A Pleasure Dom is Not What You Think It Is

What is a Pleasure Dom, really? If you think being a Pleasure Dom is just about giving orgasms, you're mistaken. This article will reveal to you what a Pleasure Dom is, their psychology, 9 sexy tools to use as a Pleasure Dom, how to be submissive for one, and an example scene for you to try.

In the last few years a new label for Dominants has arisen in the BDSM scene known as a Pleasure Dom.

For some veterans in the BDSM scene, the label seems superfluous, being nothing more than vanilla with a little extra, or just some iterations on being a Soft Dom, Service Top, or Sensual Dom. While that may hold validity for some using the term Pleasure Dom, I think others are missing the mark on how much Dominance can actually play into being a Pleasure Dom and it’s not just about delivering a ton of orgasms or focusing solely on the submissive’s pleasure.

For those new to the BDSM scene, it can be a gateway into this kinky world, particularly if they are adverse to being sadistic, disciplining, degrading, or some of the kinky actions in edge play. I know the first time I was ever aware of BDSM, I too had the misconception that it was all about aggression, abuse, and hurting people, and doing what seemed like outlandish things at the time. Of course, I was totally misconstrued on what I thought BDSM was, and even what those extreme acts were about.

I don't really care for labels. I think they paint individuals into neat little boxes when in fact they are messy with a plethora of likes and dislikes. However, I see the utility in using them to express to a potential partner quickly what turns you on. I mostly just call myself a Dom because that’s the most prominent part of my sexuality, but I try to not use the differentiating labels of Daddy, Master, Rigger, Primal, or Pleasure Dom, because at times I embody all the others. WIth that said, I do often say that I lean more pleasure focused than pain focused (doesn't mean I never use pain or engage in sadism). For that reason, the activities of a Pleasure Dom were more appealing to me when I started out, though I didn’t have that term for it when I started.

What is a Pleasure Dom?

First, let’s define a Dom. A Dom (or Dominant) is the person who takes on the role of authority, control, and power over the submissive.  

Of course, being a Dom entails so much more than that including being a leader which requires understanding the goals & desires of each person and creating a clear vision for how to achieve those goals. A Dom is in service of the dynamic: the mutual vision for the relationship. The goals could be as simple as both of you reaching the heights of ecstasy, or as complex as leading both of your lives. In pursuit of that, the Dom will be responsible for creating structure, providing safety, building trust, allowing play and pleasure, and caring for the submissive.

But if we boil it down: A Dom uses control to facilitate reaching the goals and desires of both the Dom and submissive.

So control is the tool by which he uses to reach the mutually consented goal. Rather than think of each of the types of Doms as siloed identities, think of them more as toolbelts, different ways of enacting control over the submissive.

As a Dom, you get to choose what tools you want to use. An effective Dom will use whatever tools are better equipped to help them reach their goals. Rather than define all the different types of Doms, let me just point out the main tool each one uses.

The main tools of different types of Dominants are:

• Sadists: Pain
• Master: Obedience
• Disciplinarian or Brat Tamer: Discipline
• Rigger: Rope
• Primal: Animalistic desire
• Daddy: Guidance
• Caregiver: Care/protection
• Sensual: Sensation

Of course this is overly reductionistic, but it’s done so to illustrate the point that a Pleasure Dom’s main tool of control is pleasure.

Being a Pleasure Dom isn’t just about delivering pleasure or chasing endless orgasms. It’s about taking control of the timing and intensity of pleasure, about being the ultimate authority of the submissive’s pleasure for when and how it will happen, and directing the submissive’s emotional landscape through shame, joy, satisfaction or even frustration. It’s this exchange of power, the witnessing of their reactions, the controlling, that a Pleasure Dom finds deeply intimate.

Is it really Dominance if they are never being served by the submissive?

Who says that the Dom isn’t being served or pleasured in the process? Just because they focus a lot of their attention on the submissive’s pleasure does not mean they are not getting theirs, too, whether that be physically or emotionally.

Pleasure Doms get to use their consenting submissive as a play toy, doing whatever they’d like to the submissive. It just so happens that the Pleasure Dom wants to unravel them from a human being into a desperate, feral, blissed out, unthinking puddle of overstimulated nerve endings, which can be an intoxicating power trip for the Dom that is much more meaningful than than just orgasm. 

Now you might be wondering if the Dom gets to cum or orgasm. It depends. Does the Dom want to cum? Sometimes they don't need to be touched or want to cum. Other times they have moments where they are so wound up they want nothing more than to release the pent up energy because their submissive’s reactions are sending them into chemical overdrive. Again, the Dom is in control of if the submissive gets to pleasure him.

Are you starting to see that being Dominant is not about the actions, whether those be pain or pleasure focused, but rather about how they are controlling and exerting control with those actions?

Psychology of a Pleasure Dom

Why would someone want to be a Pleasure Dom? As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, whenever someone wants something, they actually want the way that something will make them feel.

So what does a Pleasure Dom want to feel? Power & desire.

As the Pleasure Dom is turning the submissive into a puddle of goo, possibly even helping her reach subspace, he knows that he is the ultimate arbiter and sole source of her pleasure in that moment. They have the ultimate power. They know that as they make the submissive’s pleasure more intense, the sub’s desire gets exponentially turned up until they become like a heroin addict who needs their next fix. The Dom has complete control over them.

In fact, sometimes the very idea that the Pleasure Dom still has enough control over their own faculties after turning a person into the aforementioned puddle of goo to not jump them is part of the power cocktail. It’s like saying, "Look, I can entirely and utterly ruin you, and I'm perfectly fine."

Of course, there are some qualities that may create a predilection towards being a Pleasure Dom including being givers, compassion, and having a high degree of empathy and emotional intelligence to understand and respond to their partner’s needs, though I would argue those are requirements of any good Dom, not just a Pleasure Dom. 

9 Tools for Being a Pleasure Dom

Now that we know being a Pleasure Dom is more about choosing a set of tools to use rather than an identity, let’s discuss some of the most popular tools at the Pleasure Dom’s disposal.

Tool 1: Indulging Your Sub’s Kinks & Fantasies

What’s the quickest way to give someone pleasure? Probably doing what turns them on! As a Pleasure Dom, find out what your submissive’s fantasies are and create scenarios to live out those fantasies. Help her to discover what turns her on and then use different communication tools to express those desires. Then you’ll have a full arsenal of kinky acts you can put together into a scene and give her an unforgettable experience.

Tool 2: Orgasm Control

You have control of the submissive’s body and you dictate when she’s allowed to orgasm. Her pleasure and ultimate relief from the sensations are in your control.

Orgasm control can come in a variety of forms including:

• Permission: Make her ask permission every time she wishes to orgasm. 
• Begging: If you want to intensify her desire and further show your authority, you can make her beg to cum. I often say “I can’t hear you” or “louder!” to force her to beg more explicitly. 
• Denial: If you’re feeling a bit sadistic or cheeky, you can deny her orgasm, not allowing her relief from the pleasurable sensations until you say.
• Forcing: You force your consenting submissive to have an orgasm even when they don’t necessarily want to. Remember, you’re in control, you dictate when and where.
• Rules: There are lots of rules you can set up around orgasms. One of my favorites is to have my submissive masturbate several times in the 48 hours preceding coming to see me but she is not allowed to orgasm during that time. 
• Chasity: You can have her wear a chasity belt, reserving her orgasms only for you. Some chasity belts include a plug or dildo that is inserted inside her while she wears the belt. 

Being a Pleasure Dom is not just about getting your submissive to orgasm. It’s orchestrating exactly how that orgasm will happen by your will.

Tool 3: Edging

Edging is when you build your submissive’s arousal close to orgasm but then stop or slow down pleasure before they cum, leaving them aroused and eager for release. If you continue this process of building them to the edge of orgasm and letting them come back down multiple times, they will be aching to cum and when they finally do, it can be one of the most intense orgasms they have ever felt. If you continue to pleasure them during and after the orgasm, it can result in multiple, blended orgasms where they feel like they are having one giant orgasm for an extended period of time.

Tool 4: Teasing and slowing down

Similar to edging, teasing means you slow down the entire encounter together where her body is constantly begging to be touched and aching for more pleasure. Think of it as one step forward, two steps back. 

A great example of this is when you go to give her cunnilingus, instead of going straight for her pussy, kiss and nibble her inner thighs or bite and give a few slaps to her inner thigh. As you move from each thigh to the other, lightly breathe across her clit, letting your warm breath give it sensation. Do this long enough and she’ll either push herself towards your mouth or start begging you to lick her. But go at your own pace, you’re in control, remember? She’s just along for the ride.

Tool 5: Sensation Play

Take the time to learn how to play your submissive’s body like an instrument. Find out what areas and what sensations not only feel good, but send electric pulses of pleasure throughout their entire body. While stimulating her clit may be obvious, a firm hand on the back of the neck, or slight scraping of the teeth on the nipple, may send more shivers down her spine than she can handle.

Your hands, mouth, and body are not the only ways to touch her either. You can use almost anything to run across her skin: ice, wax, feathers, Wartenberg wheels, claw, floggers, fur, silk, or pretty much any household item. Intensify the sensations by blindfolding her and mixing between sensations, keeping her on edge about what sensation will come next.

Tool 6: Spanking

Spanking is not just about causing pain. Depending on the intensity and impact toy used, light forms of impact play can be very pleasurable. 

One reason that this is true is due to the extra blood that enters the area when engaging in spanking. All that blood is going to engorge her erogenous zones including her vagina, intensify even the lightest of sensations, and make every touch feel more powerful. 

Another reason is that if you hit the sweet spot, the crease point where the bottom of her buttcheek and thigh meet and slightly inwards toward her groin, you can send those spankings as pulsations throughout the rest of her pelvic area. This means you are indirectly stimulating her pussy.

If that’s not enough, spanking also can start tapping into fantasies and roleplays, which will use one of her most powerful pleasure inducing organs: her brain.

If you keep spanking her long enough, you can start releasing a hormone cocktail of adrenaline, cortisol, endorphins, oxytocin, & dopamine which can make it likely that you’ll send her like a rocketship into subspace.

So yeah, a little pain can be quite pleasurable.

Tool 7: Toys

Seriously, what Pleasure Dom doesn’t own a magic wand? You know, the giant, powerful vibrator you can basically just place right on her vulva without much effort and send her into shockwaves of pleasure. 

Of course there are plenty of other toys that can be used: dildos, plugs, various types of vibrators, and many more. Don’t be afraid to use them (no it doesn’t make you any less of a man). One of my personal favorites is a bluetooth vibrator that can be placed inside her. I can have her wear it while we’re in public, making sure to keep her in an aroused state for later, or use it during play, say as I focus on touching her elsewhere or while she is pleasing me!

Tool 8: Tantric Sex

Using the 3 pillars of Tantic sex - eye gazing, touch, and breath - you can create extremely intimate scenes that help her gain full body awareness and intensify every single sensation. She will be so attuned to the feeling of your touch, that even the lightest of finger touches could send her over the edge. 

You can also use the different elemental touches:

• Water is fluid motion across the body
• Fire is scratching, rubbing, and spanking which create heat in the body
• Air is when you run your fingers so close to their skin but not actually touching
• Earth are holding and compressing
• Ether is getting into energy work

If you’re feeling particularly generous, you can also give her a full body and Yoni massage, which first focuses on massaging every part of her body, slowly and fully, and then working your way to massaging every tender inch of her vulva and vagina.

Tool 9: Overstimulation

Overstimulation is when you arouse your partner to orgasm, but rather than stopping stimulation to allow them relief and to come down from their climax, you continue to stimulate them, often forcing them to have dozens upon dozens of subsequent orgasms. 

The body, and especially the clitoris, can be extremely sensitive during and after orgasm, so continuing to give sensation during this time can be pleasurable, painful, or even numbing, depending on the person. So be aware of your intent and how your submissive is receiving it.

When to use the tools of a Pleasure Dom

Have you ever heard the analogy of a hammer looking for a nail? It illustrates that some tools are better equipped than others for particular situations. You don’t use a hammer for everything. Similarly, using the tools of a Pleasure Dom may be more powerful in particular situations.

When it’s effective to be a Pleasure Dom:

• Pain adverse: Your submissive is very adverse to pain, but still wants to experience power exchange and submitting to a Dom
• Self Value: Sometimes it can be hard for the submissive to allow time to be focused on her. Some submissives (not all), submit from a place of insecurity, where they inherently feel they are less worthy of receiving pleasure or attention. When you start giving them more pleasure than you are receiving as the Dom, it can bring up shame or guilt. You can use these tools to help them experience that it’s ok and they are valuable.
• Experience pleasure: Seems self evident you’d use these tools to help someone experience pleasure more. However, some submissive’s are not very attuned to their body, their pleasure, and sometimes think they are unable to orgasm. For those people, helping them to gain conscious awareness of sensations in their body, finding pleasure in those sensations, and finally getting to orgasm, can be a transformative experience. 
• Reaching subspace: Although pain is often touted as the widely accepted route to subspace, using immense pleasure (and even a combination of the two) can be just as effective. Using tools like edging and overstimulation, there is a high likelihood of reaching subspace.

Keep in mind that there will be some occasions where being a Pleasure Dom will be the entirely wrong tool set to use, and you may need to pivot to using the tools of another style of Dominance (if you want to, of course). 

How to be a Submissive for a Pleasure Dom

I’ve said it before, being submissive is not a passive role. There are skills and behaviors that must be learned just like the Dominant role. I covered that largely in the How to Be a Submissive guide. When playing with a Pleasure Dom, there are two skills that will be very important.

Own your pleasure

First, learn to work through the shame for your desires and be open to your pleasure. This may mean spending some time alone with your pleasure first, doing exercises like sensate focus, which will allow you to become attuned to your own pleasure.

To perform sensate focus, you’ll begin with designating roughly 30 minutes to an hour of uninterrupted time, two to three times a week, to practice these steps on your own.

Solo Sensate Focus Practice:

• Stage 1 - Non-Genital Sensual Touch: Engage in self-exploration of your body with only your hands and fingers while avoiding your genitals.
• Stage 2 - Sensual Touch (Including Genitals): Continue to explore the pleasurable areas identified in stage one. At this stage, you may include the exploration of the genitals, but continue to avoid stimulating for the goal of orgasm. 
• Stage 3 - Adding Lotion & Lubricant: Adding lotion and lubricant can increase friction and sensation, making the experience more pleasurable. Altering the medium of touch is intended to enhance sensory awareness.
• Stage 4 - Full Sensual Stimulation: In the final stage, you are allowed to stimulate more for orgasm. However, this should be sensual stimulation where you are slowing down and mindfully continue noticing the sensations and emotions that occur. 

Express yourself 

As a Pleasure Dom, we want to see how our control over you affects you. The number one thing you can do to please us and be of service to us: give genuine reactions.

Don’t be quiet, shy, or reserved about how this pleasure is driving you wild. We want to see the lust seeping from your eyes and the bellows of passion escaping your mouth as we make you body quake. 

Imagine it's a mirror, and all your energy is being bounced back to the Dom.

You're happy <-> They're happy. Infinite loop.

So if you've giving off false vibes (and that's perfectly ok if you're not in the mood! Safeword, try another day!) That's going to feed back to them and it's going to be a bad time for you both.

Again, this can be practiced on your own first. During your self pleasure time, or when practicing sensate focus, try being more vocal and expressive about your pleasure. Moan, gasp, cry, laugh, and even try dirty talking to yourself.

Read: A Complete Guide to Dirty Talk for Subs

The more you practice, the easier and more comfortable you will be when playing with your Dom. As you start expressing yourself, you’ll see just how much it turns your Dom on.

Example Scene for being a Pleasure Dom

Here’s an example of a simple scene that was developed using the 3 Pillars to Structure the Perfect BDSM Scene.

As you read the scene, after every action you’ll see an intention symbol for that action:

• Pl = Pleasure
• Pr = Pressure
• Pa = Pain
• Pc = Pacify

You can read the guide on crafting scenes to better understand how to use intentions and the psychological effect it will have on your submissive.

Note: Before the scene, have a conversation with your partner about what fantasies they have or kinks they really like or want to try. Completing a sex menu is a fantastic way to find these out, in addition to boundaries and limits. You can weave these into scenes to enhance the experience and intensify the pleasure. I may pick one or two to include in the scene somewhere, just so we’re not entirely overwhelmed by introducing too many new things at once. For this scene, bondage was used. 

Pleasure Maximization Scene

Goal: Give maximum amount of arousal and pleasure for one or more orgasms while introducing her to new kinky elements

Energy: Playful, pleasurable

Lead in: Kissing/ Touching

• Start kissing (Pl), putting hand behind head and pulling her in (Pr)
• As kisses increase, breathing becomes heavier, maybe she's quietly moaning, begin pulling hair or nibbling her neck (Pr)
• Start with taking her top and bra off and kissing up and down her torso (Pl), occasionally biting or scratching (Pa), putting your thigh resting on her pelvis for her to grind (Pr)
• Have her take your top off and then take her bottoms off, kissing up and down her legs (Pl), braising the inside of her thighs and over her underwear (Pl) turning her around to give her a few ramp up spanks (start light and finish with medium intensity spank) (Pa)
• Move back up to kissing her while pinning wrists down or holding above her head, rest thigh on her pelvis to grind (Pr)
• Return to kissing up and down body (Pl), occasionally biting or scratching (Pa) teasing her through her underwear (Pl), biting and pulling on them but not taking them off (Pr)
• Finally pull off her underwear (Pr)

Ramp up: Multiple Orgasms

• Remember what kink she wanted to try or really turns her on. Insert it in the appropriate act. 
• Act 1: Manual Stimulation
  • Stand her up & blindfold her from behind, pressing your pelvis in her ass (Pr)
  • Run your hands up and down body, squeezing breasts, biting neck (Pr)
  • Bend her over for a few ramped up spanks (Pa), occasionally touching and rubbing her pussy in between (Pl)
  • Turn her around and put restraints on wrists (Pr)
  • Walk her over to door, lightly slam her against it, and secure restraints to door (Pr)
  • Kiss and bite neck, rubbing hand between her legs (Pl)
  • Command her to spread her legs (Pr)  and use the magic wand (Pl)
  • Command her to beg for more pleasure as you start and stop the vibrator (Pr), continue until orgasm (Pl)
• Act 2: Fellatio
  • Release the restraints from the door and restrain her hands behind her back (Pr)
  • Bend her over and put a vibrator in pussy that she must hold in during fellatio (Pl) 
  • Tell her she must ask permission to cum while the vibrator is inside her (Pr)
  • Command her on her knees and to beg for your cock (Pr)
  • Alternate between her controlling movement and you taking control of movement, sprinkling in lots scalp massaging, hair rubbing, praise and kisses (Pl)
• Act 3: Cunnilingus
  • Command her on the bed, or pick her up and throw her on the bed (P)
  • Use restraints on her wrists and tie them over her head to the bed frame (P)
  • Slowly tease her body with your touch as you move from the top of her body to her pussy, spending extra time and attention to each part of her (Pl)
  • Kiss, nibble, rub, scratch, roll her over and spank her, and manhandle her body around into whatever position you’d like (Pr) 
  • Kiss up and down her body, moving between her legs, kissing her thighs, and lightly grazing he pussy with your lips (Pl)
  • Tease her longer and make her beg to lick her pussy (Pr)
  • Do one long puppy dog lick from top to bottom of her pussy (Pl)
  • Finally engage in licking her clit (Pl)
  • Start and stop several times, making her beg to continue each time (Pr)
  • When giving oral, run hands up and down body, (Pl) squeezing breasts and pinching her nipples (Pa)
  • Use your fingers to stimulate her g spot while stimulating her clit with your mouth (Pl) 
  • As she starts bucking her hips, wrap arms around legs, use your hands to hold her hips down while squeezing her legs with biceps and forearms (Pr)
  • Continue oral until orgasm (Pl) 
• Act 4: Intercourse
  • Note: Your goal is to start with more teasing and grinding techniques before using thrusting in order to make you last longer and stimulate her more, potentially having more orgasms. Use delay techniques like PC muscle squeezing to stay 5-7/10 arousal. As you reach 8+/10, change positions, allowing for a moment of reprieve. Keep cycling positions until you’re satisfied. Remember we have already made her orgasm or she is extremely close at this point. 
  • Since her hands are tied to the bed, start in missionary and place a pillow under her hips to elevate them and get better access to her pussy.
  • Start by teasing her with your cock, rubbing on her clit and lips, but not inserting. (Pl)  Make her beg for your cock. (Pr)
  • Insert just the head and tease her more. (Pl)  Make her beg. (Pr)
  • Insert another inch and do shallow thrusts.(Pl)  Make her beg for more. (Pr)
  • Continue with each inch, shallow thrusting for a minute or so at that level. (Pl)  Continue to make her beg. (Pr)
  • Finally push deep inside her, pushing your pelvis as much as you can against her. Kiss her deeply and do not thrust, just hold briefly. (Pl) 
  • Now command her to spread her pussy lips (Pr) as you push yourself upwards and rest the weight of your pelvis on her clit. (Pl) 
  • Move your pelvis up and down, not in and out. You can place your hands on her shoulders for more leverage. (Pl) 
  • Transition: When you’re getting to 8+/10 arousal level, stop and switch positions. If you need to extend time to come down, spend time kissing her and groping body, spanking, biting, or manually stimulating her as you get into the new position.
  • Next move to cowgirl. Have her sit up and grind her pelvis on your cock, stimulating her clit (Pl) 
  • Praise her, play with her breasts, scratch her back, pull her hair.  (Pr)
  • Bring her down for a kiss, wrap your arms around her or place them under her ass. (Pr)
  • Thrust your cock inside her, alternating between shallow and deep, slow and fast. (Pl) 
  • Transition: When you’re getting to 8+/10 arousal level, stop and switch positions. If you need to extend time to come down, spend time kissing her and groping body, spanking, biting, or manually stimulating her as you get into the new position.
  • Next move to doggy. You can tease her more and make her beg for cock before inserting (Pr).
  • Thrust your cock inside her, alternating between shallow and deep, slow and fast. (Pl)
  • If thrusting is too much stimulation, push her into the bed with her lying face down to grind or shallow thrust instead. (Pr)
  • To increase intensity, spank her, scratch her, or pull her hair (Pr) To increase pleasure command her to use a bullet vibrator on her clit or use a finger or butt plug to stimulate her asshole during intercourse (Pl).

Release: Synchronized orgasms

• Up until now, she has either had a lot of orgasms, or is very very close. You have also been edging yourself as you switched positions. So it is more likely that you two can synchronize your orgasms. It’s ok if you don’t, but it’s quite pleasurable if you do. Communication is key, so make her tell you when she's getting close to orgasm.
• You can finish in any position you’d like, but missionary is my favorite for being really close with the girl.
• Now’s the time to thrust very fast, hard, and rough. (Pr)‍
• Bring her legs on your shoulders and push deep inside her. (Pr) Or wrap an arm underneath her, grab her shoulder or fist of hair, and push her down on your cock while you thrust as deeply as possible. (Pr)‍
• Pull her hair, bite her neck (Pr), let yourself completely go. (Pl)

Relax: Embrace

• Let your weight fall on her as you deeply kiss. (Pa)
• Either keep yourself inside her and roll over to cuddle (Pa)
• Or deeply kiss her as you pull out (Pa)
• Both of you will probably be quite thirsty, so make sure to drink your water. (Pa)
• Continue the pleasurable sensations during cuddles by lightly running your fingers on her body and giving very light and slow scratches. (Pa)

Develop your Dominance

As you've learned, Dominance is really what sets apart a Pleasure Dom from your every day vanilla person who just wants a little extra spice to their bedroom escapades. The beautiful part about being a Dom is that it's a skill that can be learned and developed. I recommend starting with my guide on becoming a Dom and then working on skills like lasting longer during sex, incorporating dirty talk, and learning how to communicate with your partner about their turn ons and desires. Doing so will help you create scenes that will allow you to take your submissive to the heights of pleasure.