whether that’s the heights of pleasure or growing the relationship, without being clear about what that goal is and how to reach it. Someone’s going to have to steer the ship or you’re going to get lost.

By being that person, the gifts that Dominants offer to submissives in the exchange are:

• Mental freedom from the monotony, anxiety, burdens, and chaos of life that is required to steer the ship, whether in a scene or in the relationship.
• Giving the opportunity to help, bringing joy and purpose to the submissive, knowing that the Dom has their best interests at heart.
• A container for the submissive to sink into their feminine energy when they have been swimming in the headspace of a hyper masculine world.

If the Dom is just serving their desires, they are using the submissive like a tyrant. If the Dom is only serving the submissive’s desires, they are what a mentor of mine likes to call a “coin operated top”, robbing the sub of the gift and joy of serving the Dom. It’s a relationship.

You & I are on the same team.

2. Responsibility: Creating Trust

The line, “with great power comes great responsibility” holds true in D/s dynamics.

A responsible Dominant understands the power they hold and takes the well-being of their submissive seriously. The Dominant holds the responsibility of keeping the submissive and themselves accountable towards the shared goals, for making sure boundaries are respected, and actions are safe and consensual.

It’s only in trusting that the Dom is taking this responsibility is the submissive allowed to relax and give themselves over to the Dom. They provide a sense of security and guidance for their submissive, creating a safe space for them to relinquish control.

Important note for new Doms: When a submissive rejects your offer of dominance or revokes consent, they believe you're unable to take them to their goals or do not have their best interest in mind. In short, they don’t trust you. That’s ok. Maybe your goals don’t align or maybe you need to go level up. Either way you have gotten some good feedback. Now take the responsibility to improve yourself.

3. Order: Creating Structure

As a Dominant, order means building a container with rules, expectations, and structure that will help the submissive to reach the shared goals. They uphold the established rules and boundaries and provide stability and predictability for their submissive.

Reaching any goal takes consistent behaviors. Structure allows for those behaviors to occur easily. Despite my wild appearance and rebellious nature, I’m almost militant in the structure I’ve set to reach my goals and have respect for rules, so long as they are not arbitrary. Everything from waking up at 4:30 in the morning, 7 days a week to never having any drugs or alcohol.

“Does that mean no fun? Because that does not sound very fun…”

Of course not. Depends on your goal. If the Dom and sub have a mutual goal of getting the sub to the point of orgasming just from giving fellatio (personal favorite of mine), then a rule might be that every time the sub self pleasures, they have to imagine giving fellatio. They might practice repeatedly giving the sub an orgasm with a vibrator while giving fellatio. All of this is structured to reach the desired goal. And who said orgasms aren't fun?

Some goals will be aimed at developing the relationship or helping each grow in some way, which may be difficult, so the Dominant helps set proper incentives and consequences with rewards and punishment to encourage the submissive. Rewards acknowledge good behavior towards our goals. Punishments modify behavior that is poor for helping us reach our goals.

4. Communication: Creating Clarity

Communication is the bread and butter of a dynamic. Each side must be able to openly and honestly communicate their desires and boundaries. Dominant’s can help to facilitate communication by offering structure to a conversation & negotiation, knowing what key items should be addressed and then allowing the submissive room to express those.

A Dom confidently states what they desire, what they value, and what their boundaries are. They help the submissive to express theirs and listen without judgment. Then with both sets of goals in mind, creates a vision for where the dynamic is going.

Once a vision and goals are set, it’s the Dom’s responsibility to continue communicating as clearly as possible intentions, expectations, and what the dynamic is trying to achieve. When using rewards and punishments, a Dom clearly states why the reward or punishment is being delivered so the submissive knows which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.

A Dom continues to keep open lines of communication as both people are evolving with desires and boundaries often changing as the dynamic continues. As such, a Dom always seeks feedback from the submissive.

5. Awareness: Creating Presence

Although there are some bad eggs out there, I believe a lot of consent violations happen due to a simple lack of awareness.

A simple example: a submissive says yes to impact play in order to please the Dom, and does not want to say yellow or red when things are getting too intense because they want to be a “good submissive”. When the Dom swats the sub and their body flinches, it's a good signal to the Dom you might want to check-in to see if the impact play is becoming too much. The sub is verbally saying yes, but their body may be saying no. If the Dom continues, the sub may regret the interaction later.

Without being aware of the situation, the Dom is unlikely to catch this situation. Awareness means the Dom is present in the moment, not stuck in their own head. They are in tune with what is happening in both their body and the subs. With this awareness, they can see when a sub is really enjoying themselves, and lean into that, or when the sub may be nervous or in their own head, and the Dom can invite them to sink back into their sensations and breath.

Although not practiced in BDSM circles as much, I believe the practices from Tantra focusing on breath and sensations are incredibly helpful for building awareness.

6. Educating: Creating Growth

As a Dominant, educating means helping the submissive learn the skills and knowledge necessary to reach the shared goals. Educating or mentoring does not have to be a part of a Dom’s responsibility, but it definitely is for me. This may look like showing you something new or helping you work through unfamiliar emotions that arose during play.

Part of my desire in our dynamic is that we both become better people because of it. Whether spending several months or one night together, I want to leave you just a little better than when I found you. I’m hoping at the end of our interaction you have learned something about yourself, a new pleasure, or a new skill.

This will mean experimenting, challenging you as submissive to step out of your comfort zone, and exploring every aspect of yourself, even the sides you may find dark or too taboo, so you may integrate them fully.

7. Love: Creating Intention

I have a very nuanced view of love, similar to the ancient Greeks who saw that love can be expressed in a multitude of ways. As a Dom, it’s not about what you do to your sub, but why and how you do it. In kink, there is a difference between abuse and play. That difference comes down to intention. Are you doing the act because you love the person? If so, you're going to care about boundaries, how it will affect them, and how you can do it better. I believe these acts should ultimately come from a place of love, rather than to hate or hurt that person. Even a heavy swat on the ass can be done with the intention of love.

Now humility…

I fall short on these. I’m only human. However, In my life, Dominance is not just a role I step into, but instead a set of traits I strive to live in all areas of my life. How you see me show up in the scene is how you’ll see me show up everywhere else. Although styles of Dominance can differ, these are the traits I strive to practice and you can expect from me if we’re in a dynamic.