Master the Dominant Mindset: 3 Keys to Authentic Power in the Bedroom

Want to step into a truly dominant mindset without feeling like you're just playing a role? Discover how embracing your authentic desires, removing shame, and learning to take control will transform your confidence and give your submissive exactly what she craves.

One of the biggest challenges for new Doms is getting into the right mindset to be Dominant.

Many believe they need to step into a role—putting on a persona, performing, or embodying some version of the stern, macho Dom they’ve seen in movies or online.

But being Dominant isn’t about pretending to be someone else. It’s about becoming more of who you are and fully embracing what you want. When you act on your desires, you’re no longer roleplaying—you’re being authentic and leading the interaction where you want it to go.

To do that, you need to:

• Identify your desires
• Remove the shame associated with them
• Learn to ask for them

Taking these steps will grant you the mental freedom to do what your submissive craves: to confidently and completely ravish her like she’s the most desirable object in the world.

Identify Your Desires

At some point, your submissive will likely say something along the lines of, “I want you to do whatever you want to me.”

What she really means is, “I want you to act on your desires within my limits.” Of course, that doesn’t sound quite as sexy.

If you don’t know what your desires are, how can you act on them?

Instead of ravishing her, you’ll freeze. Your mind will go blank, anxiety will creep in, and you’ll look at her like she just spoke a foreign language. It’s okay—it’s happened to me too.

To prevent this, you can do two things:

1. Prepare beforehand by exploring your erotic mind.
2. Engage your desires in the moment.

Let’s dive into both.

Understanding your Erotic Mind

Exploring the erotic mind—that is, the thoughts, memories, fantasies, activities, etc., that turn you on—is a key component in uncovering your core desires and getting the most satisfying sex tailored to your own unique fantasies.

To begin understanding your own erotic mind, I suggest starting an erotic journal—a place where you can thoughtfully explore personal desires, fantasies, and arousal patterns. The act of journaling itself is a therapeutic process, providing a safe space for you to explore your inner desires without judgment or inhibition. Starting with an erotic journal allows for the purest expression of what turns you on, free from outside influence on how you should be turned on.

In this erotic journal, create four columns: Turn-Ons, Feelings, Activity Triggers, and Partner Triggers.

Step 1: Write Down What Turns You On

We’ll begin with your Turn-Ons. In this column, write down the following items:

• Fantasies
• Favorite sexual experiences
• Thoughts or mental images that really turn you on
• Types of porn or erotica you enjoy

By writing down these thoughts, you can start to identify recurring themes and patterns that resonate deeply with you.

During this process, try to avoid questioning where these desires came from. Just because you have a particular desire doesn’t mean you ever have to act on it if you don’t want to. This is about understanding your erotic triggers so you can incorporate them into your sex life in a safe and fulfilling way.

After writing some down, I recommend taking a break because you’re probably feeling pretty aroused at this point. In the next step, we’ll examine some of these items and discern what feelings they evoke in you. That might be a little challenging when you’ve just gone through your entire mental "spank bank" and feel like fucking anything right now. After you’ve calmed down (or, if you prefer, rubbed one out—no judgment), let’s move on to the next column.

Step 2: Write Down How It Makes You Feel

Now, take one fantasy, sexual experience, thought, or favorite porn/erotica, and examine it in closer detail. Practice visualizing this particular erotic image as vividly as possible. Through visualization, you can explore the emotional and sensory details that make your fantasies arousing, thus gaining insights into what fuels their erotic excitement. From here, identify how this erotic image makes you feel or the types of emotions it evokes.

For example, the feelings and emotions that most occur in my eroticism are:

• Naughty
• Desired
• Appreciated
• Primal
• Respected
• Worshipped

Why do we care about emotions? Because some of our fantasies may be difficult to fulfill—either on our own or with a partner. Some may be considered too dark, and we may never actually want to act on them outside the confines of our minds. However, if we understand the emotion behind the fantasy, we may be able to replicate that same emotional experience through different acts, but with less risk. For example, if you have a capture-and-takedown CNC (consensual non-consent) fantasy, starting with some light bondage and heavy dirty talk may help you achieve the same feeling. In some cases, you’ll never need to go fully into your fantasy—unless, of course, you want to.

Step 3: Write Down What Triggers That Feeling or Emotion

Next, identify what in that erotic image triggers the emotion you feel. Specifically, look for triggers that make the erotic image arousing to you: the environment, attributes of who you’re with, what sexual acts are occurring, etc. Whatever you think makes it so spicy.

Now think about what other activities or partner attributes might trigger that feeling—even if they aren’t present in the current erotic image. Write those down in their respective columns under Activities or Partner Qualities. This is where the rubber meets the road: the next time a partner. Continue with Steps 2 and 3 for the other items you wrote down in Step 1.

Since you’re the Dom and leading the interaction, you have the advantage of setting up scenarios that deeply engage your erotic mind. However, sometimes fantasy doesn’t translate perfectly into reality—the thing you thought you wanted may not actually be what you wanted. So, what do you do then?

Engaging Your Desires in the Present Moment

The power of taking is unlocked when you learn to engage your desires directly in the present moment. As long as your actions remain within your partner’s limits, you can move and act based on the desires that arise—second by second.

Doing this requires getting out of your head and into your body, listening to the subtle inklings that pull you toward actions that feel pleasurable in the moment.

You can do this by improving your interoception—your awareness of your bodily and emotional states. Your practice will be to regularly check in with yourself several times a day, identifying body signals and linking them to your emotions. Set alarms, if necessary, to help remind you to check in throughout the day.

You can strengthen your ability to stay connected to your internal state by practicing body scans:

• Start by getting into a comfortable position.
• Take a few slow, deep breaths and mindfully bring your attention to your feet. Notice (without judgment or evaluation) any sensations you experience in your feet.
• Move to your lower legs and continue upward through each body part until you reach your head.
• When performing a body scan, it’s important to use specific and descriptive words (e.g., squishy, tense, hot, buzzy, relaxed, sharp, heavy) rather than evaluative words (e.g., bad, good, hurt).

The goal here is not to judge a sensation as negative because it’s painful or positive because it’s pleasurable. Instead, we’re simply gaining awareness of what’s occurring.

After practicing this for a while, you can start to focus more on pleasurable sensations, which will intensify your sexual experiences.

Seeking Pleasure in the Body:

• Continue the body scan as noted above.
• If you encounter discomfort or tension, think about how you could move or reposition yourself to make it more pleasurable.
• If you experience pleasurable sensations, spend some time fully engaging with those feelings and amplifying them.

This practice—seeking pleasure through the body—is exactly what you’ll be doing during sex. You’ll continually ask yourself, “What would feel pleasurable right now?” and then act on the answer, moment by moment.

For some, this may feel unfamiliar. You may not even know what it’s like to touch something—let alone someone—for your own pleasure. That’s where I recommend practicing waking up your hands, an exercise taught by Betty Martin. This practice trains you to take in sensations through your hands and follow the thread of pleasure, simply touching an object for the pleasure of touching it.

Learning to follow that thread is what will allow you to recognize and act on your desires in any given moment during a sexual encounter.

Remove Your Shame For Your Desires

On your journey to becoming a Dom, you’re going to come up against deep-seated societal programming—beliefs about how women should be treated and the expectation of equal power dynamics in relationships.

If you’re anything like me when I started as a Dom, you’ll repeatedly question whether what you’re doing is abusive, manipulative, or simply wrong. You may even wonder if your desires make you a bad person. 

But if you’re truly following the principles I write about—if you are a Dom because you want to lead her toward a shared vision, mutual goals, and a dynamic you both desire—then stepping into your role is not just for you; it’s for both of you. As a Dom, you’ve taken responsibility for her, and your decisions are made with her best interests in mind so that you both reach the goals you’ve agreed upon.

The mindfuck you’ll have to walk through is this: what feels “selfish” is actually selfless. She derives pleasure from being submissive in the relationship, and if you deny her the opportunity to serve you, you are, in fact, denying her pleasure.

This is why consent, boundaries, limits, and safewords exist in BDSM—to keep your Dominant power in check so that you don’t become a tyrant.

Think of everything you and your submissive could possibly do together as a sandbox. When you discussed her boundaries and limitations, you built the walls of that sandbox. Within those boundaries, you have complete freedom. You are allowed to do anything inside the sandbox—just don’t cross the boundaries (unless she has explicitly consented to it).

Now that you know her boundaries, she wants you to own your desires fully. She craves for you not to hold back, not to hesitate. She wants you to take what’s yours, completely. To be blunt—she wants you to lose control, fuck her like an animal, destroy her, and completely fucking own her with your entire being. 

The key, though, is being able to immediately regain control if she calls a safeword.

You will never be able to give her that experience if you don’t internally own your desires, remove your shame, and recognize that doing so serves both of you. The darker the desires you can alchemize into confidence and control, the more powerful you will become—not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of life.

If shame is holding you back from acting on your desires, I‘ve gone in depth about shame breaking in 7 Ways To Deal With Sexual Shame For Your Desires. 

But quickly, those 7 tactics are:

• Leave groups where sexual acts are shameful
• Join groups where sexual acts are accepted
• Journaling
• Digesting your emotions
• Exposure therapy
• Sexual Disclosure
• Stop praising and punishing yourself

Here’s the beautiful part about owning your desires: she can now own hers.

The more openly, honestly, and directly you communicate your wants and needs, the more she will realize there is nothing to be ashamed of. The more you embody your truth and act in alignment with it, the safer she will feel to do the same. If you give yourself permission to be a kinky degenerate, she is free to be the slutty nympho she may secretly long to be.

Asking for Your Desires

One of the most common fantasies in BDSM is some form of consensual non-consent (CNC). I’ve often written that when you desire something in life, it’s not necessarily the thing itself you crave, but rather the emotions and feelings it elicits.

For CNC-related desires, many submissives want the feeling of being ravished—experiencing pleasure from being taken by someone acting on their uncontrollable desires, sometimes so intensely that it feels like force.

In short, your submissive wants you to know what you want and to take (consensually) without her having to think about it. You have to learn how to take for your own pleasure.

Now, you may be wondering, “Why would I ask for my desires if I’m supposed to just take what I want?”

This is the crux of BDSM: consent.

Even if your submissive is telling you she wants to be ravished, you may still feel hesitant—too much in your head, too timid, overthinking what you should be doing. That mental block keeps you from fully stepping into the Dominant headspace.

But something powerful happens when you ask for what you want and hear an enthusiastic yes.

See, consent isn’t just about giving the other person a chance to say yes or no. It’s not just for them—it’s for you. It grants you the freedom to act on your desires without abandon. There’s no hesitation, no second-guessing, because your partner has explicitly stated that you are allowed to act on your desires.

Imagine you’re at a dinner table filled with food, and you’re starving. All you want to do is dive in and devour it. But you don’t know if you’re allowed to eat yet. So, you sneak an hors d'oeuvre while the host isn’t looking, feeling a little guilty. They might catch you and get upset.

Now imagine a different scenario: instead of sneaking, you ask, “Can I eat dish one, dish two, and dish three right now? I’m starving.” The host says yes. You devour the plates without hesitation because you know you’re allowed to.

The same applies to sex. When you clearly ask beforehand for what you desire to do—and your partner says yes (or yes, within these limits)—you are now free to take without hesitation.

Asking is what allows you to take.

This concept is best illustrated through the Wheel of Consent, created by Betty Martin. The model defines four types of interaction:

• Serving: Performing an action for the other person’s benefit (e.g., giving a massage).
• Accepting: Receiving an action for your own benefit (e.g., being massaged).
• Taking: Performing an action for your benefit (e.g., ravishing someone).
• Allowing: Receiving an action for the other person’s benefit (e.g., being ravished).

These four quadrants create two key dynamics: Take-Allow and Serve-Accept.

The Take-Allow dynamic is the bread and butter of a D/s dynamic. It’s the stuff that smutty romance novels are made of. When she wants to be ravished, this is what she’s seeking. As the Dominant, you are taking, while she, as the submissive, is allowing you to.

What creates this dynamic is the agreement: the Dominant asks to take, and the submissive says yes.

Now, this doesn’t mean that Dominance is limited to the Taking quadrant. In fact, I’m going to show you how to be Dominant in all four quadrants. But Taking is the quadrant where you’ll spend the most time—so you need to master it first.

Learning to Take

You are engaging in Taking when you do something to your submissive for your pleasure.

The agreement for Taking is established when you ask: "May I [insert desire or action]?"

Your partner will then respond with one of three answers:

• Yes
• No
• Yes, but with these limits or conditions

Where many beginner Doms struggle is with the seeming paradox of leading while also feeling like they’re constantly asking permission. The solution? Ask before the interaction starts. This is the purpose of negotiation.

Let’s take the example of biting.

I know I’m a biter. I know I’m going to want to do it during sex without stopping to ask if it’s okay. When the urge comes, I want to latch on. So, before having sex with a new partner, I ask:

• Can I bite?
• How hard?
• Can I leave marks? If so, where?
• If it gets too intense, what safeword should we use?

Now that I have the walls of the sandbox—the agreed-upon boundaries—I can bite to my heart’s content within those limits.

Misconceptions About Taking

1. Taking means you’re a selfish lover.

Let’s set aside the fact that we’ve already established she wants this. Acting on your desires is, in this moment, also an act of selflessness.

First off, tending to your own needs and desires isn’t wrong—it’s necessary. It only becomes a problem when done at the expense of others. But in this case, you've already negotiated limits, ensuring that what you're taking is within your partner’s boundaries.

Also, Taking isn’t the only quadrant of interaction—you won’t be taking all the time. (And I’ll show you how to be Dominant in the other quadrants later.)

2. Taking equals rough sex.

Not necessarily. Taking simply means you’re doing something for your pleasure. If your desire is slow, sensual movements, you’re still taking—as long as you’re acting on that desire and have received prior permission.

3. If you’re doing something to her, the action is for her.

This is a mistake people often make with Pleasure Doms. A Pleasure Dom is not a service top. The difference?

• A service top performs actions for their partner’s pleasure.
• A Pleasure Dom performs actions for their own pleasure—and the submissive is simply along for the ride (a very pleasurable ride).

4. If you’re taking for your pleasure, your partner doesn’t receive any pleasure.

Just because you’re enjoying something doesn’t mean your partner isn’t enjoying it too.

One of my favorite things to laugh about is when some guy says, “Eating pussy isn’t Dominant.” Clearly, that guy has never eaten pussy for his own pleasure.

You know when I’m doing it for my pleasure—because I’m locked in, arms wrapped around her legs, letting my tongue go wherever it wants, eating that woman out like I’m on death row and it’s my last meal.

Is she getting pleasure too? Hell yes. But the action is for me, not her.

Learning to Accept

Beyond Taking, the next quadrant you’ll engage in often is Accepting. This falls within the Serve-Accept dynamic, which is most commonly seen when a Dominant asks their submissive to do something.

You are in the Accepting quadrant when your submissive is doing something to you for your pleasure.

The agreement for Accepting is established when you ask: “Will you [insert desired action]?”

Your partner will then respond with:

• Yes
• No
• Yes, but with these limits or conditions

Now you might ask, “doesn’t asking make me weak?”

This is where many beginner Doms get stuck, assuming that asking undermines their authority. But let’s clear that up.

First, asking requires strength. Confidently asking for what you want is an act of power, especially because it requires vulnerability. If you don’t believe me, go outside and ask a woman for her number. Then come back and tell me how easy it was to just ask a simple question.

Second, asking is still leading. Leading doesn’t mean forcing—it means guiding the dynamic. By asking, you create space for your submissive to communicate her limits, which strengthens trust. That’s a good thing.

You can learn to make your request more sexy through Dominant dirty talk.

Compare these two:

• “Will you suck my cock?”
• “You’ve been thinking about sucking me all day, haven’t you, you naughty little cocksucker? Your mouth is salivating. You want it right now, don’t you?”

Both are requests. Both allow room for her to say no. But one is undeniably more engaging.

But what if you want to “ask” without asking?

When you want to make your Dominance more authoritative, you need to practice commands—stating what you want her to do, rather than framing it as a request.

But here’s the key: Negotiate beforehand.

For example, if you want to grab the back of her head and command her to take your entire cock in her throat, it’s far easier to do so if you’ve already asked about her comfort level, limits, and gag reflex beforehand.

That way, when the moment comes, you know she’s into it—and you can give the command without hesitation.

What if she changes her mind? That’s ok! 

People change their minds. That’s normal. That’s why we have safewords. If she needs to slow down or stop, she has a way to communicate that.

Beyond safewords, pay attention to body language.

• Someone who wants to do what you’re asking will be relaxed and eager to serve.
• Someone who doesn’t really want to will be tense and hesitant.

If she’s a brat? Well, she might just be sassy about it—but that’s part of the fun.

Learning to Serve

As a Dom, you're often also stepping into the role of a Top. A Top is someone who has the skills to perform specific kinky acts on another person. When those acts are done for the bottom’s pleasure, we call that Top a Service Top.

Learning how to serve—to do things for your submissive’s pleasure—builds trust, deepens connection, and sets the stage for you to take without guilt when the time comes to focus on your own pleasure.

You are engaging in Serving when you’re doing something to your submissive and it’s for their pleasure.

The agreement for Serving is made when your submissive asks:  “Will you [insert desired action]?”

Your job is then to respond with:

• Yes
• No
• Yes, but with these limits or conditions
  

Remember, you are doing this action for their pleasure.

Let’s go back to our earlier example: oral sex.

What often happens is a guy goes down on a woman and does what he thinks will feel good—maybe what worked for a past partner, or what porn taught him. She might ask him to slow down, move over, or keep doing exactly what he’s doing. And yet, he switches it up.

At that moment, he’s no longer serving her pleasure. He’s serving his own assumptions.

It gets more subtle when a guy fixates on making her orgasm—even when she might not want that pressure. He thinks because she came, he did something for her. But really, he was chasing the validation of his own performance.

And when a woman feels pressured to orgasm, it can actually create anxiety that blocks her from reaching it at all.

To truly Serve, you have to listen to what she asked for—and do it the way she asked, within your limits.

“That doesn’t sound very Dominant…”

If that thought crossed your mind, it’s likely coming from a warped view of Dominance.

As I explain in both the Traits of a Good Dom and How to be a Dom guides, being a Dominant isn't about your submissive serving you at all times, solely for your own needs. That’s not a Dom. That’s a tyrant.

Being a Dom means servant leadership—you’re steering the dynamic in a way that honors both of your desires and needs.

You’re still in control. You decide when to serve, just like you decide when to take. Your submissive, by contrast, is responding to those decisions.

And here’s the truth: The quality of your leadership and how well you care for her will directly affect how deeply she wants to serve you. Your service pays dividends in devotion.

Misconceptions About Serving

Serving means doing whatever she wants, no matter what.

No. You still have limits. You always get to decide what you’re willing and able to offer.

Let’s take impact play. Personally, aside from spanking—which does turn me on—I don’t get a ton of enjoyment out of impact play. I’ll engage in it from time to time if my submissive desires it, but within clear boundaries. I have limits around how heavy I’m willing to go or what I’ll use to hit her. If she wants something outside of those limits, I won’t give it to her.

That’s not being selfish. That’s being clear. Serving doesn’t mean abandoning your own limits—it means offering what you freely choose to give.

Learning to Allow

Of all four quadrants, the one you'll likely find yourself in the least as a Dom is Allowing—because it’s the complementary opposite of Taking. To some, this quadrant might even feel like switching roles (and for some couples, that is part of their dynamic).

But there are times when you’ll allow something to happen to you while still maintaining your Dominant role.

You are engaging in Allowing when your submissive is doing something to you and it’s for their pleasure.

The agreement for Allowing is created when your submissive asks: “May I [insert desire or action]?”

And you respond with:

• Yes
• No
• Yes, but with these limits or conditions

I’ve personally had two kinds of experiences where I allow something to happen.

The first is with brats. I’m not particularly fond of bratting, and I don’t find brat-taming especially enjoyable. I can do it, but it’s a soft limit for me.

That said, I’ve played with self-proclaimed brats before. And because I know they love it, I’ll allow them to brat me—to a point. Beforehand, I make it very clear what kind of bratting I consider playful versus what I find disrespectful. And when I say it’s enough, it’s enough. “Enough” is basically my safeword.

In these situations, it’s obvious that their bratting is for their pleasure, not mine.

The second type of experience is blurrier. Some submissives have a deep oral fixation—they love cockwarming, sucking, and just having something in their mouth. They could bliss out in subspace for an hour with a cock between their lips, completely content.

With these submissives, I often get a very clear, eager request: "May I pleeeaase suck your cock?"

Once I give permission, they completely take over. They do whatever they want, at their own pace, in their own way. It doesn’t even matter that it feels great for me—I’m just along for the ride. At that moment, I might as well be nothing more than a flesh dildo attached to a body.

Even in these example, I remain in control. At any point, I can guide the scene in a different direction.

Allowing isn’t submission—it’s choosing to let your submissive revel in their pleasure, on their terms, for as long as you decide to let them.

Authentically Express Your Dominance

The journey to becoming a confident Dominant isn't about playing a character—it's about uncovering and embracing your authentic desires. As we explored throughout this guide, stepping into a Dominant mindset requires identifying your desires through exploring your erotic mind, removing the shame associated with these desires, and learning to ask for what you want, which paradoxically gives you the freedom to take without hesitation. 

What your submissive ultimately craves is to be ravished completely—to feel the full force of your uninhibited desire within the boundaries you've both established, which requires Taking, acting on your desires moment by moment without apology, creating the space for her to surrender completely while knowing she's safe in your capable hands.

But remember that Dominance isn't limited to any single quadrant of interaction—whether you're Taking for your pleasure, Accepting her service, Serving her needs, or Allowing her to explore, you remain the one steering the dynamic.