Relationship Check In Questions for Dominant/Submissive Couples

Want a way to keep a regular pulse on your dynamic? With these relationship check in questions you'll be able to express gratitude, address problems, uncover needs and desires, and improve both sides of the slash so that you have a healthy, loving, and thriving dynamic.

What is a relationship check-in?

Long ago when I was previously married, I had heard an episode of the Tim Ferris podcast where he briefly mentioned he had started doing these relationship check in walks with his girlfriend at the time and I was immediately intrigued. 

Basically, a relationship check in is setting aside a time every week to gauge how each person was feeling about the state of the relationship. It was a time to reflect and improve the relationship by going through a specific set of questions each time.

Intuitively this made sense to me because too often couples never address problems in the relationship. They let things fester and never bring them up, either due to never making space to deeply talk or ignoring it entirely, hoping it will fix itself. That’s a recipe for bitterness and resentment, emotions that erode a relationship.

Although we ended up getting divorced, I credit doing relationship check ins for many years to be the reason we grew so much as a couple and can still be great friends after the divorce. There is no doubt that both of us were better people than when we started the relationship and we both look back on that time with great fondness and admiration.

Why relationship check ins are beneficial in D/s dynamics

A Dom/sub relationship is a relationship just like any other, except that the level of communication required to make them work is much greater due to the fact that one person has control over the other. 

As I’ve written about in how to become a Dom and the 7 essential behaviors of a good Dom, it’s essential for the Dominant to be seeking feedback about their leadership, how their submissive is experiencing the structure put in place, and what needs to be changed or continued within the dynamic. 

A relationship check in is a container in which the dynamic can be momentarily set aside, for power to be equal, and both sides to be able to speak up for their feelings and needs. Each person gets to be seen and heard, making sure their concerns are addressed.

What’s most important, is that this process is undertaken consistently, and by setting aside time every week, it helps guarantee that each person gets their concerns addressed. Problems are not allowed to balloon into something that will ultimately become overly emotionally charged and ruin the relationship.

A benefit that is not immediately seen until you undergo this process is that when a disagreement takes place during the week, and it is not the time or place to be discussing it at that moment, you have a guaranteed time it will be addressed in the future, often when emotions around the subject have died down some.

How to have a relationship check in

Step 1: Schedule a time once a week

Choose a consistent time each week to have your relationship check in. We used to have ours every Wednesday evening and set aside 2 hours. I’ve seen other couples who make an entire day of it. Choose whatever is appropriate for you. The only requirement is you keep it consistently scheduled in your calendar, or it’s likely to get put to the wayside in favor of something else you deem more “important”. 

Step 2: Get out of the house

I recommend having your relationship check in someplace away from home for two reasons. 

First, I like to keep the home a sanctuary, a place where we are safe and free to be ourselves, where the stress of the outside world is left at the door. Of course this doesn’t mean you’ll never have heavy discussions at home, but particularly on relationship check ins, a lot of emotion can be brought up. It’s mentally easier for you both to figuratively set those heavy emotions down in this secondary location and then come back together at home, in the space you’ve designed for you two to be together. If you have the check in at home, there is nowhere for you to recede in order to find comfort. As much as possible, I try to avoid any heavy discussions in the bedroom, as that is the most sacred of places and meant to be a place of fantasy, not reality.

Second, psychologically, we associate emotions with physical places. Your home has so many emotions associated with it that it can sometimes cloud the emotions and thoughts that you want to express in particular to concerns in your relationship. I find it’s best to find an emotionally neutral place to have the check in.

Go somewhere you can speak openly and won’t fear others overhearing your conversation or displaying too much emotion. We always used to go to large parks or new neighborhoods and walk around. Every once in a while we went to quiet coffee shops or lowly trafficked, public plazas. 

Step 3: Express appreciation & gratitude

I’m going to be really honest, I was really bad at doing this in my marriage. I’m a problem solver and someone who is constantly trying to improve themselves. So I used to seek out problems and what was going wrong more than what was going right. If it’s going well, it doesn’t need to be addressed, right? I was so naive. 

In longitudinal studies of couples conducted by the Gottman Institute, Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson observed that couples who stayed together long term observed a “magic ratio” of 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a happy couple has five (or more) positive interactions.

So before you start dragging out your laundry list of problems or criticisms, take a long hard look about what is going well and express gratitude for your partner in their role in making that possible. Hello, they are your partner for a reason, remind them why you chose them. Remind them the vision, values, and goals your relationship holds and why that is beautiful. 

It’s going to help them feel that despite what might be brought up in the check in, there are things they are doing right. That there is a solid foundation to build upon in this relationship. That there is something worth going through the emotional turmoil for.

If you want to see it from a selfish perspective, the more you express appreciation and gratitude for your partner's qualities and behaviors, the more likely you are to see those again in the future!

At the very least, you should aim to express as much gratitude and appreciation in quantity and magnitude as you’re about to express in problems that need addressing, but as Gottman has shown, ideally you express over and above!

Nowadays, I actively try to express my appreciation and gratitude to everyone, because it’s immensely important. I still fall short, but “Thank you. I appreciate you.” has become a regular part of my vocabulary and expressed often.

Step 4: Seek to understand, then be understood

During the check in, your job is not to argue or get defensive. It’s to truly understand what is taking place for the other person. Most likely a lot of emotion, asks for needs to be met, and criticisms will arise during the conversation. These are not attacks at you, even if you feel your nervous system being lit up like a christmas tree, they are opportunities for each of you to improve and show the other person how much you care. Never forget that you’re both on the same team. You both want the same goals: a healthy, loving, thriving dynamic.

With that spirit in mind, I always recommend seeking to understand your partner’s perspective first, before trying to be understood. Particularly if you are the Dominant in the relationship, your job is to lead and facilitate this conversation, so you should give your submissive ample space to speak fully and truthfully about how they are experiencing the dynamic.

After you ask a question, dig deeper to make sure you’re getting the full perspective. I recommend using the sentence stems from the Imago Dialogue Process to help you prompt to go further. 

Phrases to dig deeper:

• “Is there more about that?”
• “Is there more about that feeling of…“
• “Tell me more about…”
• “What does that look like for you?”

When your partner has fully expressed themselves, then you want to check that you understood what your partner said.

Phrases to check your understanding:

• “Let me see if I got it. You said x, y, z. Did I get it?”
• “I can see that you seem to be feeling… Is that what you’re feeling?”
• “You need/want/desire… Is that correct?”

When it comes time for you to express yourself, I recommend using nonviolent communication.

The benefits of doing so are:

• It separates objective observations about reality, feelings you're having about the situation, and needs going unfulfilled. 
• Keeps you from attacking and blaming the other person, which would put you into a victim frame, and requires you to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs.
• Allows you to speak both logically, by stating objective facts, and emotionally, by stating the feelings by themselves. You don’t conflate the two and make poor decisions. You also don’t disregard how the situation is making you feel.

Nonviolent communication has four components:

1. Observation: Observe the situation objectively without judging, evaluating, or interpreting it.
2. Feeling: Acknowledge and express how you feel about the situation, both positively and negatively.
3. Need: Identify the needs that are at the source of each feeling.
4. Request: Express your requests clearly, concretely, and positively to meet your needs. It is important to avoid making demands, as the other person may shut down.

Of course you’re not going to be perfect at this. No one is. I’m certainly not. The goal is that both of you feel seen, heard, and you’re able to come to a consensus about the relationship.

Step 5: Give direction

Here’s where a D/s dynamic is going to vary from a regular relationship. Some issues are going to need a decision made and course of action to be taken. In a D/s dynamic, the agreed upon person to be making those decisions is the Dominant of the relationship. 

As the Dom, give direct commands. You’re not asking permission. You can ask how this decision might affect your submissive and ways to help them through it, but you’re still making the decision. You’re taking leadership and have taken the time to gather all available information, right? You know what’s best. Do that and tell your submissive what is going to happen.

Step 6: Hug, kiss, and make up

Sort of the same philosophy as never going to bed angry, the idea is to end the check in by coming back together, even if the check in was heated for whatever reason. Especially if the check in was heated. You’re not enemies. The check in was to improve the relationship. So show a small token of that as a reminder.

Relationship Check In Questions

The structure and topics discussed during your check in will be different depending on what is important to your dynamic. For example, a close friend of mine and his wife always discuss finances together as part of their check in.

Here’s a list of potential questions for you and your partner to ask one another. By no means do you have to use all or any of these questions. They are here to help you discern what may be important for your dynamic. 

Example Relationship Check In Questions:

• What do you love most about our dynamic?
• What would you change about our dynamic?
• Are we happy with the structure, rule, rituals, and responsibilities of the dynamic?
• What would you like more of from me?
• What would you like less of from me?
• Is there anything I’ve stopped doing that you used to like?
• As a (Dom/sub) how could I show up better this week?
• As a Dom, how might I provide better structure for you?
• As a sub, what can I do to make your days better or easier?
• How do you feel about our communication?
• When do you feel the most loved and appreciated?
• Do you feel like we’re spending enough quality time together?
• Are their needs going unmet?
• What excites you most about our sex life?
• Are we happy with the frequency and quality of our sexual relationship?
• Is there anything that's been bothering you that we haven't talked about yet?
• Do we have any fresh wounds that still need help resolving and healing?
• What would you like to do or achieve together between now and our next check-in?

For more general relationship check in questions, I recommend perusing this article from thriving good life.