Men's Guide to Dominant Sex in the Bedroom

Want to have more dominant sex? Has your partner asked you to be more dominant in the bedroom? Or maybe it excites, but you have no idea where to start or how to develop your sexual dominance? Then this guide is for you.

Why She’s Begging for you to be a Dominant Man in the Bedroom

Whenever you want something in life, you don’t actually want the thing, but rather the feeling that thing is going to evoke in you. For example, you buy a nice watch because you think it’s going to make you feel important, respected, attractive, or loved.

Well, women are the same way when they desire you to be Dominant. They don’t necessarily care about the actions you’re doing, but rather how those actions make them feel.

So, what is it that she wants to feel in the bedroom?

‍She wants to feel:

• Free: She doesn’t have to worry. She doesn’t have to be on alert. She can relax and let you take care of everything. All she has to do is have fun, enjoy herself, and do as she’s told. No stress of planning, of being prepared, of worrying what will come next. She’s free from the hassles of everyday life. You will take care of it.
• Safe: She wants to know you have the capacity to be dangerous, to be a threat, but can control and deliberately exude that without actually causing her harm. She wants to know you will take care of her and keep her safe.
• Desired: Being ravished by you makes her feel wanted. To be “owned” means that someone wants you. That someone values you. That someone likes having you around.
• Important: She feels satisfaction as well, in pleasing you and accomplishing her tasks correctly and earning praise. 
• Appreciated: In a world where people are quick to criticize and judge, to see the worst in others, it can be deeply satisfying to have someone truly mean it when he says you are a good girl.
• Accepted: When she sees you pursue your desires unabashedly, she can release and pursue hers without judgment. She wants to be the sex crazed nympho for you and not be shamed for doing so.
• Loved: Someone has taken the time to learn about her, her desires, her boundaries, what brings her pleasure, and hitting all the other emotions above. All of these are going to make her feel cared for and ultimately loved.

On the flip side, to have another person trust you so completely that she willingly, gleefully surrenders to your will is deeply satisfying. To have someone who knows you, knows the good and the bad inside of you, and still wants to be yours, is also freeing in its way. It makes you feel loved as well. It also makes you feel both powerful and humbled, with the magnitude of trust placed upon you and the duty to honor that trust.

I think ultimately, both dominance and submission are different ways to achieve the same goal. To feel wanted, to feel valued, to feel loved.

Roadmap to Having Dominant Sex

Previously we discussed the mindsets & behaviors behind Dominance and submission, and I’d recommend reading those first. Those articles will answer what D/s is about. What we’ll cover here are some of the practical actions you can take inside the bedroom that will evoke the feelings we outlined above.

This outline is not meant to serve as an exhaustive list of all the skills you need to learn as a Dom or definitive of where a sexual act ranks, rather it will give you a rough idea of what acts you can do and how much dominance you will be exuding by doing so. From there, find some of your favorites and learn to master them. It’s better to have a few techniques you’re really good at first, then building on to your repertoire. 

Also, don’t assume that someone who does “Extreme Dominance” is better than someone who does “Low Dominance”. A lot of submissive women will be happy receiving low to moderate for most of their sex life. In fact, it’s pretty rare for me to ever enter into high or extreme territory. Usually that will require a lot of trust and connection built between you two, a skill threshold to perform the acts safely and confidently (so it’s not cringey and actually has the effect you want), and the woman is more kinky than the average.

Disclaimer: As always, make sure you’re actually having conversations with your partners about what they like, don’t like, and boundaries and limits are. Don’t be a cowboy and just start exerting higher dominance without finding out if she’s comfortable exploring those things.

Universals

Let’s first start with the universals. In my experience, these tend to be enjoyed by a majority of women; however there are always exceptions. To each their own. I’d suggest learning these first and getting proficient at them.

Example Universal Acts:

• Sex 101 (kissing, clitoral stimulation, g spot stimulation, cunnilingus, basic sex positions)
• Dirty talk - praise, observations
• Spanking
• Hair pulling
• Being manhandled, tossed around between sex positions
• Scratching without drawing blood
• Nibbling (not biting or leaving marks)
• Using hands to hold wrists above head
• Using body weight to pin to bed or restrain
• Using hands to hold down hip bones
• Being moved around by the hips
• Teasing or deliberate slow touch
• Doggystyle
• Hugging/ Holding from behind
• Moving her hand on your dick

Low Dominance

These acts are going to be some of the run of the mill Dominance stuff to do in the bedroom. They require a little more skill, maybe a few props you can pick up at any sex store, but are pretty easy to add to your repertoire. Focus at this level is just adding a bit of spice to acts you’re already doing during sex.

Example Low Dominance Acts:

• Dirty talk - commands, fantasy
• A-spot, O-spot stimulation
• Blindfolds
• Vibrator
• Hand resting around throat, no squeezing
• Making her beg for your cock
• Throwing on bed
• Biting without leaving marks
• Biting inside of thighs, traps, sides of stomach, hip bone
• Grabbing her neck from behind to move her
• Squeeze tits
• Making her beg to cum
• Slap her pussy with your dick
• Making her squirt
• Introducing anal with butt plug or finger
• Bondage cuffs
• Collar and leash
• Cumming on her body
• Cumming in her mouth
• Using toys
• Honorifics
• Roleplay

Medium Dominance

Here’s where you start to separate yourself from other Doms. You are starting to get more intense and taking more control. Focus at this level is to make her feel the power differential physically and psychologically. Sexual acts are becoming slightly more taboo, require more skill, and more demanding of her to be submissive.

Example Moderate Dominance Acts:

• Dirty talk - ownership
• Rough sex
• Make her suck your fingers after fingering
• Spit on her pussy 
• Spit in her mouth
• Making her clean cum off with mouth
• Nipple pinching/ biting
• Choking
• Anal sex
• Smothering head into bed during doggy
• Mouth gag with panties or ball gag
• Spreader bar
• Impact play without leaving marks
• Orgasm control, denial, & edging
• Rules, punishment/ rewards
• Public play

High Dominance

As you reach higher levels of Dominance, you are pushing the envelope on taboos, exerting control, and need more skill to do so. These acts will require more trust and connection with her. Unless they are her favorite kink or fetish, they will be done sparingly due to their intensity.

Example High Dominance Acts:

• Dirty talk - degradation
• Face fucking
• Rope Bondage
• Slapping her face
• Foot on head during doggy
• Leaving marks from impact play, biting, ect
• Sadism/ Torture
• Cumming on face
• Breeding
• Behavior control & modification

Extreme Dominance

Now you enter in the space of making her know without a shadow of a doubt who is in charge. This can be demonstrated through further control or power exchange, or through acts of degradation, humiliation, or objectification. These acts may require lots of skill and more aftercare because of their effect on both of your psychologies.

Example Extreme Dominance Acts:

• Master/slave dynamic or Total Power Exchange
• Free use
• CNC 
• Humiliation
• Degradation
• Edge Play

How to Perform Dominant Sex Acts

Now here’s the secret to Dominance: how you do it is more important than what you do.

Two Doms can perform the exact same action, but the effect they will have on the submissive will be different. So even if you got technically proficient at the acts above, you still need to master some principles about delivering them in order to make those acts evoke the emotions she is looking for.

Principle 1: Deliver with competence & confidence 

You know the saying, “fake it till you make it”? Yeah, this is NOT one of the domains where that saying applies. Let’s set aside the nontrivial fact that you could hurt her or yourself by doing some of these acts. The only way she is going to feel safe enough to submit to you in general is if you actually know what you are doing. What’s worse is delivering one of these acts in a timid, shy, or weak way because she is not going to feel your power, the entire point of the power exchange.

Now you may be thinking, “Brandon, I’ve never done this before? How the hell am I supposed to be confident?!”

Practice and exposure.

To gain competence, learn the techniques from mentors, workshops, videos, or courses. Then practice them over and over again. I flogged a pillow probably a hundred times before ever flogging a woman. Some of the techniques will require her to be there to practice. So, either turn it into a fun game and gain her support in helping you practice, or have it be a regular act you do every time you have sex so you have ample opportunity to practice.

To gain confidence, you need to use the technique on a woman and be exposed to owning your desires and seeing her reactions. The more times you perform the act, the easier it will become, and the more you will want to do it. You need it to become second nature to you, and almost be able to predict what her reaction will be from it because you’ve seen the same reaction a dozen times.

When you start being Dominant, it’s going to probably feel weird if you’re not naturally that way. Everyone, myself included, goes through the shaky hands and weak verbal commands on their way to being more Dominant. You’re going to be bad at it in the beginning and that’s ok. Own it and be honest with her that you're just starting to learn. I promise she’ll be nice and probably just excited to try things out. The worst thing you can do is lie about how great of a Dom you are and not deliver. 

Principle 2: Sequencing

It’s not only important what acts you choose to do, but which order you put them in. Although there is a time and place for a fast and intense quickie, most of the time you are not going from 0 to 100 right off the bat. 

Think of sex more like a symphony, where each act plays its part, slowly building over time, reaching its crescendo, and coming back down to baseline leaving its listener pleased and satiated. 

This in fact, is what the orgasm cycle looks like.

This cycle serves as a good model for how we can start sequencing our acts in order to create a satisfying experience for the both of us. Chief at Kinky Events UK model for this, which breaks down into four phases:

• Lead in: To prepare her mentally for what is to come (Excitement)
• Ramp up: To deepen her mental state and prepare her physically (Plateau) 
• Release: To reach the climax of your scene (Orgasm)
• Relax: To bring her down and help her recover (Resolution)

I recommend his book Sensational Scenes to see examples of acts for each phase and how to put together a full scene. Point is, consider which acts are going to increase her desire and get her excited, which acts help her to stay aroused as she builds towards orgasm, which acts will tip her over the edge, and which ones are meant to bring her back down to earth. Of course you can make her have more than one orgasm, in which case the cycle continues.

My advice is to start from low dominance and move towards extremes as the scene progresses. Doing so will be of benefit to the both of you. For her, it helps her get familiar with your dominance, sink into the submissive headspace, and warms her body up for more intense forms of dominance. For you, it helps you get familiar with her body and how she’ll respond to your dominant acts, allows you to gain more confidence as the scene progresses, and makes sure you have plenty of acts to keep doing during the session.

Additionally, every act has a mild to wild spectrum. For example, bending her over the bed in your bedroom to give her a few spanks might be mild for spanking. While taking her into a changing room in public, telling her to hike up her dress, remove her panties, and bending her over your knee to spank her, might be a little more wild. So here, I recommend starting low and mild, and moving towards extreme and wild. 

Principle 3: Keeping Tension

By definition and their inherent nature, Dominance and submission are opposites and polarize each other, meaning for every dominant act, there is an equal and opposite submissive reaction. You exude more Dominance, you receive more submission. 

If you think about D/s like a bungee cord, the more dominant you are, the more tension you will create. What does this feel like? It’s like that warm, exciting, and slightly uncomfortable feeling you get when holding eye contact with someone for a long period of time. Your job during the scene is to hold that tension.

Taking the analogy further, if you exude low Dominance, then the bungee cord has very little tension. It’s not all that exciting to her. However, if you redline it and just go to the extreme all the time, the bungee cord is stretched to its max capacity, it starts to get uncomfortable and fray, and could possibly break. There is a sweet spot where the bungee cord has the most optimal tension, where things are fun & exciting, but neither boring or overwhelming. 

Your job is to monitor this tension and either exude more Dominance, or release tension to get back into that sweet spot. To release tension you either use an act that will relieve her, such as a kiss, hug, or orgasm, or use tools from Tantra, which by definition is meant to bring you closer and unionize you. 

A skillful lover will be able to build and release tension over and over again. To beat this analogy into the ground, it would be like going bungee jumping, where the bungee cord is allowed to go to its extreme, brought back to rest, and then stretched out again. The juxtaposition between the two extremes, feeling very polarized and then very unionized, over and over, will allow her to feel a variety of emotions, both high and low. That sounds pretty damn exciting, doesn’t it? 

Recommend Resources:

• Kinky Events UK
• Sensation Scenes by Chief
• Sexual Dominance Escalation by Stirling Cooper
• Dirty Talk 101 by Stirling Cooper
• 7 Days of Domination with Lola Jean & Shayla Lange
• Lola Jean Courses
• Courses on rough sex & BDSM by Danarama at Kink University