Building Trust in Dom/sub Relationship is a Two-Way Street

Explore the two sides of trust in Dom/Sub dynamics. Understand how to be trustworthy and how to trust your partner, creating a fulfilling and secure D/s relationship.

Trust is the bedrock of any Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. It’s what makes the dynamic work and helps it become fulfilling for both parties.

What’s troubling is the question of how to build trust because it’s often defined in vague terms. That’s entirely unhelpful when your potential partner looks at you and says, “I don’t trust you yet.” Furthermore, the way a Dominant must build trust in the eyes of a submissive is slightly different from how a submissive must build trust in the eyes of a Dominant.

We also tend to believe that the onus of responsibility is on the other person to demonstrate their trustworthiness before we can trust them. What you’ll learn today is that you also have a responsibility in trust-building by first taking a risk in trusting that other person.

What Is Trust?

Trust researcher Rachel Botsman defines trust as “a confident relationship with the unknown.”

We have trust when we feel safe enough to engage with something without being 100 percent certain of the outcome, leaving us vulnerable to potential harm. When we trust another person, we are making a declaration that we know they could hurt us, but we are confident they will act in good faith and do everything in their power to avoid that from happening.

Why Is Trust Important in D/s Relationships?

Dominant/submissive relationships carry an extra layer of vulnerability compared to their vanilla counterparts. BDSM practitioners engage in play that comes with a higher risk of physical, mental, and emotional harm if not approached with deliberate intention and care.

In order for us to feel safe enough to engage (and enjoy), we have to trust our partners. Trust is what allows us to fully engage in our respective roles in the dynamic. If the submissive does not trust the Dom, she’ll never fully surrender. If the Dom does not trust the submissive, he won’t invest his time or energy into the relationship.

How to Build Trust in D/s relationships

Trust-building has two sides: being trustworthy and trusting.

Both sides require active effort. Let’s first explore what it means to be trustworthy.

Being Trustworthy

Rachel Botsman describes four key ingredients we use to decide whether or not to give someone our trust, which are incredibly applicable to D/s dynamics.

The four ingredients of trustworthiness are:

• Competency: The ability to do something successfully or effectively.
• Reliability: The ability to consistently deliver the same outcomes over time.
• Empathy: The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
• Integrity: The quality of being honest and living by principles.

For both Doms and submissives, these four ingredients are important. However, how they are demonstrated to the other side of the slash is slightly different.

How to Be a Trustworthy Dom

When a woman submits to you, she is putting herself in an incredibly vulnerable position. Whether you have control over her body or parts of her life, you could easily destroy her mentally, emotionally, or physically if you wanted to. That is terrifying for a woman.

To put yourself in her shoes for a moment—how vulnerable and anxious do you feel when an entity, like the government, holds significant power over your life and could destroy you at any moment if it really wanted to?

When she says she doesn’t trust you yet, she needs you to demonstrate the four ingredients of trustworthiness so she’s not so scared. She needs to feel safe around you.

Here’s how to build your trustworthiness as a Dom:

Competency

• Technical skills: For a submissive to trust you in certain types of kink play, she needs to know you have the ability to perform them safely so she doesn’t get hurt and can enjoy the experience. This is why many rope bottoms watch a rope top tie a few times before letting the rope top tie them.
• Decision-making: If the submissive is going to give over control of her life to some degree, she needs to know you can make effective decisions that lead to positive outcomes.

Reliability

• Consistency: Be consistent in demonstrating your competence, making her feel safe, and showing up regularly. If you’re creating structure for the dynamic, be consistent in upholding the rules and rituals.
• Dependability: When your submissive needs support in any capacity—especially if harm was inadvertently caused—be there for her.

Empathy

• Respect boundaries: Particularly early in the relationship, submissives need to know that when they say no or stop, you’ll stop. A mistake I see guys make is trying to push a simple boundary, like wearing a condom, early on. Even if they get what they want at that moment, they’ve ruined trust for the long term and will never be able to expand into areas that require more trust. You may have won the battle, but you lost the war, young one.
• Vulnerability, transparency, and openness: Being transparent about your intentions shows you’re not trying to manipulate. When you are open about yourself and your desires—even though they may be rejected—you are making yourself vulnerable, which levels the playing field and breeds trust.
• Don’t judge her: One of our greatest fears as humans is being abandoned. In kink, many fear being judged for their desires—being called a weirdo, gross, or a slut. If you judge your submissive for her desires, especially early on when she shares mild ones, you’ll never get to experience her deepest fantasies.
• Attend to her needs: Dominance is not just about gaining control—it’s about taking on responsibility. If she has given you control of her, it’s now your responsibility to tend to her needs and care for her safety. Find out what her needs are and prioritize them.

Integrity

• Only speak truth: You can’t lie about what you truly want or value. Your words and actions need to be grounded in reality. The more aligned you are with reality, the more true your words and actions will be.
• Do what you say: If you say you’re going to do something—big or small—and you actually follow through, others will give you more trust in the future. They’ll see that you’re a man who can turn potential futures into reality. They will relinquish power to you.
• Say what you mean: You can’t lie about your intentions, emotional experiences, or expectations because that will only cause grief for both of you. You won’t get what you want because you didn’t speak up, and she’ll feel betrayed because you weren’t honest.
• Be who you say you are: Being yourself means you don’t change your vision, values, self, or emotional experiences to better fit your circumstances or other people. Instead, you change your circumstances to better fit you. That’s leading.

How to Be a Trustworthy Submissive

Ah, the less spoken side of trust. I’ll be really honest—I find the phrase “my submission must be earned” to be sort of silly. It comes from a good place, and I respect that. But I think it diminishes the fact that Dominance is also a gift that must be earned. Dominance requires trust, and the submissive must also demonstrate trustworthiness.

If a Dom has put in the work to become a good Dom, he is likely to invest a lot of time, energy, care, and attention into the person he calls his submissive. What the Dom fears is the submissive taking advantage of that fact—manipulating him to get her own needs met or wasting that energy by not taking the dynamic seriously or abandoning it altogether. It can be frustrating, and those with self-respect simply won’t tolerate it.

Here’s how to build your trustworthiness as a submissive:

Competency

Although less important than the Dom’s competency, having knowledge about your desires and how they may be performed demonstrates a level of commitment to the lifestyle. If the Dom puts energy into you, it’s less likely to be wasted if you show that you understand what you want and are invested in the process.

Reliability

• Consistency: Be consistent in demonstrating your obedience and adhering to the structure your Dom has created. Don’t abandon the dynamic when submitting becomes a challenge.
• Dependability: Show your Dom that he can depend on you to support his decisions and serve the structure he’s set.

Empathy

• Respect boundaries: Doms have boundaries too. In fact, they set the boundaries of the relationship to create a container for you two to play in—like the walls of a castle, these boundaries keep both of you safe. If you cross them, he’ll no longer engage with you because he’ll know you don’t respect the inner world he’s created for you.
• Vulnerability, transparency, and openness: As a submissive, you’re inherently more vulnerable. What breeds trust in that position is not being afraid of that vulnerability. Instead, you understand the risk and are still willing to take it.
• Don’t judge him: Doms are people too. They don’t want to be judged for their desires or the way they make decisions. Sure, it may not have been the way you would have done it—but if you nitpick their decisions or competency, it erodes their confidence and weakens their ability to lead effectively.
• Attend to his needs: One of your duties as a submissive is service, in whatever way that manifests itself—from pleasure to domestic care to intellectual challenge. Your role is to make his life easier or better so that he may better care for you.

Integrity

• Only speak truth: Your Dom needs you to be honest about how submission is going—physically, mentally, and emotionally—so that he can adjust the structure of your dynamic if needed.
• Do what you say: A submissive earns trust by always being honest about her actions, even when it may mean facing discipline.
• Say what you mean: You can’t be a people-pleaser and just go along with what your Dom wants if you don’t actually want it. A Dom needs reassurance that when he acts on some of his taboo or darker desires, you genuinely want that too. Otherwise, he will feel shame and guilt for his actions.
• Be who you say you are: A Dom can’t create structure or lead someone he doesn’t truly understand. If you say you’re one person and then prove to be another, he’ll lead you in the wrong direction—and he’ll be left with the blame because it was his responsibility to lead. This can make a Dom hesitant unless you show yourself to be congruent with who you say you are.

Being Trusting

Everyone has different thresholds for how much trust-building behavior they need to see before they feel comfortable trusting someone. If a person has experienced trauma from having their trust abused in the past, they are likely to be a “slow burn,” as they often describe themselves—someone who requires multiple repeated demonstrations of trustworthiness before they can fully let go.

I see that most often from the submissive side. What I tell many submissives who struggle to surrender is that at some point, you’re going to have to take a leap of faith that your Dom will guide you where you want to go. Even with the best negotiation, vetting, and trust-building, you will still have to take that leap of faith. You can never fully know someone.

It’s easy to believe that you can’t take a risk on someone without trust. However, it’s the very act of risk-taking—of being vulnerable to harm—that allows trust to develop.

When we take a risk in trusting someone, and they don’t abuse or take advantage of that opportunity, trust compounds. We become more willing to take larger and more meaningful risks with that person in the future.

The key is the size of the risk.

If you struggle with trusting partners, start small. Take a micro-risk, see how they respond, and then give them more. You’re essentially doing exposure therapy—gradually increasing your comfort with trust by exposing yourself to small risks and adjusting based on how your partner handles them.

An example of this process is sharing your turn-ons during pillow talk. Post-coitus is a wonderful time to open up about your desires because you’re both in a neurochemical high—more open and receptive to each other. This makes sexual desires an easier and more playful conversation.

As you’re both lying there cuddling, you could simply ask, “What are some things you’ve always wanted to try? If I tell you one, will you tell me one?” I always advocate for being vulnerable first because it’s easier for your partner to follow your lead. Start with something low-stakes, like, “I’ve always wanted to try using a blindfold” (just an example).

When your partner shares theirs, the critical moment is how you respond. Do not judge them, say it’s weird or gross, or react with surprise or discomfort. Instead, encourage them. If it’s not something you’re into, you could say, “That’s cool you’re into that. I don’t think I’d want to try it, but I’m glad you know what you like. Maybe there’s another thing we could explore together.” That kind of response maintains the container of safety and trust.

After going back and forth on a few mild desires or fantasies, you can start sharing more intimate or edgy ones. It should feel easier because you’ve already practiced with milder ones and experienced your partner being open and encouraging.

When building trust in any domain of the D/s dynamic, you can increase the size of the initial risk you’re willing to take by improving your ability to manage your own safety.

For example:

• I’m comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable because I’ve done a lot of work to become secure in myself.
• Knowing how to fight and defend yourself increases your sense of physical safety.
• Learning proper techniques for certain types of kink play can increase your sense of physical and emotional safety.

How to Start Trusting as a Submissive

If you want him to take control, you’re going to have to give up some control. Obviously, don’t hand over your entire life and power to him right away—you have no way of knowing if he can handle that. Start small, and with each successful occasion of giving up control, you can hand over more the next time.

An excellent way to begin is by saying, “I’d like you to choose for me,” in a playful, non-confrontational way. You’re not testing him; you’re encouraging him to step into his role.

For example:

• Ask him to choose what you wear.
• Ask him to choose what you eat.
• Ask him to plan your date, weekend, or trip.

If he’s not used to making decisions for you, he may say, “I don’t know what you want.” Don’t get frustrated. Reassure him that you’d still like for him to choose, and let him know how it makes you feel when he takes control.

If he chooses something you don’t like, don’t berate him. The entire point is to put yourself in a situation where his dominant traits can shine and help reinforce your trust in his judgment. Over time, he’ll become more attuned to you as he builds his confidence in taking charge, and he’ll get valuable feedback from you.

This same concept applies to play or sex. Want him to tie you up? Start with simple ties, or tools that require less skill to use, like bondage tape instead of rope. As he’s doing so, don’t criticize him or act ungrateful. Instead, encourage him by acknowledging what he’s doing right and share what you’re enjoying about it.

How to Start Trusting as a Dom

On the other hand, if you’re in control of the relationship, you need to know that your decisions and directions will be respected, and she’s going to obey.

Instead of overwhelming her with hundreds of rules, an impossible structure to follow, or expecting her to live out some wild edge play fantasy, start small. Give her something manageable. Set only a few easy-to-follow rules. Do something that’s just mildly more dominant than she’s used to.

Being a submissive is a skill to be learned. The best way to learn any skill is by occupying the zone of proximal development—the space between what she is capable of doing on her own, without reminder or support, and what she cannot do even with your help. By trusting her with just a few small duties, she can demonstrate her dedication.

She’s bound to make mistakes. Don’t belittle her for it. Support her, encourage her, and remind her of the correct way to engage in the structure you’ve set or what your desires are. This applies to following rules just as much as it does to understanding how you like to be pleased sexually.

Especially in play, if you start small, you’ll have the opportunity to observe how she reacts. For example, starting lightly with impact play allows you to see if she can gauge her own pain tolerance and whether she can be trusted to call a safeword if needed.

As she continues to be successful, you can start adding more structure or intensity. If she’s struggling, then help her overcome her challenges or restructure things to better facilitate the opportunity to demonstrate her trustworthiness.

Your Dynamic is Built on Trust

Building trust in a D/s relationship can be a delicate process, but it is undoubtedly essential. Your practice will be a simultaneous effort: becoming more trustworthy yourself while learning to be more trusting in your partner. This ongoing practice in trust paves the way for deep, meaningful, and fulfilling D/s relationships.