BDSM Rewards for Submissives

Has your submissive been a good girl? Need a way to encourage and appreciate her for her efforts? Learn about BDSM rewards for submissives including the 5 principles of rewards, the different systems and levels of rewards, and different types of rewards with examples.

Previously, I discussed administering punishments to submissives to correct their behavior when they fail to adhere to the rules set by the Dominant. However, effective discipline is not just about punishment—it’s also about rewarding a submissive for behaviors you want to encourage.

If punishment motivates a submissive to move away from pain, rewards motivate them to move toward pleasure. Both play essential roles in effective discipline.

Rewards serve as positive reinforcement, acknowledging and appreciating the submissive’s efforts. Many newer Dominants instinctively resort to punishment while overlooking an even more powerful tool: reward.

What Are Rewards?

In a D/s dynamic, a reward is a method of reinforcing a submissive’s behavior when they excel at following the mutually agreed-upon rules established by the Dominant. When a submissive follows a rule—and especially when they go above and beyond in their service—the Dominant uses a reward, often something the submissive truly enjoys, to encourage positive behavior, strengthen obedience, and boost confidence.

Why Reward a Submissive?

Establishing a system of rewards taps into the brain’s natural dopamine response, which keeps us motivated in pursuit of beneficial goals. This process exists to reinforce behaviors that increase survival—just as learning a more effective way to hunt triggers dopamine release to encourage that behavior.

In the context of a D/s relationship, we can leverage this natural mechanism to reinforce desired behaviors. By repeatedly rewarding these behaviors, we strengthen the connection between the submissive’s actions and the pleasurable treatment they receive.

While punishment and pain often receive more attention for their dramatic impact, positive reinforcement and rewards are typically more effective in submissive training due to their connection to dopamine release.

Beyond reinforcing a code of conduct that includes values, responsibilities, protocols, rituals, and rules, rewards offer additional benefits to the submissive, such as:

• Feeling appreciated
• Feeling cherished
• Feeling valued
• Increased confidence
• Greater inspiration

Take good care of your submissive, and they will take even better care of you.

How to Reward a Submissive

First, we will explore the core principles of rewarding a submissive. Then, we will discuss different levels of rewards based on achievement. Finally, we will provide examples of various rewards that can be incorporated into a D/s dynamic.

5 Principles of Reward

1. Balance Internal Motivation vs. External Motivation

A submissive finds joy and fulfillment in serving or surrendering to their Dominant. Seeing their Dom happy makes them happy. There are even specific ways in which they serve or surrender that they enjoy more than others. These feelings drive internal motivation, requiring little to no coaxing for the submissive to perform these acts.

At the same time, there are acts a submissive may be willing to do to fulfill the Dominant’s needs or desires, even if they do not particularly enjoy them. These acts may require higher levels of external motivation to properly incentivize the submissive.

To better understand your submissive’s motivations, consider asking them:

On a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being least and 10 being most), how much pleasure do you receive from:

• Being of service to me and performing tasks?
• Providing sexual service to me?
• Performing domestic service?
• Experiencing my Dominance through force?
• Having me control your life and give attention to it?

Your role as the Dom is to listen, learn, and discover what motivates your submissive. For example, if they thrive on acts of service, rewarding them may be as simple as offering verbal praise or allowing them to serve you in more intimate ways. On the other hand, if they are drawn to your control and Dominance, they may prefer rough play, spanking, or other physical affirmations as a reward. Some submissives may even break minor rules intentionally to experience your control through punishment.

2. The Reward Must Be Something They Want

For a reward to be an effective incentive, it must be something the submissive genuinely desires. Every person is different, so rewards should be individualized. While a list of potential rewards is provided below, the best approach is to ask your submissive directly.

Consider these areas when discussing potential rewards:

• Immediate thoughts that come to mind when asked about rewards
• Phrases they love hearing
• Sexual or play activities they enjoy
• General activities they find pleasurable
• Ways they like to relax and practice self-care
• Gifts they enjoy receiving

Encourage your submissive to freely suggest anything with the understanding that, as the Dom, you will decide which rewards to use.

3. The Reward Must Be Given Enthusiastically

Your submissive works hard to earn your approval and attention. When they perform an act of service or surrender, they seek your positive facial expressions, body language, and tone of appreciation. Seeing their Dominant light up with joy from something they’ve done can be a reward in itself.

Conversely, nothing is more demoralizing than having their hard work, thoughtfulness, and submission brushed off. Even if a reward is given, if it lacks a sense of pride and appreciation, it will lose its meaning.

Show genuine enthusiasm when rewarding your submissive. Let them see and feel your appreciation.

4. Let Your Submissive Know the Rewards in Advance

Just as we do with punishments, a submissive should know the potential rewards they can earn. When they understand the incentives, they are more likely to put effort into their submission—especially for tasks that are less enjoyable for them.

For the Dominant, this also prevents the frustration of offering a surprise reward that the submissive does not actually want, ensuring both partners are satisfied.

5. Explain Why They Are Being Rewarded

Before giving a reward, remind your submissive exactly why they are receiving it. Unlike punishments—where the submissive explains why they are being disciplined—it is more powerful for the Dominant to explain the reason behind a reward. This reinforces that you care about both the rules and their behavior, while also showing appreciation.

When rewarding your submissive, remind them:

• What behavior you are encouraging
• How that behavior supports the goals of your dynamic
• How proud you are of them
• Why you are giving this specific reward

This approach makes the reward more meaningful and directly ties it to the behaviors you want to encourage.

Timing of Rewards

Whether correcting or encouraging behavior, rewards are most effective when delivered promptly. The longer the delay, the weaker the association between the positive behavior and the reward. However, research on dopamine reveals that rewards are even more effective when given randomly and intermittently rather than every time a behavior is performed correctly. These two principles help create different strategies for timing rewards.

Immediate Rewards

When first training a submissive on new rules and behaviors, it’s essential to reward them immediately and consistently each time they perform correctly. These repeated action → reward cycles condition the submissive, reinforcing the dopamine pathways necessary for the behavior to become ingrained.

However, over time, predictable rewards lose their effectiveness. If a submissive expects praise every time, phrases like “good girl” may lose their potency. Likewise, certain tangible rewards—such as treats—can reach a point of satiation where receiving them too frequently turns them into a negative.

Thus, immediate reward systems are best suited for short-term behavior establishment. Once the behavior is ingrained, transitioning to long-term strategies becomes necessary.

Random Intermittent Rewards

Random Intermittent Reward—also known as Variable Ratio Reinforcement in Applied Behavior Analysis—is a psychological principle that enhances motivation by introducing an element of unpredictability. Anticipation of a possible reward generates a stronger dopamine response than a guaranteed one. This is the same mechanism that makes gambling, social media, and mobile games (especially loot boxes) so addictive.

You can apply this principle in training by occasionally withholding a reward after correct behavior, keeping your submissive alert and eager to earn your approval. For example, instead of saying “good girl” every time, use it sporadically to maintain its impact.

However, this strategy should not be used for all rewards. If a submissive puts in a significant amount of effort and does not receive an expected reward, it may lead to frustration or resentment. Additionally, submissives thrive on consistency, so excessive randomness can cause confusion and anxiety.

Point Systems

A point-based reward system assigns values to acts of service, allowing the submissive to accumulate points and redeem them for rewards. This system is commonly used in video games and sales incentive programs to boost motivation.

Each completed task or correct behavior earns points, which can then be exchanged for rewards of varying value. This method creates micro-goals (earning points) that contribute to larger goals (redeeming rewards). The Dominant's role is to ensure that the effort required to earn points aligns with the value of the rewards offered.

Point systems are particularly effective for large rewards, as they provide clear goals, trackable progress, and a direct correlation between sustained effort and gratification. Apps like Obedience make setting up and tracking points easy.

Levels of Rewards

Having tiered rewards helps manage expectations. If all behaviors receive the same level of reward, it creates the false impression that everything carries equal importance—which is rarely the case. The general rule is to use the smallest reward necessary to encourage a behavior. This is why distinguishing between different reward levels is crucial.

One method is to rate rewards on a scale from 1 to 10, assigning values based on the effort required. Another approach categorizes rewards into three tiers: praise, small rewards, and large rewards.

Praise

Praise is the simplest yet one of the most powerful rewards. Everyone appreciates acknowledgement for their efforts, and submissives are no exception. Hearing their Dominant praise their skills, dedication, or obedience can be a tremendous emotional boost.

Praise is the first level of reward, given for minor acts of service and obedience. Think of it as the equivalent of small Hershey’s kisses leading to the chocolate factory—it keeps the submissive motivated along the journey.

When establishing a new behavior, praise should be frequent. Once the behavior becomes ingrained, transitioning to random intermittent praise makes it more effective.

Small Rewards

Small rewards should correspond to small achievements, such as completing a task or consistently following a rule for a set period (e.g., a week). These rewards act as periodic reinforcements, keeping motivation high and reminding the submissive that their efforts are valued.

Small rewards can be given randomly or as part of a point system to maintain excitement and anticipation.

Large Rewards

Large rewards are reserved for significant accomplishments, such as mastering an advanced skill or completing extensive training. These rewards symbolize deep appreciation and recognition, marking major milestones in the submissive’s journey.

Unlike small rewards, large rewards should never be given randomly. Instead, they should have clear, defined steps for attainment, ensuring the submissive understands the level of dedication required. A point system can be particularly useful in tracking progress toward these larger rewards.

Types of Rewards

Verbal Rewards

A Dominant’s first tool in training a submissive, verbal rewards provide immediate reinforcement for behaviors you want to encourage.

Examples:

• Calling her a “good girl”
• Expressing how proud you are of her
• Acknowledging her effort and praising a job well done

Showcase Rewards

Just as a parent proudly displays a child's Student of the Month award, a Dominant can show appreciation for their submissive’s exemplary behavior through public admiration.

Examples:

• Publicly praising her behavior or accomplishments
• Taking boudoir or erotic photos to celebrate her beauty
• Buying special outfits or gear to highlight her presentation

Sexual Rewards

Sexual rewards indulge the submissive’s pleasure by allowing gratification, engaging in her favorite acts, or fulfilling specific desires.

Examples:

• Granting permission to orgasm
• Creating a scene centered around her favorite kinks or play
• Allowing her to pleasure her Dom in the way she most enjoys

Activity Rewards

Not all rewards need to be sexual. Activity-based rewards allow a submissive to indulge in enjoyable experiences, often fostering quality time together.

Examples:

• Taking her to her favorite restaurant
• Playing a favorite board or video game together
• Planning a trip or special outing

Material Rewards

Material gifts serve as tangible acknowledgments of a submissive’s effort. These can relate to specific aspects of your dynamic, such as high-quality gear, or be general tokens of appreciation.

Examples:

• A favorite food treat
• A new sex toy
• Stylish new outfits

Promotion Rewards

Promotions signify a submissive’s growth and dedication, granting privileges or expanding their role within the dynamic.

Examples:

• Gifting a new collar as a symbol of commitment
• Allowing her to serve in new, meaningful ways
• Granting the Dom increased control over an area of her life
• Removing previously earned punishments as a reward for improvement

Special Care Rewards

When a submissive has gone above and beyond their regular duties and expected service, spoiling them can help to remind them that their effort has not gone unnoticed and is a beautiful reward for obedient service.

Examples:

• Granting a day or time off from service
• Treating her to a spa day or indulgent self-care experience
• A once-a-year role-reversal, where the Dom serves the submissive to gain perspective and appreciation for her role

Final Considerations in Choosing Rewards

Be mindful that repeated use of an activity as either a reward or punishment can shape how it is perceived over time. If a particular action is only associated with earning approval, it may lose its inherent enjoyment. This can influence behaviors beyond your dynamic, making previously pleasurable activities feel like obligations rather than natural desires.