3 Pillars to Structure the Perfect BDSM Scene

Want to craft a great BDSM scene? These 3 foundational pillars will equip you with an easy to use formula for you to create scenes that will help Doms and subs reach the heights of pleasure and depths of subspace.

Do you want the secret to being a Dom and creating subspace inducing scenes and mind melting orgasms?

‍How you do a kinky action is more important than what you do.

Two Doms can perform the exact same actions on the exact same sub, but the effect they will have on the submissive will be different. So even if you got technically proficient at everything in BDSM, you still need to master some principles about delivering them in order to make those acts evoke the emotions and fulfill the desires she’s craving.

When I was starting to learn how to become a Dom, I felt that some nights I’d be with a woman and I would have a very hot, steamy, passionate time and others felt as mundane as washing the dishes on a Tuesday night. Although I would have liked to just chalk it up to the connection between us not being there, my self improvement brain figured there was something I could be doing to remedy this. I found Chief’s Sensation Scenes and learned a way to structure scenes that made the “Oh my god, I can’t stop touching myself to our session last night” happen more often. Of course, not every scene can be mind-blowing, and sometimes that’s not even the goal, but we can at least make it more likely.

Preplanning a scene vs winging it

In a moment, I’m going to give you a roadmap for creating scenes. You may be wondering if it’s necessary to plan everything in advance for every scene. For you spontaneous types, that can seem a little boring. For the sub, if you’re rigid to a pre-planned scene, it can feel robotic.

My advice is that the more complicated, risky, or potential for harm the scene has, the more planning you should undertake ahead of time. However not every scene needs to be that level of detail.

Personally, I like to have a plan with a goal in mind when going into the scene. Once I’m in the scene though, I like to use my awareness to feel into what we are both experiencing, and steering the scene in whatever direction it needs to go to get us closer to the goal. There’s been times when I have planned entire scenes, only to get into it and throw the entire thing out the window and feel into the moment of what to do next. This allows me to have a flexible structure with room for our personalities to shine and unexpected things to come up (because they always do). 

3 Pillars to Structuring a BDSM Scene

Pillar 1: Goal

Our first pillar to a great scene is to have a general goal in mind. 

Now, this may seem counterintuitive to other sex advice which tells you that you shouldn’t have a goal in mind when engaging in sex. In fact, I’ve even mentioned that having a goal can lead to sexual performance anxiety or make the ability to reach subspace less effective. 

However, I’ve also explained that as a Dom, your responsibility is to set a vision and direction for the dynamic - which includes the scenes that you create.

So what gives? The answer is to have a goal without the expectation of reaching that goal.

Without a goal, you have no idea where you’re headed or how to plan for reaching that goal. There are actions you can take to make orgasm, subspace, and one hell of a good time, more likely. Without an aim though, you won’t be able to structure reaching those things. 

So instead, you set a goal, but don’t put the pressure on yourself or her that the goal must be achieved at all costs. Instead, it’s more like “this would be really cool if we reached it, but if we don’t, we’re still going to have a lot of fun along the way.”

For scenes, Chief describes goals as setting a “theme” for the scene which gives the scene a purpose or reason for being done. 

He describes 5 types of themes:

• Training: to improve techniques and practice
• Arousal: to achieve sexual pleasure, with pinnacle of orgasm
• Play: to participate in the scene for its own sake, with enjoyment as the goal
• Performance: to recognize talent and demonstrate knowledge and skill to others
• Discipline: to learn to obey rules and correct disobedience using punishment

These are great for setting an overall goal for the scene and clue you into how to start structuring it; however, I like to think a little more nuanced and direct with my goal.

For example, I may be in the theme of arousal, but my goal is to help my submissive “ride the wave” as I call it, which is building up her arousal state to have one very intense orgasm that can turn into multiple subsequent orgasms. 

Or maybe I’m disciplining, but my goal is to correct a very specific behavior and reinforce why the behavior is important to our dynamic.

As you’ll see as we continue through the other two pillars, it’s this level of nuance that is going to set you apart from other Doms. 

So before you start creating a scene, what is your goal?

Pillar 2: Sequencing

Our second pillar to a great scene is to sequence your kinky acts in a way that makes your goal more likely to happen.

It’s not only important what actions you choose to do, but which order you put them in. Although there is a time and place for a fast and intense quickie, most of the time you are not going from 0 to 100 right off the bat. 

Think of scenes more like a symphony, where each action plays its part, slowly building over time, reaching its crescendo, and coming back down to baseline leaving its listener pleased and satiated. 

This in fact, is what the orgasm cycle looks:

This cycle serves as a good model for how we can start sequencing our scenes in order to create a satisfying experience for the both of us. Chief gives us a model for this, which breaks down into four phases:

• Lead in: To prepare her mentally for what is to come (Excitement)
• Ramp up: To deepen her mental state and prepare her physically (Plateau) 
• Release: To reach the climax of your scene (Orgasm)
• Relax: To bring her down and help her recover (Resolution)

I recommend his book Sensational Scenes to see examples of acts for each phase and how to put together a full scene. The point is, consider which actions are going to increase her desire and get her excited, which actions help her to stay aroused as she builds towards orgasm, which actions will tip her over the edge, and which ones are meant to bring her back down to earth. 

My advice is to start from low Dominance and move towards extremes as the scene progresses. Doing so will be of benefit to the both of you. For her, it helps her get familiar with your Dominance, sink into the submissive headspace, and warms her body up for more intense forms of Dominance. For you, it helps you get familiar with her body and how she’ll respond to your Dominant acts, allows you to gain more confidence as the scene progresses, and makes sure you have plenty of acts to keep doing during the session.

Pillar 3: Perfect Moments

Our final pillar is to fill our scene with building blocks called “perfect moments" by Chief. These are the moments that both of you will savor and most likely masturbate over later as you recall just how hot the scene was.

To create any perfect moment within a scene, you’ll need these 3 elements to be in congruency with each other:

• Intent: Why you’re performing an action
• Energy: How you’re performing an action
• Action: The single kinky act you will be performing in that moment

Intention

Like all good things in life, you start with why (who knew Simon Sinek was such a kinkster…) Why are you going to perform that action at that moment? How does this intention move you closer to the goal? What things are you trying to evoke in your submissive?

Chief describes 5 common intentions:

• Pleasure: focuses on sensations, evoking emotions, increasing arousal, and aiming for orgasm
• Pressure: is used to increase tension between you two and amplify Dom/sub power differential. This can be physical pressure (bondage, pulling hair, choking, etc), psychological pressure (calling her degrading names, making her go without panties in public, making her repeat herself and beg, etc). Pressure is the secret sauce of a scene. The more pressure you use, the more intense the scene becomes. It’s important to be mindful of pressure and how much your submissive can take, balancing pressure actions with pacifying ones as necessary.
• Pain: causing pain for pleasure or discipline
• Practice: helping Dom or sub learn new skills to enhance scenes
• Pacify: removal of pressure and entering into relaxed state such as in aftercare (but not always

A scene may be full of moments with just one intention, such as a total focus on pleasure in a sensual worship scene, or practice in a rope scene. However, the most powerful scenes often include moments with all the intentions at some point. That’s because the intentions exist on polarized spectrums, such as pain vs pleasure or pressure vs pacify, where alternating between the two extremes creates a rollercoaster of sensations and emotions. A skillful Dom will be able to alternate between intentions to create an exciting scene, while also sequencing them in a way that leads towards the goal.

Energy

If a kinky action is a verb, then energy is the adjective that accompanies it. Energy is the way in which you deliver that kinky action. Every kinky action can be delivered in a multitude of ways that is going to make the receiver, your submissive, feel something different. Energy is the passion, the vibe, the personality, the umph behind whatever you do.

Let’s take a spanking for example and examine how a Dom could deliver that spanking with three different energies:

• Sternly: a serious, disciplinarian type Dom might give a harsh swat on the ass with the intention of pain to punish his submissive for a transgression.
• Lovingly: a compassionate Dom might give a succession of stinging but pleasurable spankings to help pacify his submissive’s neurotic mind and prepare her for more pleasure later
• Playfully: a jovial Dom might give his submissive a quick smack on her ass to catch his submissive off guard and increase the pressure of the moment, reminding her the dynamic

Of course all of these could be one in the same person, depending on the intention of the scene. The important thing is to match the energy with the intention. If you deliver a spanking harshly, but the intention is meant to be pleasurable and your sub is not a pain slut, then your energy is going to be incongruent and it's going to just feel weird and out of place.

An important note to energy, with every action, competence and confidence should be a part of that energy. Now you may be thinking, “Brandon, I’ve never done this before? How the hell am I supposed to be confident?!”

Practice and exposure.

To gain competence, learn the techniques from mentors, workshops, videos, or courses. Then practice them over and over again. I flogged a pillow probably a hundred times before ever flogging a woman. Some of the techniques will require her to be there to practice. So, either turn it into a fun game and gain her support in helping you practice, or have it be a regular act you do every time you have sex so you have ample opportunity to practice.

To gain confidence, you need to use the technique on a woman and be exposed to owning your desires and seeing her reactions. The more times you perform the action, the easier it will become, and the more you will want to do it. You need it to become second nature to you, and almost be able to predict what her reaction will be from it because you’ve seen the same reaction a dozen times.

When you start being Dominant, it’s going to probably feel weird if you’re not naturally that way. Everyone, myself included, goes through the shaky hands and weak verbal commands on their way to being more Dominant. You’re going to be bad at it in the beginning and that’s ok. Own it and be honest with her that you're just starting to learn. I promise she’ll be nice and probably just excited to try things out. The worst thing you can do is lie about how great of a Dom you are and not deliver. 

Action

The last piece of a perfect moment is the kinky action you’ll take. Pretty self explanatory. Pick the action you want to take and make sure that the energy and intention are congruent with the action.

Additionally, every action has a mild to wild spectrum. For example, bending her over the bed in your bedroom to give her a few spanks might be mild for spanking. While taking her into a changing room in public, telling her to hike up her dress, remove her panties, and bending her over your knee to spank her, might be a little more wild. So here, I recommend starting low and mild, and moving towards extreme and wild as the scene progresses.

Example Scene Using the 3 Pillars

Here’s an example of a scene I did with a girl who we tried a little spanking and light impact play with and she wanted to feel more intensity. My goal was to help her start tying pain and pleasure together in her mind. So, I designed the scene to ramp up the sensation of both over time. Sex is an integral part of my kinky play, so that’s why it's included so heavily in the scene, but of course a scene could be created without sex involved. This scene was followed pretty closely to what I planned here.

As you read the scene, after every action you’ll see an intention symbol for that action:

• Pl = Pleasure
• Pr = Pressure
• Pa = Pain
• Pc = Pacify
• There was no practice in this scene

You’ll notice that I will often use pressure actions and alternate them with pacifying ones, or use painful actions and alternate them with pleasurable ones. That’s to create the rollercoaster effect, ramping up intensity, giving a bit of relief, back and forth.

Sexual Impact Scene

Goal: Tie pain and pleasure together

Energy: Rough, Aggressive

Lead in: Kissing & Low Dominance 

• Place all tools out in open sight to entice her (Pr)
• Give her kisses (Pa), starting lightly and moving more aggressive (Pr)
• Command her to strip for you (Pr)
• Put blindfold on her and leather restraints (but keep them unclasped from each other) (Pr)
• Kiss her from behind, groping her body, pushing your pelvis in her ass (P)
• Push her to bend over the bed (Pr)

Ramp up: 3 Sets of Spanking

• Note: If your sub is really into impact play and can take harder spankings, feel free to start at a higher intensity. Just make sure you warm up the skin to raise her pain tolerance. If she is flinching a lot, you need to go lighter and warm her up more.
• Set 1: Hand Spanking
  • Kiss up and down her legs, squeezing her ass getting blood moving to the area (Pa) 
  • Begin giving light spankings of 2/10 intensity, just enough to warm up the skin (Pr)
  • Either rub her pussy or give her oral in between spanking (Pl) 
  • Start giving 3/10 intensity spankings (Pa)
  • Make sure her pussy is very wet, lube a bluetooth vibrator, and insert it in her pussy (Pl)
  • Start giving 5/10 intensity spankings (Pa), slightly pushing I vibrator in between (Pl).
  • When you’re ready, remove the vibrator and fuck her doggy style (Pr), occasionally spanking her ass with 5-6/10 intensity. (Pa) Now is a great time to use much dirtier language with her. 
  • Go until you’re satisfied and would like to progress. (Pl)
• Set 2: Riding Crop (or other light/medium intensity tool) Spanking
  • As you pull out, rub her body, tell her how good she is, and rub her ass cheeks, moving the blood and sensations around. (Pa)
  • Apply a generous amount of lube to a butt plug and tease her asshole with it. (Pr) Slowly let her take the plug in, inch by inch, until fully secure. (Pl)
  • Grab a riding crop, or similar type medium intensity tool, and give her spankings 5/10 intensity (Pa)
  • Finger her in between spankings (Pl)
  • Keep moving up in intensity to about 7/10 (Pa), praising her and giving her pleasure in between (Pl)
  • When you’re ready, start fucking her doggy style. (Pr) While doing so, push your pelvis against the butt plug. If you want to make it more intense, put your hands on her shoulders, slightly wrapping around her neck. Now is a great time to use much dirtier language with her. 
  • Go until you’re satisfied and would like to progress. (Pl)
• Set 3: Paddle, Wooden Spoon, High Intensity Spanking
  • As you pull out, rub her body, tell her how good she is, and rub her ass cheeks, moving the blood and sensations around. (Pa)
  • Now grab her arms and restrain them behind her back with the cuffs we put on earlier. (Pr)
  • Grab a paddle, wooden utensil, or similar high impact tool. Give her spankings of 6-8/10 intensity. (Pa)
  • Finger her in between spankings. Alternatively you increase the intensity of pleasure by using a magic wand. (Pl)
  • When you’re ready, resume fucking her doggy style. (Pr)

Release: Orgasm + Pain

• Up until now we have worked her up to handle a lot of pain. Now it the time to fuck her very hard with vigorous thrusts. (Pl)
• Now is a great time to use much dirtier language with her. (Pr) 
• Pull on her hair to pull her head back, pull on the restraints putting pressure on her arms and back, bite hard on shoulders. (Pa)
• Smack her ass hard with your hand or tool as you fuck her. (Pa)
• When you’re ready, cum in her from behind. (Pl)

Relax: Embrace

• Remove the restraints & blindfold (Pa)
• Collapse on her, letting your weight rest on her back, caressing her. (Pa)
• Kiss her and tell her how good she is. (Pa)
• As you pull out, caress and lovingly rub her ass and legs, moving blood around. (Pa)
• As you transition to aftercare she is going to be very cold and probably want a lot of cuddles. So be ready with a blanket and lie down with her. (Pa)

Pull it all together

There you have it. Use these 3 pillars to structure your next scene and watch it transform from good to great. Need ideas for what to fill your scene with? Try picking activities from a sex menu you and your partner can fill out to know exactly what each of your favorites are.