How to Stop Having Unfulfilling Situationships

Tired of unfulfilling situationships? Learn the simple (but sometimes hard to do) practice to build a more fulfilling relationship.

People are often afraid to express their needs and risk having them rejected.

This, I believe, is the real reason situationships continue to exist. It’s not a fear of commitment itself but a fear of committing to unspoken expectations—needs that were never explicitly stated, yet are now expected to be met. When individuals are not given the chance to exercise their agency in saying yes or no to fulfilling those needs, they feel trapped.

Let’s back up for a second.

What Is a Situationship?

A situationship occurs when two people engage in sexual and emotional intimacy in a compartmentalized way. They maintain an emotional connection in person, but when apart, they do not prioritize the relationship through time commitments, future planning, or consideration of each other’s needs in decision-making.

Anxiety often develops due to the lack of stability and consistency, especially when one partner begins to develop expectations that the other has not committed to fulfilling.

To alleviate this, some believe that the solution is to label the relationship, but I think that’s misdirected energy.

The Root of Relationship Anxiety

The anxiety in a situationship doesn’t stem from uncertainty about what to call the relationship. It comes from deeper concerns, such as:

• Needs you wish to potentially have fulfilled through this relationship which currently remain unfulfilled
• Whether the person can be relied upon to meet those needs now and in the future
• The fear that the person might refuse to fulfill those needs or leave entirely.

Instead of being vulnerable and directly asking for what we need, we often rely on labels to imply expectations. However, this places an unfair burden on our partners, who are suddenly expected to fulfill numerous unspoken needs simply because of a label.

Breaking Down Relationship Needs

Consider what you believe a boyfriend or girlfriend should do. Your list might include:

• Being sexually and emotionally exclusive
• Being introduced to family and friends
• Providing emotional support during hardship
• Spending multiple days a week together
• And many more assumptions…

Each of these is an individual need or desire. Instead of bundling them under a single label, they should be individually expressed and negotiated. When you ask someone to be your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," you’re implicitly asking them to commit to fulfilling an unknown number of needs. That can be overwhelming.

Instead, take the time to identify what you truly need from the relationship. Perhaps you have ten core needs. You can then ask your partner whether they are willing to fulfill each one. Their responses might be:

• “Yes” to six of them
• “Yes, under certain conditions” to two
• “No” to the remaining two

At this point, your partner will likely express their own needs, and you’ll have the same opportunity to choose what you’re willing to fulfill. If you refuse many of their needs, don’t be surprised if they are less willing to meet yours. But if you’re both willing to compromise, you’ll build a more fulfilling relationship—without needing a label (and dragging in all the unspoken expectations of what that should look like).

The Expectation of Monogamy

Let’s address the need that is the elephant in the room for many relationships: monogamy.

One of the biggest unspoken expectations tied to relationship labels is monogamy. In traditional relationships, becoming a boyfriend or girlfriend often implies exclusivity.

If monogamy is important to you, that’s completely valid—but it’s something you need to explicitly ask for. Your partner may not be ready for exclusivity, or they may never want it. At that point, you must decide whether you can continue the relationship without that need being met.

The same applies to open relationships. If you desire non-monogamy, you need to communicate that need. Your partner has the right to accept or decline, and you have the choice of how to proceed based on their response.

Ultimately, ambiguity about needs is what makes relationships unfulfilling—not the absence of a label.

“But, What Do We Call It?”

Labels serve a purpose: they convey information to others. However, relationship labels often carry more societal expectations than accurate representations of the actual relationship dynamics.

But you still have to navigate society, so what do you call this other person you’re seeing?

I prefer the term partner. 

The beauty of “partner” is its ambiguity. Whether someone is a once-in-a-while sexual companion or a long-term significant other, the term applies. When others hear it, they are more likely to ask, “What does that mean?” instead of assuming predefined expectations. This opens the door for you to describe your relationship on your terms, to the extent that you feel comfortable sharing.

The Need to Feel Special

This brings another elephant in the room: the need to feel special.

Particularly in non-monogamy, some people may want a label in order to make a distinction between them and other partners you may have, to feel unique and special. 

The need to feel special is entirely valid. However, rather than relying on a label, a more meaningful approach is to nurture each relationship individually by discussing and honoring its unique needs. A specific label doesn’t make a relationship more special—intentionality and communication do.

How to Build a More Fulfilling Relationship

If you find yourself in an unfulfilling situationship (or any relationship that doesn’t meet your needs), consider this approach:

1. Identify the specific needs you want to have fulfilled.
2. Ask your partner directly: “Would you be willing to… (insert need here)?”
3. If they say yes, express gratitude.
4. If they say no, negotiate, find alternative ways to meet that need, or determine whether it’s a dealbreaker.
5. If an unmet need is a dealbreaker, decide whether the relationship is worth continuing.

This process isn’t easy. It requires emotional vulnerability. But it’s far better than relying on a label to impose unspoken expectations.

Yes, this approach requires emotional maturity. That, too, may become a need you prioritize in your relationships.

This is—and always will be—the real work of relationships. Whether you’ve just started seeing someone or have been together for years, early conversations about needs and expectations set the foundation for a stronger, more fulfilling connection.