Do You Want a Dom, a Top, or Just Some Rough Sex?

Do you actually want a Dom, a Top, or just rough sex? Many people use the word "Dominant" without defining their desires, leading to frustration and disappointment. Learn the differences between rough sex, kinky play with a skilled Top, and power exchange with a Dom—helping you clarify what you want and communicate it effectively.

One common mistake people make is using vague terms to express what they want.

For example, almost everyone says they want a “clean” roommate. They put it in their roommate listing, the other person says, “I’m a very clean person,” and then—two months later—they’re fighting over something not being clean. If that person had taken the time to describe their expectations—how clean is clean, and which areas of the home matter most to them—the odds of finding a compatible roommate would have been much higher.

The same issue happens in sex. I believe people throw around the word “Dominant” as a catch-all term without actually defining what they want. Then, when they don’t get it, they’re disappointed.

To be clear, I’m not here to gatekeep or claim there’s only one “true” way to be Dominant. That kind of thinking drives me crazy. Instead, I want to help you get what you actually want—whatever that looks like for you. That only happens through clear communication.

A lot of unmet needs come down to ineffective communication. This usually happens when:

• People aren’t fully aware of their own needs (in which case, taking time for self-discovery would be helpful).
• They fear having their needs rejected (so learning to create safe communication and becoming more secure would help).
• They simply don’t have the right words to describe what they actually want.

That last one is what we’re going to explore today—not to create a one-size-fits-all definition, but to help you better understand and communicate your desires so you and your partner can have some fun, sexy times.

Sorting Out What You Want

In my own journey to becoming a Dom, I learned that when a submissive-leaning woman said she wanted me to be dominant, it could mean very different things. I had to dig deeper to truly understand what she wanted.

From my experience:

• A large majority of submissive-leaning women want at least a little roughness or aggression in the bedroom, especially if their past or current partners have always been vanilla. They also want their man to take more responsibility in the relationship—not necessarily leading everything, but definitely not being a man-child.
• Within that majority, many simply want rough sex. They may also want their man to take the lead in the relationship.
• Some women want to engage in power exchange.
• A smaller group wants that power exchange to extend beyond the bedroom.
• A very small number want it to extend to all areas of their life.

Through these experiences, I discovered three main categories, each with its own underlying desire:

• Rough Sex Seeker: Wants to be tossed around, manhandled, aggressively used, and fucked, but isn’t necessarily interested in kink play or power exchange.
• Top Seeker: Wants to engage in kink, but not necessarily involving sex or power exchange.
• Dominant Seeker: Wants to give up control and have someone take the lead, but not always in a sexual or kinky context.

The issue is that when you use the term Dominant, you’re signaling a desire for power exchange—either in the bedroom or beyond—when what you might actually want is just a rough fucking or to be hit hard with a paddle, while still maintaining full control over yourself.

Likewise, when a guy describes himself as Dominant, he may just be looking for rough sex—not necessarily interested in taboo kink play or in taking on the responsibility of leading a relationship.

This is why communication is so important. If you say one thing but mean or expect something else, you’re setting yourself up for dissatisfaction, disappointment, resentment, or even anger. So let’s break these three categories down further.

Wanting Rough Sex

Manhandling, choking, spanking, hair pulling, slapping, biting, face-fucking—these are just some of the activities many people consider part of rough sex. While all of these could fall under BDSM, they can also be enjoyed on their own, without any deeper power dynamics.

You’re seeking rough sex when, well, you just want sex. You’re not interested in other kinks, nor in giving up control or responsibility over yourself. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I mean, who doesn’t love a good, rough, passionate fucking?

Wanting a Top

A Top is someone skilled in performing specific kinky acts on another person. A good Top has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves about various aspects of BDSM to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.

In some circles, a Top isn’t considered part of the “Dominant” archetypes. They may deliver kinky actions like a Dom would within a scene, but they don’t necessarily take on the broader role of a Dominant.

You’re seeking a Top when you want someone skilled in a particular kink—such as shibari (in which case, find a skilled rigger)—but you’re not necessarily looking for sex or power exchange. You just want to experience this kink with someone who knows what they’re doing and can do it safely.

Wanting a Dom

If a Top is someone with the skills to perform specific kinky acts, a Dominant is the why—the intention, the energy, the driving force behind those acts. Of course, to engage in BDSM, a Dom also needs the technical skills of a Top, but being a Dom is about far more than just technique.

A Dom (or Dominant) assumes authority, control, and power over the submissive. In my experience, being a Dom is about leadership. It requires understanding each person’s goals and desires and creating a vision for how to achieve them. A Dom is in service to the dynamic—the shared vision for the relationship.

These goals can range from something as simple as reaching the heights of ecstasy together to something as complex as guiding both of your lives. In pursuit of that, a Dom is responsible for creating structure, providing safety, building trust, fostering play and pleasure, and caring for the submissive.

You’re seeking a Dom when you want to give up control of some aspect of yourself or your life to another person. This could be limited to the bedroom or extend beyond it, with the Dom taking on leadership in other areas. The exchange of power can be small or large, but the underlying desires remain the same: to switch off your decision-making, to be cared for and kept safe, to be told what to do, to have structure, and to let go of worry. While most Dom/sub dynamics involve sex or kink, they don’t have to.

What Do You Actually Want?

These categories aren’t mutually exclusive—desires can overlap. You might be seeking one, two, or all three, and that’s completely fine. The key is communicating what you actually want.

• If you just want some hot, wild, rough sex—great! Here are some guides on manhandling, choking, spanking, hair pulling, slapping, biting, and face-fucking.
• If you want to engage in kinky play—great! I recommend checking out courses and workshops from skilled practitioners, such as The Duchy for rope bondage.
• If you want to explore power exchange with your partner—great! Here are some guides on how to be a Dom, how to be a submissive, and how to structure a dynamic.

All I ask—for both your sake and your partner’s—is that you get clear on what you want. The clearer you can communicate your desires, the better off you’ll be.

For my submissive ladies: The next time you go looking for a Dom, ask yourself what you’re truly seeking. Do you actually want to give up control?

For the guys: If you call yourself a Dom, be honest about what level of control and power exchange you’re offering.

If you’re just using the label to get some booty and have rough sex, she’s going to be disappointed if she’s looking for someone to lead her life or engage in skillful, kinky play. So just be upfront.

On the flip side, if you do want a high level of control, be honest about that too—and accept that only a small subset of women actually want that as well. Don’t demand that every woman who just wants to be tossed around in bed call you Sir.

This is why I love asking submissives questions like:

• What are you looking for?
• What are you like as a submissive?
• What does submission mean to you?
• What does dominance look like to you?

Simple questions, but they clear up a lot of confusion. They help you figure out whether you’re a good fit and how deep you might take the dynamic.

At the end of the day, be clear about what you want—then ask for it.