Two Must-Ask Questions for Better Sex

These two deceptively simple questions will change your sex life and drastically improve your chances of finding fulfillment in your pleasure.

What makes the difference between mediocre sex and great sex?

Undoubtedly, the emotional spark between two people—the lust and desire for someone—cannot be understated. The problem is, we have far less control over that than we’d probably like to admit.

Out of all the tools and lenses for which to view sex through, I’ve found two that have consistently helped me to understand my own desires, how to enjoy sex, and how to make it pleasurable for both people.

The way I see it, in every sexual interaction, there are two fundamental questions to answer:

1. Who is in control?
2. For whom is this intended for?

When a partner and I are unclear about the answers to these questions, sex becomes clunky—one or both of us goes unfulfilled, and something that might normally be a turn-on can become a complete turn-off.

This usually happens because we haven’t clearly and explicitly stated who is in control and what we want. Instead, we’re trying to get our desires met implicitly or covertly, which is a recipe for dissatisfaction.

Once you answer these questions, everything else in sex becomes a toolkit for exerting control and fulfilling the intention.

Question 1: Who is in control?

Think back to high school or college when you had to work on a group project. If no one was assigned to lead, or if no one stepped up to take leadership, the project was often a nightmare. Nobody knew who was responsible for what, some tasks went unfinished, and others were duplicated because roles weren’t assigned.

Now consider the professional world, where there’s a clear hierarchy. A project manager leads the team, and each member has defined tasks. Setting aside personalities, projects generally run more smoothly in this structured environment.

The difference? Someone takes control and responsibility.

Sex, like a project, is a cooperative act. It flows much better when someone is in control. Similar to dancing, there’s a lead and a follow.

The Dominance and submission (D/s) model offers one answer to this question. A Dominant takes control and responsibility for the interaction, while a submissive surrenders control and responsibility.

What about a switch—someone who enjoys both Dominant and submissive roles? Even a switch embodies only one role at a time. A “switch” means switching between roles, not occupying both simultaneously.

Sex becomes awkward when both partners embody the same role at the same time. If both are Dominant, they fight for control. If both are submissive, the interaction stagnates. If both are switching but not in sync, it gets confusing.

That said, you don’t have to stick to one role permanently—not even within a single interaction. If you and your partner are both switches, you can toggle between Dominant and submissive within the same session. The key is that both of you must be willing to switch at the same time.

D/s dynamics aren’t the only model for control. In neo-tantra, roles are defined by masculine and feminine energy, with the understanding that everyone—regardless of gender—has the capacity to embody both.

At its core, the masculine creates a container for the feminine to fully express herself. A common analogy is that the masculine provides the riverbanks, while the feminine is the flowing river. This model focuses less on exerting top-down control and more on inviting the other person into a space.

For example, in a yoni massage, the masculine creates a safe, inviting space and leads the massage, while the feminine relaxes into the experience, freely expressing her pleasure without concern for where the interaction is going.

Personally, as someone versed in both D/s dynamics and neo-tantra, I prefer the Dominant role. However, I also enjoy the ability to switch between masculine and feminine energy. Holding space for someone else to fully express themselves requires effort, and sometimes I need that space held for me, too.

Even if you don’t engage in D/s or neo-tantra, there’s always a top (the person performing the act) and a bottom (the person receiving it). No matter what, someone is leading, and someone is following. The clearer you are about which role you enjoy, the easier it is to find partners who complement you.

Question 2: For whom is this intended for?

Most people eventually answer the first question. Very few stop to consider for whom any given sexual act is intended in the moment.

Failing to understand this can leave both partners unfulfilled—or worse, make something pleasurable feel uncomfortable or unwanted.

Take the classic example of a man who offers a woman a massage hoping to get laid. He claims the massage is for her, but his true intention is to get something out of it, making the interaction about him. As a result, he half-asses the massage, leaving her unfulfilled. If she doesn’t give in to the pressure afterward, he’s unfulfilled (and possibly resentful). If she does, she may not fully enjoy it, leading to a lackluster experience for both.

An even worse example is a massage therapist who takes advantage of their position to inappropriately touch a client. The client expected a massage for their benefit, but the therapist’s true intention was for themselves—leaving the client feeling violated.

Let’s now look at a not so obvious example. Tell me, who is a blowjob intended for?

Your immediate answer is probably the guy whose cock is in the other person’s mouth, right?

Not so fast. What if the woman giving it has a serious oral fixation or even a fetish for having something in her mouth? In that case, her primary motivation is her own pleasure, not his. If that’s not communicated, something might feel “off” to him—he expects the act to be for his pleasure, but she’s doing it in a way that feels best for her.

Both people may still experience pleasure, but the key distinction is intention. Who the act is meant for matters more than who enjoys it.

I fully grasped this concept when I learned about the Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin.

The Wheel of Consent differentiates who is doing the action and who the action is being done to, much like BDSM differentiates a top (performing the action) from a bottom (receiving the action). However, it also identifies who the action is intended for—as if it were a freely given gift.

The model defines four types of interaction:

• Giving: Performing an action for the benefit of the other person (e.g., massaging).
• Receiving: Having an action done to you for your benefit (e.g., being massaged).
• Taking: Performing an action for your own benefit (e.g., ravishing someone).
• Allowing: Having an action done to you for the other person’s benefit (e.g., being ravished).

Again, pleasure can exist in all four categories—pleasure itself isn’t the distinction. Likewise, the type of activity doesn’t determine the category. A massage, for instance, might look identical whether it’s given as a gift or taken for personal pleasure—the difference lies in the intention.

Returning to the blowjob example: If a woman with an oral fixation is taking, she’s still performing the action, but for her own benefit, while the man is allowing her to do so. If he mistakenly believes he’s receiving, the experience might feel misaligned. The same applies to her—if she doesn’t understand whether she’s giving or taking, something may feel off.

This subtle but crucial distinction makes all the difference in creating a truly satisfying experience for both partners.

Bringing them together

Answering either of these questions will significantly improve your sexual interactions. But when you answer both together, you gain even greater insight into how you wish to show up as a Dominant or submissive in any given interaction.

For Dominants, this could look like:

• Giving: Acting as a service Top, providing your submissive with a specific type of play they desire—often as a reward for good behavior or as a way to help them explore a new kink.
• Receiving: Engaging in acts where your submissive serves you for your pleasure, reinforcing dynamics such as service submission or slave relationships.
• Taking: Performing an act purely for your own gratification, sometimes irrespective of your submissive’s pleasure. This intention is often present in kinks like CNC (consensual non-consent) or brat/brat tamer dynamics.
• Allowing: Though less common, a Dominant may allow certain actions to happen. For instance, if bratting isn’t your preference but you allow your submissive to brat because it brings them joy, you’re embodying this intention.

For submissives, this could look like:

• Giving: Serving your Dominant within the structure they’ve created, fulfilling their desires and expectations.
• Receiving: Being given the opportunity to receive something for your benefit, whether it’s to help you grow or experience new pleasures.
• Taking: While rare, submissives may sometimes be in this quadrant. For example, if given the space to act on an oral fixation or to brat for their own enjoyment, they are taking rather than giving or receiving.
• Allowing: Often, submissives will allow actions to happen to them—not necessarily for their direct pleasure, but because it pleases their Dominant. For example, while a submissive may not enjoy a certain kind of pain, they might take satisfaction in their sadist Dominant’s enjoyment of administering it.

While this framework may seem reductionist, applying it to your own erotic psychology can unlock deep insights into your desires, cravings, and challenges in getting them fulfilled.

Challenges answering the questions - My Experience

What I’m about to describe is less advice and more insight into how challenging answering these deceptively simple questions can be. Often, the difficulty isn’t in finding the answer, but in overcoming the shame, insecurities, and personal barriers that stand in the way.

Answering the first question of control was relatively easy—I knew I wanted to be in control. What I didn’t realize until later in my journey as a Dom was the shadow side of that desire. Part of my need for control stemmed from a reluctance to trust others with responsibility over me. If I was in control, I wouldn’t have to be vulnerable or rely on another person. If I was in control, I naively believed I wouldn't have to be vulnerable in asking for what I wanted.

This mirrored how I operated in my everyday life. Highly independent and self-sufficient, I tried not to rely on others because, eventually, people leave. If I depended on them and they left, I’d be in trouble. My competency and problem-solving skills allowed me to get away with this, and society rewards that kind of self-reliance. But in relationships, this mindset is a knife in the side.

It took years of self-work, a patient and loving ex-wife, and a men’s group to learn how to let people in, trust them, and, more importantly, rely on them.

Professionally, I work well in teams, though I always prefer leading or doing things myself. Romantically, I’m still slow to let my guard down. I’ve done a lot to become secure in myself, but I still wrestle with the paradox: If you leave, I’ll be okay. I don’t need you. But if I don’t need you, why let you in at all? That’s not how intimacy works. Love isn’t about needing someone (that’s codependency); it’s about wanting them despite not needing them. It’s about being vulnerable first, relying on them, and giving them the chance to build trust.

Why bring this up in relation to being a Dom? Because it made answering the second question even harder.

One of the lessons Betty Martin teaches is that the quadrant you find easiest to reside in will make the opposite quadrant the most challenging

Damn, Betty, why do you have to go and call me out like that?

I’m most comfortable in the giving quadrant—being in control and giving the gift—because it involves no vulnerability, and I get rewarded for the positivity it brings others. What’s wrong with that?

If you meet others' needs without getting your own met, resentment builds. If you don’t allow others to serve you, burnout follows. Either way, you end up unable to continue giving.

In my early days as a Dom, I became what one of my mentors calls a “coin-operated Top,” dispensing whatever kinks a submissive wanted rather than asserting my own desires. I did this in the hope that by fulfilling her desires, she would stay.

Candidly, there was self-worth work to be done—accepting that I was allowed to have needs, voice them, and have them fulfilled.

That work allowed me to step into the taking quadrant—still in control, but now pursuing my own pleasure. I really gained a lot of power here as a Dom. I realized that many submissive women crave a Dom who unapologetically takes what he wants within the boundaries they’ve set. In my experience, even so-called vanilla women often fantasize about CNC, likely because it taps into the primal energy of someone claiming what they desire.

But I don’t always want to take. That often involves opposition or Dominance by force. I can get into that headspace if needed, but it’s not my natural state. I’m a pretty zen guy—calm, cool, and collected.

What I truly crave is being given the gift. A subtler, more refined Dominance—one commanded by respect, not force. The kind where a glance across the room is enough to ensure her obedience. No taking necessary.

But that would require me to receive—to be vulnerable enough to rely on someone to serve me.

So, like many do when faced with something difficult, I found a way to skirt around it. Which is how I confusingly found myself in the allowing quadrant. A submissive would genuinely want to do something for me and ask, “What do you want me to do for you?” The sweetest gesture, yet the fastest way for my mind to go blank.

I couldn’t stay silent, so I’d name something. She’d do it, and I’d allow it rather than truly receiving it as the gift it was. Neither of us felt fully satisfied, because the dynamic wasn’t aligned. She was giving a gift, but I wasn’t receiving it as intended.

Luckily, this forced me to really investigate my own erotic mind and figure out what it is that really turns me on. It also forced me to get really nit picky about exactly what sensations feel good to me. This did tons for me in being able to communicate my desires upfront most of the time. 

However, it’s not perfect and I still sometimes find myself craving something and having difficulty asking for it. It’s not because I don’t believe I deserve it, but in my head I think there are going to be strings attached, expectations, something I’m going to have to give in return. So I hold reluctance. Or, of course, now having to be vulnerable and ask for not only something that I would like, but for something I want most in that moment and trusting they'd actually fulfill it.

I strongly remember, and often attribute the act as the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, the first time I’d ever truly felt like I received a gift. It was my birthday. 

As a kid, I loved Dairy Queen’s Chocolate Extreme Blizzard ice cream cakes. I love chocolate and they were so good; however, not very healthy. When I got older and developed some gut and microbiome issues, I had to strictly clean up my diet.

One year, I asked my wife if she would make me a version of that cake for my birthday. She then took it upon herself to research recipes, find all the alternative ingredients that I could still eat to make it “healthy”, got all the ingredients on her own time (not when we did our weekly grocery shopping), and made the cake from scratch. If you’ve ever made an ice cream cake, you know it’s a process, especially for one with this many different layers. On top of that, she made it small enough for us to enjoy for a night or two, because she knew I wouldn’t be making an allowance for more nights of cheat meals for myself and wouldn’t want the temptation of having a large cake.

When I took that first bite, it tasted exactly as I remembered. I fucking bawled.

I was overwhelmed by her kindness and intention. The act had made me feel loved, cherished, and honored. Not just appreciated for what I do, but valued simply for who I am. Instead I didn’t have to do anything for this. She did it of her own accord. None of what she had done was intended for her. It was the truest gift I had ever received.

I also remember the first night I really allowed myself to accept and receive a gift from a submissive woman. I had gotten too in my head about impressing this woman that I started getting sexual performance anxiety. It didn’t matter how hot and heavy we were getting or how much I really wanted her, I just couldn’t get an erection. (Seriously guys, it happens to all of us every now and then, don’t sweat it.) 

She sensed my frustration and told me to lie back. She cuddled up next to me and we started making out. Her hands grabbed and rubbed my body aggressively, until it seemed she couldn’t hold back anymore and reached down for my cock, which was now semi erect. The way she jerked me off and kissed me, I could feel the raw lust and desire she had, and that energy felt amazing. She then told me to relax and lowered herself between my legs. When she lowered her mouth onto me, I felt her hunger. Her mouth, hands, and drool worked every inch of me. She was relentless, fully immersed in her pleasure of pleasuring me. She was down there for quite some time, and not once did she show a sign of giving up. When I finally came, she swallowed everything. 

When I finally came, she swallowed everything, then curled up beside me. I reached to return the favor, but she stopped me. What she had done was not a favor, something that needed to be reciprocated, it was a gift. She knew if she let me please her, it would have cheapened the gift. 

To be honest, I still struggle to receive. But I’m aware of it now. I cherish sweet, willing submissives who delight in serving their Dom, not just by allowing him to do things to them. I know that my growth—and many of the kinks and fantasies I have yet to experience—lie in that quadrant.

At some point, I’ll be comfortable there, too. And when I am, I’ll be able to fluidly move between quadrants, experiencing my pleasure more fully. As Betty Martin says, if you want to feel the full experience of your pleasure, you have to learn how to reside in each quadrant.

Your challenge

If you want fulfilling sex (and fulfilling relationships), you have to ask yourself these questions. The first step is awareness. The second step is communication. The next time you have a sexual interaction, ask yourself: Who is in control? Who is this intended for?

You might be surprised by how much ambiguity exists in your answers—and how that might be fueling discontentment in your interactions.