How to Fix a Sexually Incompatible Relationship

Struggling in a sexually incompatible relationship? Maybe your libidos are mismatched or you have different sex drives, desires, or relationship structures you wish to pursue. This article will give you three options for you can fix your sexual incompatibility and return to a thriving sex life.

What does sexually incompatible mean?

Sexual incompatibility is when two people have differing sexual needs and desires resulting in one or both people suffering from dissatisfaction. 

It is one of the problems that causes the most friction in long term relationships and compounds depending on how intertwined the relationship has become. If you’ve had a marriage, kids, and built a life together, ending a relationship over such a seemingly small thing feels wrong. However, you can not shake the fact that you have needs and desires not being met and now you have so many negative feelings around the whole thing. You love your partner, but how do you deal with this incompatibility?

Well before you get too doom and gloom, let’s find out if you really are incompatible and what your options might be.

Can you be sexually incompatible with someone?

Sexual incompatibility can show up in a few distinct ways that you may relate to. Here are some common ways that two people may be sexually incompatible.

Lack of attraction

Seems obvious, but if you’re not attracted to the other person, you’re not going to even get aroused, and would be sexually incompatible with them. Of course that is all fine and good when you’re dating around because you just wouldn’t date that person. 

However, what happens when your long term partner doesn’t put as much effort into their health or appearance as they once did? It’s not out of the question that you’d feel less aroused by them and not want to have sex with them as often.

Mismatched libidos or varying sex drives

What plagues most couples is often having sex drives that are different, particularly if one is rarely aroused or wanting to have sex, and the other wishes they could have sex everyday. This discrepancy in frequency can cause the lower sex drive person to feel overwhelmed and that they are not enough, while the higher sex drive person feels resentment and they are not desirable. It hurts for both sides, and as a result, when sex does occur, it’s done begrudgingly or the quality of sex is subpar to what it once was. 

Differing desires 

Depending on each partner’s erotic blueprint, the way that each partner wants to have sex and be intimate could be very different. For example, if one partner is more energetic and sensual in their intimacy, they may find a partner who is kinky and sexual as too much or overly sexual. On the flip side, the kinky and sexual partner may find the energetic and sensual partner too picky, slow, or boring. Neither are actually at fault here. They just have different ways they enjoy sex.

Differing lifestyles

If one partner has previously explored, or is interested in exploring, alternative lifestyles such as polyamory, swinging, BDSM, or Tantra, they may find it difficult to be in a relationship with partners who wish to have vanilla, monogamous relationships.

Are we sexually incompatible?

Before jumping to conclusions that you and your partner are sexually incompatible and there is nothing that can be done, you should first assess and reflect on your relationship and talk with your partner. 

Here some questions you can ask yourself and your partner:

• How frequent would you like to have sexual encounters?
• What would the ideal sexual encounter look like to you? Are you having those? If not, explain.
• Who initiates sex? Are you satisfied with it this way? If not, explain.
• What desires or things would you like to try with your partner? What is holding you back from trying them? Explain.
• Have you ever communicated your turn ons to your partner? If not, explain.
• Have you ever communicated your turn offs with your partner? If not, explain.
• What everyday life stressors may be keeping you from becoming aroused?
• What health issues may be keeping you from becoming aroused?

Sexually incompatible signs

When you’re in a sexually incompatible relationship, it hurts. Both of you can feel it, however, the signs show up differently for each partner. 

Here’s some common symptoms of being sexually incompatible:

• Feeling bitter
• Feeling resentful
• Creating covert contracts (maybe if I do x thing then my partner will have sex with me…)
• Getting back at them for not having sex with you
• Not feeling desired
• Feeling lonely
• Feeling overly needy everytime you initiate sex
• Feeling overwhelmed by the partner always initiating sex
• Feeling like you're not enough
• Feeling like something is wrong with you
• Exhibiting signs of the four horsemen in your relationship outside the bedroom

What to do when sexually incompatible

Let's not sugar coat this. Being sexually incompatible can be one of the biggest rifts in relationships that is largely unseen by others outside of the relationship. It hurts a lot. 

At the end of my marriage, our sex life had almost become non-existent. We had tried a few things to reconcile the sexual discrepancy; however, none of them were working out as we’d hoped. She had a lower drive than I, in addition to me at the time being unconfident in expressing my kinky desires. Despite always being a very sexual person, I became almost apathetic to sex because it felt better than feeling undesired. What was the most painful though was lying in bed next to her and feeling as if we were hundreds of miles apart. So I know how you feel right now. 

Eventually things worked out, probably not in the way you’re expecting, but before we get there, let’s discuss your options.

Option 1: Stay in the relationship and work it out

Being sexually incompatible does not have to be the end of the relationship. There is a lot you can do to work with each other as a team to find common ground in your sex life. Particularly if you have built a life with this other person and deeply love them, I’d recommend starting here first.

When both partners still have interest to solve this issue, a willingness to work together and compromise, and a strong connection between you two, a solution can be found. It will require 

learning about the other, communicating needs and desires, working together on discovering what’s missing, and being creative in designing their “compatibility.”

The big word here is compromise. Each partner is going to have to give a little and meet their partner where they are at, working together to find a solution that is beneficial to both.

Here’s some strategies to help you get started.

Communicate your desires

Ask for your needs to be met. Talk about it. Asking for sexual needs and desires to get met is more effective than complaining about the sexual aspect of your relationship. 

However, many sexually incompatible couples often have not even shared what it is that actually turns them. This will require vulnerability. Spend some time discovering what your desires are. If you understand what turns you on, you can choose activities that elicit the same feelings you receive from having intercourse and supplement your sex with these other fulfilling activities. Creating a sex menu can be one way to communicate a variety of activities from the sensual to the kinky.

Cultivate sensual intimacy

Having a discussion with your partner about what is considered sex between you two and redefining what is physical, sensual, and sexual, can expand the types of intimacy that can be fulfilling for you both. A place to start is experimenting with nongenital sensual ways of physically connecting without the pressure of intercourse or orgasm. This could be as simple as cuddling, kissing, or giving massages. It could also include exploring the world of kink and Tantra to deepen your intimacy and erotic landscape.

Navigate spontaneous vs responsive desires

For those with spontaneous desire, you may experience a craving to have sex at random or with very little sexual stimuli or context. Often high in the beginning of a relationship, spontaneous desire is what we see in the movies: two people exchange a heated glance across a room and then next they’re falling into each other’s arms, unable to even make it to the bedroom. But in long-term relationships, spontaneous desire often transitions to a responsive desire for one or both partners.

If you have a responsive desire, you may only want sex once the sexy stuff starts to occur. In other words, the desire is in response to physical pleasure or erotic context. This is a radical notion because, for most of us, if we don’t feel desire, then we’re not going to have sex. But if desire doesn’t come first in a responsive desire model, then you might never have sex. 

With responsive desire, what comes before desire is erotic stimulus (in the form of physical touch, psychological stimulation, and emotional connection), and what couples need most is the willingness to show up and generate some erotic stimulus together in the hope and understanding that it will lead to the emergence of desire.

Take the pressure off

For partners with mismatched libidos, the higher sex drive partner feels as if sex is never going to happen while the lower sex drive partner feels a lot of pressure to give in.

One strategy is to schedule sex. Even though scheduling sex may seem counterintuitive, a sex schedule reassures the high-drive partner that sex will occur. It also provides the lower drive partner reassurance that sex will only happen during the designated times. This tends to relieve the stress and tension of both partners.

It helps to find a frequency that works for both partners. For example if one partner likes to have sex once a month, and the other wants sex a few times a week, negotiate an average frequency such as once per week or 4x per month. Then schedule those times in.

Additionally, the partner with the higher sex drive can cultivate a steady masturbation practice to take the pressure off of the lower-drive partner.

Get help from a sex & relationship coach

When couples face sexual incompatibility, I emphasize giving each partner concrete skills to address the issue, including how to: manage their own emotions, effectively communicate, and collaboratively problem solve. In my experience, avoiding the issue only leads to the status quo at best, and more commonly passive aggression, open hostility, or distance. 

But many couples don’t know how to move things forward, especially when it comes to such a charged issue. Working with a coach or therapist can allow you both a safe space to explore your desires, communicate them effectively, and work towards a healthy, satisfying sex life.

Option 2: Fulfill your needs outside of the relationship

If you have built a life with your partner, there is no need for you to tear it all down. Personally, I believe that having one partner to fulfill all the needs we have and play every role is a tall order that’s hard to fulfill. Opening up your relationship and exploring alternative relationship structures can be a way to still keep your relationship and have your needs met elsewhere.

To be honest and ethical, opening up your relationship will require both partners to be willing and have many discussions about needs, emotions, boundaries, and what the structure may look like. Understanding and designing the ultimate relationship structure that works with your goals can be quite hard and confusing because it’s ideally about what you and your partner desire.

Here’s some alternative models you might consider:

• Polyamory:  having romantic love with more than one person
• Hierarchical polyamory: one partner is primary and takes priority over the relationships
• Throuple or triad: all partners are in a romantic and sexual relationship with each other
• Closed V: two people share a romantic and sexual connection with the third, but not to each other
• Monogamish: usually monogamous (as far as anyone else knows), but they make allowances for sexual occurrences with others to take place in certain circumstances
• Swinging: recreational sex with others but don’t necessarily pursue romantic relationships with them
• BDSM or D/s non-monogamy: either with or without a sexual component. It’s usually, but not always, because the other partner just doesn’t share the same kinks as their partner.

Of course, these are not your only options. Your relationship can look however you like, as long as it’s accepted by you and your partner (and anyone else you decide to include). If wrapping your head around designing a new relationship structure is difficult and overwhelming, you can work with a sex & relationship coach to help you untangle the mess and gain clarity on exactly what you want and how to implement it.

Option 3: You end the relationship

Although society may place a lot of stigma on wanting to end the relationship for sexual incompatibility, it’s not wrong and you shouldn’t be shamed. You have needs and you must tend to those needs. Sometimes, that might mean you must leave the relationship.

Here’s some signs that leaving the relationship may be your best option:

• Lack of willingness to compromise: relationships function on compromise. If either of you are tired or unwilling to work with the other person, you’ll never be able to find a solution you’re both happy about. Both partners must be willing to do the work.
• Too much heartache or resentment: sexual incompatibility can be an issue that has been brushed under the rug for years which can lead to a lot of resentment and hurt feelings. Sometimes it can be too much to bear. On the other hand, both of you may have been trying everything to make it work and are at wit’s end for talking, negotiating, or compromising. 
• Lifestyle differences: If either of you want to go in a new direction or try living a new lifestyle, including the type of relationship structures you want or the types of sex cultures you want to explore, and the other doesn’t, it causes a lot of tension. It can feel as if you are going two different directions in life that may be opposite and competing. It’s difficult to keep a relationship if you're not aligned and working towards the same goals. 

Just because the relationship ends, does not mean that you can’t still care, love, and be friends with that other person. One difference does not mean that the entire relationship was a mistake or disaster. Even couples who have spent a beautiful life together may find irreconcilable differences at some point, and that’s ok.

Personally, this is what happened with my ex-wife and I. I had reached a point where I was no longer willing to compromise, resentment had started creeping its way in, and there were lifestyle differences I wanted to start exploring. Before we dissolved into hating each other, I decided it would be best to end the relationship and get a divorce. Today, we are still great friends, occasionally check in on one another, speak highly of each other, and I have even shared some details about my time exploring the BDSM scene and non-monogamy. No reason to throw away a friendship with someone I have shared a rich history with.

Communication is key

Working through being sexually incompatible requires open, honest, quality communication between you two. Unfortunately, that can be hard to do on your own. Emotions are high and you feel like it’s a battle between you and your partner. Not both of you working together on the same team. If you have tried fixing this on your own and have not got the results you desire, I highly recommend working with an objective third party such as a sex & relationship coach or sex therapist. We can help you both understand your goals, have your thoughts and feelings be heard by each other and revitalize your ability to work together towards a solution you're both excited about. If that’s what you want. I hold no judgment about which option you choose. I’m only here to help you get the relationships and sex life you actually want.