How To Make Him More Dominant in the Bedroom

Wishing your man would be more dominant in the bedroom? Use these 5 easy steps rooted in his psychology to help encourage him and draw out that strong, masculine Dominance you have been craving.

Look, I get it. I’ve heard time and time again from women that wish their man was more Dominant. You wish he’d be more confident, assertive, and take charge in the relationship, especially in the bedroom.

Yes you love that he’s loving, kind, and cares for you. Of course. That’s wonderful.

But you crave him to completely own and do terrible, ungodly things to you in the bedroom.

But how do you make him be more Dominant?

Well… you can’t. 

Just like he can’t make you do anything. We can’t control other people without them letting us. We can’t change them. We all have free will. We only have control of our own actions and behaviors. 

Let’s not lose hope here, though. There is A LOT you can do to influence him that will put the odds of your man choosing to be Dominant much more in your favor. This influence is actually a great source of power that you have as a submissive.

See, there are some people that believe that Dominance is an innate trait. If your man is not naturally Dominant, he never will be. I don’t buy that for one second. 

In fact, everything about Dominance can be learned. However, you can’t walk the walk for him. Only he can do that. Only he will be able to take the first step of taking responsibility for becoming Dominant.

You as the submissive can help encourage and increase the likelihood of that occurring. I’m going to walk you through how you can achieve that. But first, let’s understand why it’s so difficult for him to be Dominant.

A man’s perspective

For most men in today’s society, being Dominant actually goes against our social conditioning. 

From the time we’re young, we’ve been told to treat women equally, to be kind, to be caring, to not impose ourselves too much on them. This is further exacerbated by the fact that many boys are raised in fatherless households, meaning the mother is the major influence on the boys social conditioning. Of course mom is going to teach you to treat a woman like a lady.

The problem here is not that women are being treated better or have made large strides in social progress. That is fantastic! The problem is that societal conditioning lumps ALL masculine or dominant traits into one category, labels them as “toxic”, and does not help the young boy discern what it means to be a dominant leader vs domineering tyrant. Furthermore, it uses collective shame to repress our individual desires, for both sides of the slash, and everyone just swallows the collective ideology rather than expressing their true individual desires.

Being raised by a single mom and my personality naturally being high in conscientiousness, I know this all too well. 

I distinctly remember the first time I pinned my ex-wife down to the bed by her wrists, gripping tightly, as she playfully tried squirming away and resisting, and feeling this overwhelming feeling of wanting to completely ravish her. 

Instantly I felt this wave of shame hit me like a semi truck. 

Was this wrong… I’m not supposed to treat her like that… But I liked it… What kind of monster am I?

It took me years and many experiences to unravel and walk through the mindfuck of being “selfish”, is actually being selfless. That she gets pleasure from being the submissive in the relationship, and therefore I’m denying her pleasure if I don't act on these desires. That as long as she has consented, she craves for me to completely own my desires, not hold back, and not to hesitate. She wants me to take what's mine, completely. To be crass, she wants me to lose control, fuck her like an animal, destroy her, and completely fucking own her with my entire being, and the important part, be able to quickly regain composure should she say stop.

Put simply, it took me forever to figure out and accept that she wants this.

Beyond that, men have a whole list of fears they have to address before they can show their true Dominance:

• They are afraid you’ll think their a terrible person
• They are afraid they will physically hurt or break you
• They are afraid they won’t be able to control themselves
• They are afraid they don’t know what they are doing and will mess up
• They are afraid you’ll leave them

I’m going to walk you through 5 steps to influence your man to be more dominant below. 

However, the number one thing you can do through this entire process, repeatedly, is to reassure him that you want this. That you need this. That you absolutely crave him to be Dominant.

Not only does this help him work through his own mental hurdles, but you’re essentially helping him to deprogram himself from what society has conditioned him to be. In fact, it’s actually training him to be dominant through behavioral conditioning.

Conditioning is a behavioral process whereby a response becomes more frequent or more predictable in a given environment as a result of reinforcement, with reinforcement typically being a stimulus or reward for a desired response.

So, every time your man acts Dominant and you reassure him, encourage him, and reward him for doing so, he’s more likely to do that behavior again in the future.

Here’s exactly how you’re going to do it.

How to influence him to be more Dominant

Step 1: Express your desire for him to be Dominant

People can’t read minds. Yet, when it comes to sex and relationships, we just expect our partners to know what we need and want without us having to say anything. That is a recipe for unfulfilled needs between bitter and resentful partners.

It is incredibly helpful to hear directly from you that you want this. Remember reassurance. In fact, for some men, this is all they need.

When you do communicate with us, do not nag or criticize us in the process, telling us how we’re never Dominant. It’s the fastest way to make us feel emasculated and pissed off all at once. Instead use encouragement and make it enticing.

You can help him by expressing what that would look like and feel like to you. Tell him what acts feel Dominant to you. Tell him how you want to feel in the bedroom. 

If you’re unsure about those, I recommend using my 3 Tools to Discover Your Turn Ons and then using 5 Tools to Communicate Your Turn Ons. It can also be helpful for each of you to fill out a Sex Menu, so that you can find acts that naturally turn him on so he’s acting on his own desires and not just doing it because you want him to.

Seriously, give him the keys to the kingdom by telling him exactly what unlocks your submission. You’ll both be happier that you did.

Step 2: Give him opportunities to take the lead

If you want him to take control, you’re going to have to give up control. Obviously don't give over your entire life and power to him from the beginning. You have no idea if he’ll be able to handle that. Instead start small, and with each successful occasion of giving over control, then give over more the next time.

An excellent way to start is by saying “I’d like you to choose for me” in a smiley, non-confrontational and playful way. You’re not testing him, you’re encouraging him.

For example:

• Ask him to choose what to wear
• Ask him to choose what to eat
• Ask him to plan your date, weekend, or trip

If he’s not used to choosing for you, he’ll most likely say I don’t know what you want. Don’t get annoyed. Reassure him that you’d still like for him to choose and tell him how it makes you feel when he takes control. 

If he chooses something you don’t like, don’t berate him. Remember the entire point is putting yourself into a situation that allows his dominant personality traits to shine, and to reinforce you trust in his opinion. Over time he’ll get more attuned to you as he builds up his self confidence in taking charge and gets feedback from you.

Step 3: Act Submissive

By definition and their inherent nature, Dominance and submission are opposites and polarize each other, meaning for every dominant act, there is an equal and opposite submissive reaction. Your man exudes more Dominance, you’ll be inclined to be more submissive.

Well, guess what? It works the other way, too. If you start acting more submissive, you can start coaxing more Dominance out of your man. It’s the beautiful seduction of the feminine that calls forth the masculine to conquer it.

Here’s some ways to act more submissive:

• Adopt submissive body language: Be soft, relaxed, flowy, and showcasing the vulnerable parts of your body like your chest and neck. Aella has a fantastic breakdown of seductive feminine body language.
• Put yourself in submissive positions: When possible, put yourself below him, kneel, bend over, or engage in acts like massaging his feet.
• Serving without being asked: perform little tasks, ask what you can do to help, and ramp up your acts of service
• Reassure and give appreciation to him: “I love that I can trust you to decide on my behalf”. “I feel safe when I’m around you”. “You make me feel really special”. These affirmations help him understand his more dominant qualities are desirable, and you see him as your protector.
• Follow the essential behaviors for submissives. 

What you’re doing here is giving him more opportunities to act on his Dominant desires and demonstrating what some of the rewards would be for doing so. If he starts acting more Dominant, he can expect to see more behavior like this.

Step 4: Be sexually forward

To ramp up the submissive energy, you can continue acting more submissive in sexual ways. Sometimes this means you’ll need to be a little more sexually forward and take the initiation. So you’re going to demonstrate to him your sexual appetite.

Here’s some ideas to be more sexually forward as a submissive:

• Suggesting naughty places to have sex
• Dressing provocatively to show off your body
• Begging him “I want you to fuck me” or “Please, please just take me”
• Crawling across his lap and saying “I’ve been naughty Daddy. Do you think I need some spankings?”
• Playfully grabbing for his crotch and being cheeky about wanting to play
• Talk dirty with phrases like “Make my little pussy yours” or “I love it when you pin my down so I can’t move”
• Dropping to your knees for a blowjob without command 
• Get on your hands and knees on the bed with your ass in the air

Yes you’ll be taking the initiative at first, but over time he’ll start to get the idea and seeing you physically and verbally begging to be treated this way will give him reassurance that you really want this. Then he can start learning to gradually increase his sexual dominance.

Step 5: Encourage and praise him

Here is where the power of behavioral conditioning kicks in. 

Recall that conditioning is a behavioral process whereby a response becomes more frequent or more predictable in a given environment as a result of reinforcement, with reinforcement typically being a stimulus or reward for a desired response.

So, if your man exhibits the dominant behaviors you want, then tell him how much you like it! Create a positive feedback loop by letting him know what qualities you admire.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret just between you and I, ok?

Doms… have praise kinks, too.

In fact, one of a man’s favorite things to hear in life is “good job”.

It has to do with societal programming that a man’s worth is tied to what he does in life. That’s actually only one facet to his conception of Self, and he’s going to have to learn to untangle that, but for the majority of men, this is what they think about themselves.

So, anytime he acts Dominant, I essentially want you to tell him “good job”. Except don’t say it like that because it will be extremely condescending. 

Instead it will sound like this:

• “It feels so good when you do that”
• “I love it when you pull my hair”
• “I love being your little slut”
• “Please! I want more of that”
• “I really loved it when you spanked my ass that way”
• “God your cock feels so good when you fuck me from behind”
• “When you held me down, I just do so wet”
• “It turned me on so much when you told me what to do”

Being very sexually expressive with your breathing, moaning, gasping, and body during sex are also all great ways to say “good job” without having to say anything. I promise he’ll feel pretty damn good about himself if he sees you in the throes of pleasure.

The more you encourage him, the more he’ll do it. The happier you both are. So don’t think you hold no power as the submissive. You, my dear, have much power.